Morning

Good morning! Good morning! We've talked the whole night through! Good morning, good morning to you!

Morning is the time of day when most people, except drug addicts and alcoholics, wake up after a good night's sleep. Morning is defined by the time the sun rises over the eastern horizon, if you're in the northern hemisphere, or when it goes down over the eastern horizon if you're in the southern hemisphere. "Morning" is brighter than "night", unless you live nearer to the moon than you do to the sun.

Rise and Shine

A lot of things happen in the morning. The more decadent capitalists may wake up with a sore head, and somebody they never saw before sleeping beside them. This can be bad. It either means they were drunk and had a one night stand, or they were hit on the head with a hammer by an ugly person, brought back to their house, and raped. Hopefully, at the very least, it was by someone of the opposite sex.

Of course, morning doesn't always have to mean bleary eyes and cheesy discharges. For some, it is a time of beginning. Of hope. Of their dreams finally being on the cusp of reality. These people are idiots, or possibly hippies.

If you're not drunk, or a hippy, the first thing you will do in the morning is get out of bed, yawn, and possibly scratch yourself in a rude place. You may then proceed to wash yourself, but if you don't have OCD and only have a shower every month like a normal person, you proceed straight to the "dressing" stage. This varies between men, women and transvestites.

How to Dress Yourself

For Men

Assuming you wear underwear like the un-fucktarded, carefully find your trousers or "pants". Ensuring they are free from obvious stains, hold the trousers at around the level of your feet. Then, put your right leg into the rightmost cloth tube, or "leg" of the trousers. Do the same for your left leg, replacing the word "right" with "left". Then pull the trousers up to your waist, or just below your scrotum if you are black. Occasionally, and hilariously, at this stage you may realise you put your right leg and left leg into the wrong legs of your trousers. You must then start again, unless you want to pretend to be a struggling surrealist, making a statement about the backward-ness of modern life or something.

Assuming you sleep in your underwear and shirt, and don't change either daily because that's for fascists, carefully find an outer shirt, a sweater, a hooded top, another t-shirt, a furry coat or a Macintosh (the coat). Carefully apply the cloth garment, ensuring your arms go into the proper arm tubes. Again, and even more hilariously, you could put it on backwards. If you also did this to your trousers, I suggest you check yourself into a mental asylum. Now, you are wearing your pants and some sort of cloth garment on your top half.

"Oh", you say, "my piggies feel cold." I say "Who calls toes "piggies", you fucking idiot?", but you make an important point. You need some shoes, or sneakers if you're black. Find two shoes of some sort. I'm not listing them. That joke got old around "shirts". Anyway, just put them on. If you need help tying the laces, I suggest you go fuck yourself.

Now, you are fully dressed. As you are a man, you can now continue to work in a successful business, perhaps a car dealership. If you are black, presumably it involves hip-hop somehow. Not that I'm racist. Some of my best slaves are black. *ahem*

For Women

Emm... it gets a little bit tricky here. You see, I, like 100% of Uncyclopedia users, am a man. You're probably a guy reading this too, but just in case you're not I'll give this my best shot.

First, you need to find a skirt. No trousers. They're for lesbians. The shorter the better. Shorter skirts equal more respect, and a higher chance at job promotion, as you may get a chance to sleep with the boss. As we know, the only way women can get to the top is by sleeping her way there.

In your sexy short skirt, you are still presumably topless. With your... sorry, trailed off there a bit. Find a white t-shirt and place that on, being carefully not to chafe... sorry, that keeps happening.

Now, you have a skirt and shirt on. You need shoes. Finding a pair of stilettos, carefully bend over, revealing you're not wearing underwear, slowly groping... I'll be back in a minute. *footsteps* *door slams* *five second later door opens again* Sorry about that. I'm better now. Anyway, put on your shoes, and you are now fully dressed.

Oh yeah, women do other stuff to. Like make up. Go to your handbag, and take out the reddest lipstick you have, and gently move the phallic symbol around your lips, applying it liberally. Do the same with foundation, eyeshadow, and mascara. You are now ready for your job, presumably as some sort of secretary.

There's also extra woman stuff you have to do, something involving a certain time in the month, but you already know about that.

The Rest of the Day

The rest of the day is yours. Work, drink, sleep and be merry, but remember without this article, none of that would be possible. See you next morning.

See Also

• Sleep deprivation