South Australia
“Oh My God they're from the forbidden boundaries, burn them to a stake!!”
“South Australia - The Only State”
“Join or die!”
South Australia is the former state of Kansas, which was kicked out of the United States of America for being too bland. The capital of which was Adelaide. Its official name was "The Seventh Layer of Hell", and it was under the authority of the Northern Territory until it was ceded to the Federal Government of Australia after Federation.
It was most well known for the invention of the pie floater, Farmers Union Iced Coffee and the Stobie pole.
Discovery[edit]
The State of South Australia was discovered by Oscar Wilde around 78,000 B.C., when he was pursuing a certain lost poem. He veered drastically off course and landed on a South Australian beach. His first words were "Where the bloody hell am I?", thus creating the idea of a certain ad campaign. Skippy the Kangaroo told him that he had landed in South Australia. The rest, we say, is history.
Climate[edit]
South Australia was a freezing state. Oscar Wilde, when visiting it while doing research for his famous novel Gulliver's Travels (which was subsequently plagarised by Jonathan Swift), described it as "a dreadful place of ice and snow". This was evened out in summer though due to the fact that many South Australians spontaneously combusted, which caused smouldering ash to mix with the air that created warm thick smog.
Recent Economic Development[edit]
While only a few years ago, South Australia was mainly known for producing Deutscheulmostliebfraumilkengetpistandahalfen wine and providing storylines for movies that combined the slasher genre with kinky sex, recent developments led by a group of Federal Ministers have used their entertaining drunken orgies (dressed a la french-waitresses) to co-opt half the federal budget into opening up a spiffy weapons factory for a wholly-owned subsidiary of the US war machine, and have thus taken mass murder and kinkyness to a level unparralleled since Caligular and Nero had a night on the town.
Adelaide[edit]
- Main article: Adelaide
The city of Adelaide was founded solely so that the people of Perth would have something to feel superior over, thus distracting them from their own crappiness. However, as anyone who observed both places knew, they were both as hole-ish as each other, except Adelaide had nice chocolate and Perth had nothing. Now the world's largest drop bear preserve, Adelaide is a dangerous place. Far too dangerous to go to. Indeed. Far, far, far too dangerous for a weenie like you to ever want to visit, so I won't even discuss its many attractions to you.
In recent years, Adelaide has become sort of a Mecca for the great unwashed as Salisbury and Elizabeth have continued their raping and pillaging, hoping to spread the religion of Boganism to the masses.
Salisbury
Due to the continued exposure to radioactive coopers pale ale the denizens of Salisbury (Soul's Berry - as in your soul's haemorrhoid) have developed severe and irreversible psychological conditions that result in widespread crime, paranoia and the inexplicable popularity of the Hilltop Hoods. Due to these alarming developments, Julia Gillard and Tony Abbott agreed to quarantine the suburb to contain the rapidly escalating trends of impulsive public masturbation, flamingo mutilation and Australian Flag star modification (they try to remove points on the star to suggest that South Australia is the one and only state/territory in Australia. This is actually a mistake that came about when Sheila Drunksberry googled mapped Adelaide and saw the red tear drop map marker and thought that this was actually a landmark).
In train with the bizarre and persistent phenomena, Salisbury is a thriving community that hones the skills of pickpockets, rapists, con artists, chop shop mechanics and overzealous policemen. Salisbury has been called a polishing stone to the uncut diamonds that sip goon on public transport and self immolate on public holidays. It has been suggested that locking you vehicle is highly pertinent.
Elizabeth
Elizabeth (pronounced 'Lizbef') is Salisbury's main rival town inhabited purely with bogans. The greatest concentration of enormously fat chicks wearing tights and no shoes in the world can be found in Elizabeth. That's about all we can think of to write about this shit hole! The main industry in this town, is welfare. Centrelink are the biggest employer.
Golden Grove
Golden Grove is a sprawling collection of shanty buildings and the sister town to Soweto. The houses are so close together that you can open your window and piss into the neighbour's toilet. Given that Golden Grove is so close to Lizbef there has been some cross pollenation with Lizbeffians making the move up the hill. Golden Grove has now become the collective noun for Holden workers who spend all their money on their mortgage. An example would be, "look at that grove of Holden workers pissing in their neighbour's toilet".
