St. Francis of Assisi
St. Francis of Assisi (1181/1182 – October 3, 1226) was the Doctor Doolittle of the Medieval Age. He could talk to the animals, sing with slugs and dance like a devil in skirts. Along the way, he became a Catholic saint and in death, was venerated as one of the few Christian holy men willing to talk 'to the other side' — even be they Jewish, Muslim or Jedi Knight. When Francis died, Pope Gregory XYZ fast-tracked the man from Assisi to a quick, boil-in-the-bag sainthood. Within two years, the 'Birdman of Italy' had joined the sacred choir invisible.
Francis's real name was Giovanni di Pietro di Bernardone (Johnny), but he got called 'Francis' (the Frenchman) for his lecherous chasing of young maidens up and down the Apennines. Francis or 'Frankie' was quite the ladies' man then, and had money to wear tight red stockings in his home town of Assisi. It would seem that he would grow up and self-indulge like everyone else — but in 1204, he got a vision. Francis returned home, burnt the contents of his wardrobe, and headed off to Rome for a bit of begging.
Poor Clare[edit]
Francis's change of attire and attitudes shocked his close friends. Where once there was a handsome, fun-loving man, there was now a pious preacher in rough underpants and a bit of brown sacking to cover his body. Fashion-conscious Italians said the look would never catch on. They banned him from Milan in case he upset the models at the 1205 Autumn/Winter shows. Francis went anyway, and tried to preach from the catwalk. Everyone told him to piss off except one young, skinny model called Clare, who happened to come from Francis's home town. She fell in love with the weirdo (on the spiritual plane — at least officially) and became his first follower.
Birds and Bees[edit]
By now Francis had abandoned humanity, preaching the Gospel to 'God's other creations, the animals'. He would spend all day on the mountains around Assisi (with Clare in tow) trying to make saints out of starlings and declaring a holy war against the sin of foxes eating chickens. Clare's devotion got her the nickname 'Poor Clare' — for her poor choice in blokes.
Francis's preachings got him noticed by the Catholic Church, which was in the process of proclaiming a crusade against the Albigensian Christians who lived in Southern France, and was wary of heretics. The Church sent priests disguised as pantomime sheep to spy on Francis to see if he was disparaging the Pope. Picking up that Francis wasn't his real name, they sent him to Rome for a gentle examination from the Rome Inquisition to tickle out his real beliefs.
Licensed beggars[edit]
Francis's message was clear: Don't wash or shave, wear a dirty brown cloak and take your orders from the Pope. Oh, and stay poor. The church gave the message 3 out of 4, as Pope Innocent III viewed the last bit as borderline heretical. Francis refused to budge and got signed on for a new crusade to see if he 'would change his mind'.
Francis expected to go to Jerusalem, but ended up sailing in Egypt with the crusaders, who said they were 'just dropping by for supplies'. Francis disapproved and stayed aboard ship, talking to seagulls. But then he had a vision that if he converted the 'top man', Egypt would become Christian again.
Leaving the crusaders and wearing just his usual dirty old clothes, Francis was admitted into the Sultan's court. Christians say Francis performed fantastic feats to impress the Muslims. Oddly, none of this was reported at the time by local chroniclers. The Sultan applauded Francis's bird tricks but remained unconverted. However, he let Francis return and, in exchange, got a deal as the exclusive Christian pilgrimage holiday tourist destination in the Holy Land.
Death[edit]
Francis returned from Egypt and opened a bird sanctuary. He stopped talking and communicated only with tweets and by moving his arms in a flapping motion. When Francis died, he was fast-tracked to sainthood two years later — a record at the time. Birds stopped singing for a week — even mourning doves.
Fun facts[edit]
- Pope Francis is a fan of the Papal birdman, hence his pontifical name.
- Francis's girlfriend Clare can be seen in the flesh when you go to her church in Assisi. You can see her in her coffin.