Skippy the Bush Kangaroo
“Oh, there is a lot of pressure here for the Skippy, eh?”
Scipio Valzone, more commonly known by the stage name Skippy the Bush Kangaroo, is an Australian actor, marsupial and organised crime figure. He is beloved by generations of Aussies that grew up watching his TV show. However, his popularity eventually plummeted when his criminal activities came to light.
Early years[edit]
Skippy (Scipio Australianus) was born to Italian-Australian-Kangaroo immigrants Giuseppe and Rosa Valzone — who were market gardeners located in Griffith, New South Wales (wink, wink).[1]
Skippy had a troubled childhood. He was frequently beaten by his drunken father, and had difficulty fitting in with the placental mammals at his school. In 1964, he was arrested for carrying a concealed weapon.[2] The following year, he severely wounded William "Blinky Bill" O'Rourke, in a knife fight. Due to Blinky's connections with the O'Rourke crime syndicate, Skippy was obliged to skip leave town, and so went to Sydney. This decision changed his life.
TV career[edit]
Skippy the Bush Kangaroo[edit]
A chance encounter with Australian TV producer Andy Warhol in a bar on Sydney's Oxford Street[3] led to Skippy being cast in a new television series. An experiment in reality TV, Skippy the Bush Kangaroo had Skippy living on Waratah National Park with the park ranger, his son, a helicopter pilot and an anomalous hot blonde chick named Clancy.
The premise of the show was that Skippy and friends[4] would have many quaint little adventures in the bush — with perhaps the occasional encounter with a more serious menace such as a poacher or something.[5] However, by the third season, producers had noticed that there were a lot more encounters with criminals than one would expect, and began looking rather suspiciously in Skippy's direction and noticed what sort of grass he was really chewing.
Skippy, seeing the writing on the wall, resigned before any serious investigation could begin. The show limped on for one final season, now renamed to Bitey the Deadly Funnel Web Spider, before being cancelled. Two months later, Bitey was trodden on and buried outside Skippy's old dunny.
Countdown[edit]
After a few years on the Australian guest star circuit,[6] Skippy finally found a permanent place on TV as host of the Australian version of Countdown[7] — a program dedicated to providing a showcase for all of the great Australian rock bands of the 1970s, such as AC/DC.[8]
However, Skippy's appointment was not without its critics, with many viewers and interviewees complaining that Skippy's inability to speak other than in a series of clicks and tuts made it difficult to understand what he was saying. He was replaced by Ian "Molly" Meldrum, who was just as incomprehensible — but was at least incoherent in English. Skippy would then move on to become a successful career as a nightclub singer.
World Series Cricket[edit]
When Kerry Packer stunned the parts of the world that sided with his World Series Cricket coup, Skippy took up a position as part of the Channel Nine commentary team. Having learned from the Countdown fiasco, Channel 9 had translators at work rewriting Skippy's witty remarks and anecdotes into English subtitles. Unfortunately, Skippy was inclined to talk too much, and often much of the screen was obscured by text, making it hard for viewers to watch as pace bowlers made very long run-ups.
Organised crime[edit]
It is often speculated that even after this period of his life, Skippy remained in contact with all of the organised crime figures that either ended up in prison or dead in a ditch somewhere in Western Australia.[9] Indeed, it has been suggested that the character of "Johnny Numbat" in The Godfather Part II was based on Skippy. Certainly, the Sydney Area Newspaper suggested that Skippy had orchestrated the extinction of the Nail-Tailed Wallaby, but retracted the comment when Skippy threatened to sue.
Costigan Commission[edit]
Skippy's dirt dealings came to light with a leaked report from the Costigan Commission — which was formally the Royal Commission on Whatever-the-Hell-We-Happen-to-Find-Interesting.[10][11] The report listed alleged misdoings of a prominent Australian businessman (codenamed "Goanna", and believed to refer to Kerry Packer) and his associate (less anonymously codenamed "Kangaroo" and believed to refer to Skippy). Packer vigorously defended himself from the allegation both in the courts and the media. In the end, no charges were ever made. Skippy, on the other hand, chose to defend himself by being taking three hostages inside of an abandoned flat, and defying police to take him alive while shooting at them with a machine gun.[12]
Capture[edit]
After running out of bullets, the Special Operations Group[13] raided the house and Skippy was captured. After six court hearings, Skippy was cleared on all charges of tax evasion and drug smuggling, brought on him by the Costigan Commission. However, Skippy did plead guilty to three counts of kidnapping, one count of possessing an unlicensed firearm, and one count of feeding dog biscuits to a Nazi in a public petting zoo in North Dakota. Imprisoned for ten years, Skippy was released in 1995 on the condition that he turns in crown evidence to ICAC. Which he did, of course.
ICAC star witness[edit]
Skippy appeared before the Australian Independent Commission Against Corruption and, through his lawyer, accused prominent television personality Kerri-Anne Kennerley of involvement in an international conspiracy involving a person codenamed "OW", who he described as "either a nineteenth century poet, author and wit who was persecuted for his homosexuality; or an African-American talk show host bent on world domination."
Though the accusation didn't stick, it did lead to investigations into Kerri-Anne's moon-based death ray.[14] This led to the moon-ray's destruction, and also resulted in a severe fine for Kerri-Anne. The following morning, during an interview with Glenn A. Baker, Kerri-Anne placed a cheery Channel 9 Death Curse on Skippy. The Kangaroo has been in hiding ever since.
See also[edit]
References[edit]
- ↑ Note to non-Australians: this is a marijuana joke.
- ↑ The first of many crimes to be added to his rap sheet — after many warnings of drinking and hopping.
- ↑ This is a gay joke.
- ↑ Or hostages
- ↑ As poached eggs at the time were illegal.
- ↑ A very small world.
- ↑ As Jimmy Carr refused to provide 8 to 10 cats.
- ↑ Note to Australians: this is intended as a humorous overstatement. I am well aware that the 1970s Australian rock scene also produced such fine acts as the Skyhooks.
- ↑ Or in two cases, taken by and eaten by dingoes.
- ↑ Note to everyone: this joke is so obscure, even I don't get it.
- ↑ Frankly, I'm not sure if it's even a joke.
- ↑ Which he got from an American mate.
- ↑ The Australian police equivalent of SWAT.
- ↑ No relation to the Death Star.