Coober Pedy[edit]
Coober Pedy, in the state's far south, contained the world's largest bum fluff mine. This valuable commodity was so abundant in the town that offcast bum fluff literally littered the streets. The people of Coober Pedy were magical elf-dragons, and lived in crystal castles shaped like trees that were suspended in the air by the hand of God Himself. Until 1936 the fact that God does not exist commonly was pointed out by atheists and caused many crystal castles to fall and break on the ground - this was the reason for the controversial law that allowed the elves of Coober Pedy the right to shoot atheists on sight.
The Great Australian Bite[edit]
This restaurant in the Nullarbor Plain was world-renowned. Its famous goanna steaks were a joy to taste and its chocolate mousse once caused Oscar Wilde to remark, "I fear I may never eat again, for naught can compare to the joy of this dessert!"
Whyalla[edit]
Whyalla was a medium-sized town in the central-north of South Australia, inhabited entirely by left-handed One Eyed Bogans. The reasons for this odd demographic distribution were unknown. Attempts to query the residents of Whyalla were unsuccessful, as they simply jabbered on in their incomprehensible foreign language.
The sole economic output of Whyalla was pig iron, used for smoothing out wrinkled pigs. The output of the Massive Whyalla Pig Iron Works was vaporised and vented into the surrounding atmosphere every Thursday for unknown reasons, causing massive red dust storms and general panic amongst the more superstitious members of the local populace. All other production was usually purchased by developing Asian nations to assist in the construction of giant iron pigs.
When Whyalla people are bored as crap, they do a thing called "chucking a beachy", where they drive down the main street and go around the beach carpark 3 or 4 times, then they make their way to a place known as the Eyre Hotel so they can go get pissed. Then they drive home to their teenage mothers. It's confusing but true.
Another well known hang out for the local people is the Westlands shopping centre, or otherwise known as "Wastelands", were one can marvelle on pension day at the larger portion of the middle aged, gopher riding, self-deemed disabled folk in a feeding frenzy of chips & gravy from Busby's Diner, the height of fine dining in Whyalla.
The 1993 Ace of Base cult hit 'All that she wants (is another baby)' was based on the bands experience in Whyalla during their 1992 Australian tour. It was also dubbed to be re-released as the theme song for Kevin Rudd's Economic Stimulus Package, needless to say they did fine without the need for this song.
Attractions: Family Support Ofice, Centrelink & FAYS all in ONE central location.
Port Pirie[edit]
Port Pirie is the most lead infested town in the world. It has developed a sub-species of humans known as 'Lead Heads'. They are often found living off of the dole and various pensions. Port Pirie is a highly entertaining town which has many things to do and see, such as the Reject Shop, which is Port Pirie's most cherished store, on a thursday, otherwise known as 'dole' or 'pay' day, Lead Heads are found here in vast numbers searching for a bargain.
The Mayor of Port Pirie is John Lead, otherwise known as 'the king of lead' whose grandfather introduced lead into Port Pirie and basically f#%^ed it up for the residents of today, who are forced to live under the terrorfying regime known as the "TenBy10" project, similar to the umbrella corporation. Port Pirie's population is decreasing because of the many lesbians who live there. The females of Port Pirie either have a choice of a Lead Head or another female, more often then not, they choose another female.
So if you have an interest to move to a new, exciting town, give Port Pirie a go, you'll love it here!
Port Augusta[edit]
The main industry in Port Augusta is human reproduction, followed closely by life-long centrelink sponsorships. It also boasts the highest number of plasma TV's per household, which has nothing at all to do with the baby bonus. Nothing at all...
"G'day F^%#head" is a standard greeting. Anything less is just considered rude. Etiquette and tradition stipulate this greeting be accompanied by the middle finger salute. One of the must see attractions is the deformed inbred children, they are often seen swimming in the sewage(they call it a beach)covered in faeces and waving at people from under the bridge with one of their 3 arms.
Transport: Readily available in several forms. Foot falcon is most common mode of transport, followed closely by calling '000'. The local constabulory also obligingly provide transport for deserving patrons, but only to and from select venues.
