Ned Kelly

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Ned Kelly
Rappin' Outlaw
Rappin' Outlaw
Background information
Also known as Lil Ned
Kelly's Jelly
Born December 1854
Origin Colony of Victoria, Australia
Died 11 November 1880
  • Singer-songwriter
  • Outlaw
Associated acts The Bush Rangers
Sammy J & Randy

Edward "Ned" Kelly was an Australian rapper and founder of the world famous hip-hop group, The Bush Rangers. His rags-to-riches story was an inspiration to a generation of Australian youths who sought to emulate his success and who saw him as a spiritual vanguard, with a rise from poverty to fame that broke barriers for the under-privileged and called upon them to go further than they ever thought possible. He was born December 1854 and was tragically killed on 11th of November, 1880 at the age of 25, when he hanged himself trying to jerk off. It was later discovered that due to severe gambling and drug addictions that had eroded his finances, by the time of his death Kelly's net worth had fallen to less than. The rapper was nominated as Australian of the Year in 1876 and was also inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 1892. Kelly's fashion sense was seen as ahead of its time as he would often wear a metal bucket over his head, which was seen as an act of rebellion against the Victorian Police.

Early Life[edit]

'I'm a Jumpin' Ned Kelly'.

As a troubled teen and growing up without a father, Kelly found music as his outlet. He was always into the new and trendy music and learnt to play the banjo when he was fourteen years old, a musical instrument that had only just been invented and was more accessible to the lower class than the posher gee-tar, ukulele or mandolin. Two years later, after being overheard on a street corner as he busked (with his mates waiting in the wings to mug anyone who stopped to listen) and with his luckily mates having become distracted by a buggy nearby that had caught on fire, Kelly got signed by Billabong Records, a music studio in South Melbourne. It was here that he recorded his first album, which was self titled. It was well received by both critics and the public alike. One track off the album, "Yeah Nah Mate" went on to become the Number 1 most played song in Australia until 1981 when the Men at Work single "Down Under" took its place.

Stealin' the music[edit]

The Bush Rangers[edit]

A year after his first album, Ned formed the rap group The Bush Rangers with his mates Joe Byrne and Steve Hart along with his younger brother Dan. The group were the first of its kind and were very popular with the Aussie youth. The four would start wearing metal buckets over their heads while performing live shows and filming music videos. A legend arose at the time that the reason for the buckets was in order to hide their ugliness and particularly that of Steve who had no teeth. However, in reality the buckets were mostly used in order to capture smoke while they would take hits of a small heroin pipe that they often held in their mouths, as all four of the members were inveterate drug addicts. Nevertheless, the group would then make a self-titled album that rose to the top of the charts and would become symbolic in Australian history as it was seen as a major middle finger to VICPOL. In 2017, Pepsi made a parody of one of their songs in which in the original, Ned was giving VB Longnecks to the local coppo's and in the Pepsi spoof, Kendall Jenner gave Pepsi Max to the cops.

Collab with Sammy J and Randy[edit]

For his eighth studio album, Kelly teamed up with Aussie Legends Sammy J and Randy Feltface. In between recording tracks, the trio would often be sighted down at the local pub causing a bit of trouble. In one instance, Randy got so smash faced, that he raped a dog. Now, how a puppet has sex with a living creature, I can't tell ya, but it happened. At times Ned would become violent but these particular performances were largely brushed off at the time while Ned was still producing his more enjoyable, musical performances (a collaboration would later be made by Chris Brown and Rihanna as an homage to this aspect of Kelly's personality). The album was praised by critics, but faced fierce criticism from Johno and Steveo, a pair of homeless meth addicts, who said: "Go back to comedy you gay fuck and purple shit!". Sammy J and Randy would return to their comedy act two months later where they now just play the same songs over and over along with telling the same joke until they are booed off stage. This was the last collaboration Ned had with any other artists.

Look Ma, Kelly's on the telly![edit]

Australia's Got Talent[edit]

In 1878, Ned was invited on Australia's Got Talent as a special guest. He would perform three songs, "Yeah Nah Mate", "Such is Life Ya Bastard" and "Bunnings Sausage Sizzle".

The X-Files[edit]

Before the American 1993 series of the same name was created, Kelly portrayed the Ciggie Smokin' Bloke[1] in a 1871 cancelled pilot episode for the Australian black comedy-drama TV series, The X-Files. Kelly's performance went mostly overlooked, however, as he still wore the bucket while acting — resulting in test audiences not knowing if he was actually smoking or not. Special Agent Fox Mulder in the American series was named after two of Ned's favourite things: foxes and mould.

I'm a Celebrity, Don't Hang Me[edit]

In the 1877 season of the show where well known Aussie's are sent to a jungle in Africa,[2] Kelly made it to the semi-finals but was beaten by Hugh Jackman and Sir Edmund Barton after drinking 2 litres less than the former in the "who can drink the most cordial challenge". Additionally, albeit unknowingly, the show's title also predicted the rappin' outlaw's death three years later.


Like with all beloved famous people, Kelly has his own very big statue.

On 11 November, 1880, Ned was doing his daily morning wank in which he would tie a rope, or noose, around his neck while he would ejaculate to increase his satisfaction level to that it was like if he was in bed with Shazza who had herpes. His death shocked the nation to a tee, but it was the footy Grand Final and West Coast were playing Collingwood so no-one cared that much. Victoria Police took this tragedy and spun it in their favour. They lied and said that Ned Kelly was an outlaw and murderer. They de-emphasized his songwriting ability and instead made a few trumped up stories about him robbing banks and holding up trains, neither of which happened any more than once — and even then the hostages probably enjoyed it anyway because he was a lyrical genius. To this day, there are those that still think he was a criminal and those that have a fucking brain and know that he is one of the greatest rappers of all time.

According to tomato sauce, Kelly's final words were "Such is life", which is now plastered on the back window of V8 Utes owned by bogans.


See also[edit]


  1. later renamed to Cigarette Smoking Man in the Yankee adapation
  2. But it's really just a green-screen in Queensland