Richard Wilkins

DICK WILKINS

Richard Head Wilkins is Australia's #1 leader in bringing up-to-date information on the massive amounts of dick he has sucked during the week. He was first forced upon the public in 1986 on a game show called, "Gay Blokes" where he managed to display his array of ability to not choke on the questions he was spitting out about lyrics to shitty 80's songs no one had heard of before, but often had to swallow some of the contestants answers with one swift gulp. The show was canceled after 10 episodes 'cause no one could stand seeing the pole smoker in a suit pretend he had any talent what-so-ever. With that on his resume now, he was instantly picked up by Channel 9 to interview celebrities, because everyone else in Australia had lives, so Richard Wilkins was perfect for the role.

THE FUCKLESS WONDER OF DOWN UNDER

Dick Head was born from a piece of rotting cow shit that had been spat out by a displeased customer who bought a Big Mac from Mc Donalds. It was said he was mutated from the ass of a radioactive bull that had mated with a manure pile, but later evidence revealed the bull was completely innocent and all charges where dropped. Richard grew up in a small town outside of Sydney, where he was instantly hated by all his school peers. He grew up in a poor family, the only time he ever had something warm in his stomach was when he sucked off the family dog, which was just plain nasty, as the dog was male. They where poor because no one would talk to the family cause of there adopted son, Dick. So the family finally threw Richard down a sewer drain to be with his ancestors. Unfortunately he somehow came a float back to the above ground and didn't drown like everyone hoped.

THE COLLEGE COCK SUCKER

Dick attended the college of Dunnymindi, a pretty shithouse college, but they let him in to study with the rest of the lawyers, and he soon graduated with a "Fuckless Wonder Of Down Under" certificate that everyone got at the end of the year out of sympathy that they had no future as anything but a celebrity interviewer.

During his time at campus, Richard began developing his talentless abilities, it first started when his professor assigned the class to write an article on video piracy. Richard turned in a 2 page review of Treasure Island. Dick displayed signs that his DNA was perfect to be sold and used by anyone wanting to construct their own fuck-wit at home. Richards DNA is said to date all the way back to ancient Greek times when someone made a famous quote of: "A Big Wooden Horse, I'll sign for that"

Richard proved his inability of use in a public sector, in fact his teachers recall noticing Dick's I.Q. would lower each time he took a shit. Some days they would have to piss in his ears just to clear his mind. He was nicknamed "Abe Lincoln" in his varsity year because his last 4 scores where 7 years ago, and as a running joke other students would ram their fists up Richards ass to make the dummy talk without their lips moving.

FIRST JOB

Richard was so much of a cock sucker, he thought he would defy odds, so he applied for a job as a game-show host, but was soon told to fuck off as he was giving the shits to half of Australia, and the other half where at least soft and moist. Richard went down in history as the most hated cocksucker ever to be given the opportunity to be seen on national television.

SECOND AND CURRENT JOB

With Australia now hating every inch of this dick-licker, it was only natural that Ch. 9 would employee him and give him a position interviewing celebrities. However rarely do any REAL celebrities want to be interviewed with him. So Richard pretends he is interviewing celebrities by talking to members of Home & Away and Neighbors. Richard became the #1 most hated cock-sucker in Australia's history from 1989 to 2003, but in 2004 the baton was passed to Guy Sebastien. With Guy as the new #1, Richard had to find a new way to get back on top, even sleeping with every male executive in Australia and giving each of them a rusty trombone as a bribe did not help, until Richard found the most annoying poofter in America and joined forces to interview him about the who-gives-a-flying-fuck in Hollyweed. Richard now interviews the fag every morning and has resumed his place as the #1 cock sucker of all time.

FAMOUS INTERVIEWS

Interviewing: Freddy Mercury of Queen

Richard: "Hello, Mr. Mercury, Welcome to Australia. Can I Push Your Stool In?"

Freddy: " I think i'm going to love it here"

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Interviewing: Molly Meldrum

Molly: "I smell cum"

Richard:"Yeah, I just farted"

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Interviewing: Micheal Jackson

Micheal: "Thank you, Richard. I'm very happy to be here, what would you like to ask me first?"

Richard: "Micheal, would you mind sucking on my cock like you're drowning and my balls contain oxygen"

Micheal: "Sorry, You're not my type"

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