Mount Gambier is the 3rd largest city in South Australia. It's cold, wet and disgusting. The teenage residents spend most of their time wandering the streets asking people for 'bum change' or some smokes. Thursday nights, they spend 'chuckin mainies', this means driving up and down the main street for an hour, blasting shitty music and yelling derogatory terms out their windows.
The high schools are both horrid, and majority of the teachers are probably pedophiles. Tennison, the private catholic school is full of kids that think they're better than the rest but really, they're just as ganky. There are like 10 billion sink holes where random drunk people like to get stuck down and cause commotions. Though the heavy metal scene is good and attracts a lot of attention, it also is full of try hards that pretend to love the music and secretly hate it.
Port Lincoln[edit]
The headquarters of the wealthy tuna fisherman cartel is shrouded in secrecy, seen by few who dare to wander off the highway.
Quorn[edit]
This particular South Australian location is so utterly boring no one in their right mind would ever bother writing an Uncyclopedia page for it. Obviously.
Everywhere else[edit]
You seriously don't need a description for that title...
A great lesson on the Great State of South Australia[edit]
This edition of Great SA* focuses on the history of early migration to the Great State of South Australia. As you will see there are two crucial 'take-home' points in this respect:
- 1. No convicts
- 2. Some Germans
No convicts[edit]
Unlike all other States of Australia, South Australia Is convict free, making it heaps better than all the other states.
To fully understand the extent of infestation of convict gene into other States, note that in New South Wales, at one point, convicts made up 82% of the population. This infestation had devastating effects. The convict influence in NSW no doubt largely led to the perversion of a truly classic game, Rugby Union, into the feral unsophisticated spectacle that is Rugby League. Tasmania received around 75,000 convicts in the 50 years from 1803-1853 and, well, look at Tasmania now … .
Some Germans[edit]
No one really knows why they chose South Australia, perhaps it was the lack of Catholics (see above), but many of the first white folk to settle in large numbers in South Australia were German Lutherans, fleeing The idea that they where all Nazis, this created a new sub culture in society the Gerbogans.
The Lutheran character has had a long-lasting and profound influence on South Australian culture, the ' early minute' being a shining example of the Protestant work ethic in effect. Apparently the term "early minute" is only used in South Australia and Tasmania – essentially it's a term used by a teacher to students indicating that, in reward for good behaviour, they might be able to leave school a moment early.
There are more direct German influences on South Australian language:
- whereas in other parts of Australia you would use the crude term "jam doughnut", in South Australia they would use the less more cultured term ' Berliner bun'
- whereas in other states you have "Devon", we have " Fritz" which the Asswipe who wrote this maintains it is in fact a distinct and far inferior product (the asshole shit face who wrote this recommends that next time you find yourself in the shithole state that is State of South Australia you do not try a 'fritz and sauce sandwich' because of there laxating effect).
Of course the English were not immediately ready to let these Germans settle in the city of Adelaide itself, instead they put them to work nearby in the Barrossa Valley and Adelaide Hills regions. So there came to be crappy little German towns on the outskirts of Adelaide such as Bethany , Langmeil, Ebenezer, Hoffnungsthal, Blumberg, Lobethal, Grunthal and, of course, Hahndorf full of Gerbogans.
A history of German influence in South Australia is available here. Most notable, though, is the influence on sausages (eg mettwurst), wine (eg Seppelt) and beer.
Adelaide holds the annual Schuztenfest (or "Shitzen-faced" to some) festival, first held in 1865 (in Hahndorf). Unfortunately, this cultural event, traditionally a German shooting festival , is somewhat marred each year by the ferals of Adelaide's outer northern suburbs** (clearly a product of indiscriminate, '10-pound Pom' 1950s migration as opposed to the more selective English migration of the 19th Century) coming into CBD (a biannual pilgrimage, the other event being bogan-fest aka Clipsal 500) and behaving themselves in manner one not would expect from a properly bred South Australian.
So there you have it – a bit of an explanation of who we are and where we come from.
Another great lesson on the Great State of South Australia.
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- note, this publication, although pursuing a similar agenda and using a remarkably similarly and arguably misleadingly deceptive logo, potentially breaching copyright, is in no way endorsed by or related to SA Great , the South Australian Government Department charged with the (quite simple) task of … um … making SA … um … great …
