Underbelly
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| The following article is banned from viewing in Victoria due to certain court restrictions. Something about prejudicing the jury against defendants. Carl Williams definitely would be convicted if the jury saw him making out in the show (shudders). |
“Oh boy. This is gonna cost us.”
“Those guys are bad, bad men...”
Underbelly is a highly acclaimed, top-quality drama series (sniggers). It depicts (I use the word loosely) the real events of the infamous 1995–2004 gangland war in Melbourne. The show stars top-quality actors such as...oh, I can't keep the charade up anymore. Top-quality actors? My arse has more depth than those guys.
The Plot[edit]
Oh Jesus. Here we go. (draws a big breath) Ok, so, Gangster 1 & Gangster 2 go into a pub and kill some people (who doesn't?). Gangster 1 gets arrested by Predictable Straight Cop 1 and Predictable Straight Cop 2. Then Gangster 1 gets killed. I must have missed something, because they don't mention him again.
Um...yeah, so, then there's Gangster 3. He's an idiot, so he decides to make some drugs and, uh, sell them without telling his buddies. He gets shot in the stomach by Gangster 4 while Gangster 5 watches and masturbates over his large criminal ego. Look how big it is! Uh, what comes next? Oh yeah, a magic unicorn comes and says "This is no good. Please stop. We're on an 8:30 timeslot, for Christ's sake." But no one listens to him. Then Gangster 2 (or was it 3) gets shot by a guy. I forget who. Come to think of it, I forget a lot.
By this stage, I was getting so bored that I decided to mute the sound and do my own Looney Tunes dubbings. Seemed like fun.
So where were we? Ah yes. Daffy Duck decides to makes some drugs of his own, but Bugs Bunny doesn't like the idea and kills him. Meanwhile, a guy looking at porn whispers "Be vewy vewy qwuiet." No joke. Then this other guy comes to the Predictable Straight Cops and says "This series is running out of ideas and money, I'm going to rat out on all my buddies." The Predictable Straight Cops arrest everyone. All that's left is Gangster 3 (who started the whole thing...or was it Gangster 2?). The police-mans go over and arrest him while he was having fun at a barbeque. How rude. That moment ruined the show for me. Or maybe it was the acting. Or the writing. Or the fact that it was shot in Melbourne. Or the fact that they killed VINCE COLOSIMO, the one good actor, off in the second episode. Or maybe it was the acting.
Anyway, once Bad Guy 3 (or was it 1?) is caught, you learn that everyone else of importance dies. Just like a Tarantino film. Except bad.
The Lovely Cast[edit]
Oh goody. Underbelly features a stellar "A" class. Who hasn't heard of Gyton Grantley, Kat Stewart, Rodger Corser and Caroline Graig. As you can se-what? Why are all the names highlighted in red? Surely they have their own page, right? No? That's because no one has heard of them.
Anyway, lets see the list.
- Gyton Grantley as Dumb Fat Main Gangster
- Kat Stewart as Dumb Fat Main Gangster's Unfortunate Wife
- Rodger Corser as Generic Cop 1
- Caroline Graig as Generic Cop 2 (also, a woman)
- Vince Colosimo as Arrogant Dead Gangster
I could go on, but I don't want to tarnish the names of any other aspiring actors who were part of the "show".
Production[edit]
Some time 10 years ago, two TV producers named Des Monaghan and Jo Horsburgh were stuck in Hell discussing how to come back to life to wreak absolute chaos on the Earth through poor programming. Lucifer muscled in on the conversation and suggested to Monaghan and Horsburgh that they make a drama series (not) based on the recent Melbourne Gangland Killings. Lucifer agreed to return Monaghan and Horsburgh to the Earth, and production began with the hiring of three kindegarten students as their writers: Greg Haddrick, Felicity Packard and Peter Gawler.
The two producers then went on to use the real Melbourne criminals to threaten and force up-and-coming actors to star in the show. After the last uncooperating body was disposed of, Monaghan and Horsburgh had their cast set, and was ready to begin filming by hiring specially trained chipmunks as the cameramen.
Reception[edit]
Lots of delusional sheep liked it. Emphasis on delusional.
Controversy[edit]
The Victorian Supreme court banned Underbelly from being screened in Victoria because the show was of such bad quality that it was feared that the people of Melbourne would riot because their city was involved in the shooting. Oh, and the fact that the show might inadvertantly pervert the course of justice by prejudicing the jury against the criminals the show portrays as murdering people. But you shouldn't read too much into that. Unfortunately, by the end of the trials, the show was unleashed on the unsuspecting people of Victoria and rave reviews ensued. None survived.
Sequels, Prequels and Everything in Between[edit]
There have also been two sequel (or chronological prequels) series. Underbelly: The Drug One and Underbelly: The Prostitution One. Both have been just as successful in the Australian television ratings, much to the intense frustration of anyone who has any sense of good taste at all. Channel Nine has also confirmed that Satan's minions, Des Monaghan and Jo Horsburgh, have begun production of a fourth creation, with sights set firmly on the horizon for a fifth season proving once and for all how little self-restraint television producers have when it comes to milking a show for all its worth, and thensome. An American adaptation titled Underbelly: The Golden Bird is based on the events of the famous crime street Sesame Street and it's crime syndicate of drug dealers, hitmen and the head of the syndicate Big Bird during there 50 years of crime.
Recently a show called Underbelly: Sponsored by Gillette, was made, which depicts the life of a prostitute-turned-criminal in Sydney during the 1920's and 1930's.