Peter Costello
“A low altitude flyer”
“Who?”
“Who?”
“Howard's gone, Now im your fellow. Prepare for a regime that's quite mellow. I wear ties that are coloured yellow. That's 'cause im Peter Costello, ello, ello”
Peter (Coward) Costello, once known as the most influential Lieutenant in the Howard regime, is possibly the most, utterly, coolest sounding name in the Australian Government at the moment.[1]
He would have been Prime Minster of Australia by now, if he had any balls. He set a new record for the bitchiest little bitch cake when he bitched out of challenging for the Liberal leadership while unopposed. Instead of taking the leadership he had so long coveted he retired from politics so he could sit at home sucking on his sour grapes. He does love those grapes and shows them to his visitors when he has dinner parties.
Background[edit]
Growing up with mafia connections his whole life had been hard on Costello, but unlike his brother, he never regretted it. To begin with he led a parallel life to several important characters in the Godfather series, yet at a recent date he took an unexpected turn into politics instead of dying alone in Sicily as he should have, some suggest he would have done more good to Australia if he had just followed fate.
After graduating from Ming University, Costello made a name for himself by single-handedly fighting to bring down the price of lollies in Australia from one dollar a jelly-bean.
Unlike most other politicians, he didn't try to look like the family man, instead he aimed for sympathy votes for his unfortunate "nerdy-ness," basing most of this image on Bill Gate's rise to success. This nerdy-ness served him well during his time when he was also in charge the Ministry of Silly Smirks (renamed after the Department of Sarcastic Smirk which was run from the Office of the Previous PM, Paul ("Bugger off you unrepresentative swill") Keating.
Bending over backwards (an unusual pose for those dealing with Howard, unless you're the Shrub) to take the mantle of "World's Greatest Treasurer" from Keating, he only succeeding in bending over the productivity growth trendlines, so Costello's hoped-for J-curve became an S-bend.
Costello did in fact enjoy a short period as prime minister in 2003, while Little Johnny was having his afternoon nap. Costello's temerity to take the leadership (both in the Party Room or in the style of Caligula and Tiberius) was further evidenced by his failure to declare war on anyone during Honest John's kip, apart from a threatening snarl and hissy-hit at a few skeptical economists who were worried about trivial matters like current account and trade deficits, rather than fiscal propriety (i.e. taxing more than you spend).
The Conspiracy Theories[edit]
Some might be troubled to know that Peter Costello's full name is in fact Peter Howard Costello, meaning that his middle name is actually the same as John Howard's middle name (John Howard Howard). This clearly suggests that they are related through some kind of Penguin Alliance scheme that is bound to bring the Moon Rockets down to earth causing utter destruction to the Gryphon People...or it could simply be a coincidence.
Poor Peter's biggest drawback is the perenial sea of M.A.S.H viewers who can only identify him with the famous Frank Burns. For those not familiar with the award winning tv show stll in re-run after more than 30 years, Frank Burns bears an uncanny resemblance to the Treasurer. He has no lips and smirk that even a mother would loathe. Any M.A.S.H. viewer could tell you what happened each time the Colonel left Frank in charge of the unit. Total chaos. With Peter in control of the country he will be the Errol Flynn of politics - everything he touches he will....
Current Aims and Goals[edit]
Peter Costello, or Petie for short, is currently undergoing some sort of top-secret mission known only as "must-kill-john-howard-before-next-elections-alpha." From what the Uncyclopedia agents can gather, this is a mission to gain more power for himself before the next elections. We can't be too sure and our agents tell us that we can only speculate at this stage, although they have a strong feeling that the name might suggest something. Alpha, for example, is a Greek word...perhaps he's going to Greece.
(The author would also like to note that this mission is almost as secret as the failed "must-run-over-howard-in-a-bus-sigma"* mission last year, although most obviously completely unrelated).
- Random fact about must-run-over-howard-in-a-bus-sigma: This mission's only noticeable flaw was that it was incredibly hard to run over someone driving a bus.
Family Life[edit]
As suggested before, there is none. However, for those that are interested, he's out there and waiting for the perfect woman to come along...plus he's the Treasurer of Australia. Turning you on, ladies? It shouldn't be, a treasurer only is a really rich taxation officer. However, one must always remember the money factor (a factor that the author recalls now). Due to some generous gifts from the Australian Taxation department, Uncyclopedia would like to point out that he does, in fact, enjoy creamy coffees, sunsets, and long walks on the beach.
Betrayal[edit]
When John Howard found that he had no chance of winning the 2007 election he decided to resign undefeated, releasing this statement.
"http://www.youtube.com/v/2Ljo7E81efk&hl=en_GB&fs=1&rel=0"
Costello's subsequently disastrous performance on election day left him depressed and it is believed that this led him to his life of alcoholism later in life.
Alcoholism and Death[edit]
Upon the Liberals losing the 2007 election as a direct result of Costello's bid for leadership in light of John Howard's retirement from politics, Costello left the media spotlight in search of enlightenment by wandering the Aral Sea. It was there that during a wind storm he took shelter in the rotting carcass of Bert Newton. Within the caverns of Bert he came across 12,000 750ml bottles of Smirnoff Vodka. As his diaries testify he consumed these bottles as they presented his only means of nutrition and this wasn't a very good idea considering he subsequently died several days later of alcohol poisoning and dehydration.
Costello is survived by his dog Mimpsy.
Footnotes[edit]
- ↑ At least its not Kimberly. Or Julia.
