Lara Bingle

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Recognize her?

“So who the bloody hell is she?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Lara Bingle

“TITS! ”
~ the average thought of a man when he sees Lara

Who is Lara Bingle? No really, who is she?

Honestly, no one really knows. The world may recognize her as that mildly hot chick at the end of that Australian tourism ad, but it seems that this Lara Bingle is in fact a media hoax created by the Australian government to really annoy its people!

Sequence of events[edit]

The ad[edit]

As the advertising campaign first came to attention in 2006, nobody cared that the girl used such a minor expletive as "bloody hell" in the commercial, which was why it annoyed Australians terribly as all their media started covering the anxious lead-up to its unveiling to the world, the moral controversies, and possible audience reaction and confusion of its over-Australianism.

Aussie reporter: So what do you think of the ad?
Foreigner:       Meh.
Aussie reporter: But the girl said "bloody hell"; touches a nerve, doesn't it?
Foreigner:       I said, meh.
Aussie reporter: Or maybe it's too Australian? Do you think it will confuse the world audience when
                 they watch it?
Foreigner:       Can you leave me alone, now?
Aussie reporter: Makes you wonder how cheeky we are, us Aussies, yeah? And smart, too.
Aussie viewers:  Oh, my God...

The show[edit]

Needless to say, it was further annoying when the Australian population tuned in to their favorite TV program, Dancing with the Stars, to suddenly find this Lara Bingle dancing about their screens. The fact that the girl danced so well for a model stirred suspicions firstly as to if she really was the same unco girl as in that tourism commercial. At any rate, they managed to vote her out of the show in record time.

The suit[edit]

"I am so defamed."

If you thought the government was going to let them off so easily, you thought wrong - that's assuming the government was behind it. The next stage was the staple lawsuit (that got more than its fair share of publicity) against the lads' mag Zoo Weekly for publishing "defamatory" and annoyingly hot photographs of her, which was weird since she wanted them taken in the first place.

The photos[edit]

Before the case even got much further, another annoying blow to the Australian people was delivered as its helpless perverts rushed to the German GQ Magazine website to look at naked underaged photographs of Lara allegedly posted on its website, which crashed due to jizz corrupting the internet. The internet got sticky and stuff, which was like... I guess really bad. The photos exist in a parallel universe called google that simply doesn't exist. Lara Bingle has NEVER exposed her breasts and enjoys chicken soup and a nice shower.

Zoo Weekly, the magazine that most Australians generally agree exists, has decided to use the alleged fact that she had those photos taken for their case against this now existentially elusive woman. It was easy for them to think that if she exists, then the evidence would help them; if she didn't exist, there was no case. But either way, they too have been terribly annoyed.

The scandals[edit]

Lara Bingle likes to have sex with incredibly stupid Australian sports stars. They include Brendon Fevola and Michael Clarke. Any fallout from these affairs are Bingle's fault as Fevola is the missing link and Clarke is made of fluffy clouds that float above an inferior world. Bingle and Clarke split at some point as she realised she was a born again stripper and he acknowledged that his balls would never drop.

In 2011 Bingle starred in a print, radio and television ad for Keep Australia Beautiful/Coca Cola Amatil with Australian comedy legends Russell Gilbert and Nick Giannopoulos. The scandal is of course that Lara Bingle is not a comedy legend but a superb example of how people like, exist... and breathe and stuff. Bingle was quoted in a strictly exclusive, non-paid interview for New Woman's Weekly as saying "I have never exposed myself for non-monetary gain unless that like, means... um I guess... money and tits and stuff... I need my dignity respected because........"

Michael Clarke responded to the interview by saying "I have no penis and I sold my balls/soul to Satan so that I might crack a forty average".

Bingle got the photographer to flick her nipples and dance around the ashes of Fevola's marriage certificate.

Hoax to be revealed?[edit]

Assuming Lara Bingle really doesn't exist, Australians have been catching on to this little detail and are theorizing that this is all a big hoax perpetrated by none other than the Australian government to annoy the hell - in fact, the bloody hell - out of them.

Guess who!

As the then Prime Minister John Howard prepared to, too, be voted out by the nation, some have heard of talk that when his time comes, Howard will announce resposibility for this undertaking. The man's lips has since remained sealed since he left office, but the Rudd government is expected to uncover the whole plot from deep within the super-secret Aussie government files. Fragmented news has predicted that when Lara Bingle is finally announed fake, her very purpose-built android will be on for auction for whatever sick perversions the buyer has in mind. Some sources even tell of an entire production line of Lara Bingle anrdroids for retail sale after the Prime Minister's announcement so that every household will have a Lara in them.

As news coverage start to go crazy over this possibility, no doubt our hearts are with the Australian people who have to endure their torment of annoyance that Bingle continues to elicit from beyond the grave.

Lara Bingle has breasts and people have seen them.

Replacement[edit]

The official word is that Lara Bingle is being "replaced" as the face of Australian tourism in response to the scandals surrounding her as well as for the failed campaign to bring more tourists in (which costed a suspiciously big AU $180 million). The campaign had seemingly backfired as the tourists were smart enough to tell a fair dink annoying Aussie from the typical one.

This time, the tourism board thinks they've got it figured out, maximizing Aussie annoyance and minimizing tourism deterrence with...

Bindi Irwin.

Good God.

Even More Offensive Tourism Advertising[edit]

1) fuck australia's fucking great so why the fuck aren't you here motherfuckers?
2) Get your fucking arse to Australia dickheads and fuck Lara Bingle's pussy hard as you can that she won't be able to walk properly 3) Australia: The anus of the world. Come plug us!