Vegemite

Vegemite briefly spread to the Americas, where it became a flavouring ingredient for soda pop.

Vegemite is a term coined by members of the vegetarian movement. It takes its name from the town of Vegem, destroyed by a vengeful Old Testament God for the crime of using yeast-extract as a bum-sex lubricant. When spoken, it must be accompanied by a raised fist to ward off evil vegetable consumers.

Vegemite is also used as an Australian brand of axle grease. Typically sold in two pound jars, it is noted for its powerful abilities as a lubricant and its pleasant odour. Users should take care as it can dissolve latex. A common side-effect of Vegemite consumption is Rose Cheek, although the official claim that "It puts a rose in every cheek" is widely disputed.

Despite common assumptions that "it just grows on trees", Vegemite is actually mined from the ground. Outback Australia has dozens of Vegemite mines, and most Vegemite miners come up with cases of "Rose Cheek" after prolonged exposure.

The British equivalent, Marmite, is a much lighter petrochemical product, being sump oil rather than axle grease. This is related to the colder weather in Britain, and British cars having much smaller engines on average than the Australian equivalents.

A further use of the word Vegemite is as a theological reference in the little-known British religion Christianity. To Christians, "Vegemite" refers to the unending hell of quasi-Marmite that unbelievers will have to consume in their journey through the Afterlife (also known as Disney).

Production method

The ingredients required to make Vegemite is top secret. However, it is a known fact that large quantities of koala shit and kangaroo piss are not involved. It has been rumoured that dingo testicles are routinely added to give Vegemite it’s extra “ZING”. Vegemite, like beer, must be fermented. The most popular location for fermentation is between the buttocks and the humble seat of your average Sydney city taxi driver. The rancid smell emitting from your humble Sydney city taxi driver is a direct result of the fermentation process, not the unhygienic tendencies of the driver.

Vegemite is actually baby food made from Aboriginal babies. This was confirmed by the Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd who declared in 2007 that he was a "Toast and Vegemite guy". Nowadays Indian babies and babies of illegal immigrants are added to the mix, thus making it be able to be eaten by a truly multicultural community.

Trivia

• Vegemite is one of the few edible brands of axle grease. Unlike Marmite, it is an acquired taste, and is best served on toast.

• John Howard was the first Prime Minster to be featured on the label. This was to replace the former cricket star Coby Bryant's endorsement "Coby's favorite, next to rape."

• Vegemite looks like shit smeared on toast, but tastes even better.

• Vegemite is similar to the American apple butter, only without the apples.

• Kraft, which distributes Vegemite, will announce a new line of flavored Vegemite, including grape, mango, and kiwi-strawberry, the latter made of real New Zealanders.

• Vegemite is a small part of a common hangover cure (consisting of a small slosh of beer at room temperature, salt and pepper, Worcestershire sauce, WD-40, oysters, and raw egg, all stirred with a Vegemite-coated spoon).

• Vegemite is the Number One topping at all Australian Sub-Way restaurants; and since 1974, McDonalds in Australia have offered the choice of Vegemite in place of mayonnaise on all Big Macs sold.

• One source of the attractive smell of Australian men is their habit of washing their hands in turpentine and Vegemite instead of soap.

References

• Shell Oil advertisement, 1977: "When the going's hard, Don't retard! Remember your lubrication."