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The concept that dissuades Americans from drinking cordial.

Cordial, known as squash to Americans, is an undrinkable liquid that humans use to flavour the natural liquid known as H₂O, more commonly known as water. Drinking the pure essence of cordial without mixing it with water would produce an instant onset of Type 3 Diabetes.


Cordial was first discovered in 1628. As it grew on trees at the time, harvesters created new tools in order to remove the cordial seeds from the branches. In 1867, however, cordials evolved and migrated into cordial lakes. Most notably, the Red Sea in China was in fact a source for raspberry cordial before it was drained and replaced with normal water with red food dye. In the United States, cordial is referred to as "squash". Whereas actual squash are referred to as gourds (pictured). Or handball.

Zooper Doopers[edit]

Oh to be so cordial!

A Zooper Dooper is an Australian delicacy consumed on a hot day — which, in Australia, would be days ending in a "y". The juice of a Zooper Dooper is just cordial, but is marketed as "Super Dooper Frozen Flavoured Water" to appeal to children. The reason why a Zooper Dooper doesn't kill when consumed is that it is frozen. Anyone downing a dry and unfrozen Zooper Dooper should wait twenty minutes before going back to the pool.


Kumbuka was a silverback gorilla that lived at London Zoo. Since cordial is dangerous to humans, zookeepers there substituted the gorilla's water supply with tea and cordial. When Kumbuka escaped from his enclosure in 2016, he broke into the London Cordial Reserve and drank most of the United Kingdom's supply of flavoured cordial, plunging the country into the Great Cordial Shortage — which was on a similar scale to America's Great Depression.

As a result of his crimes, Kumbuka was sentenced to death and executed later that year. Although it the British have overcome this disaster, it has wrecked their dental health, since their teeth were now in perfect condition that they weren't able to drink the liquid that rotted their teeth for years after the event.

World markets[edit]

The global cordial market is essential to the world economy. Without it, most stock markets would plummet and governments would shut down. With the average price of one GOC (Glass of Cordial) averaging $100 USD, the United Nations banned the GOC as a currency, as it was useless, non-fungible, and tasted like rotten grapes.

However, cordial companies took over the so-called "liquid streets", competing against soft-drink corporations and the dangerous ripe juice families of South-Boot Italy. British cordial label Robinson's owns all the cordial farms in northern Europe and was responsible for the organised hit of English dentists in reaction to the Kumbuka incident. Australian brand Cottee's controls the cordial criminal underworld of Melbourne. The 2008 television series Underbelly documented their cordial racketeering and undercooking of pork belly.


Cordials can come in a wide range of flavours. These include:

  • Lemon, Lime and Shitters (which contains lemons, limes, and a bitter taste that induces diarrhoea)
  • Vegetable Glass
  • Gasp!Berry
  • Just Orange (literally just oranged flavoured — not the fruit, the colour)
  • John Lemon (a limited edition lemon flavour for John Lennon's would-be 70th birthday in 2010)
  • Pepsi-Cola (as Coca-Cola would not collaborate with the cordial industry, but Pepsi would... sell-outs)

See also[edit]

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