“What big eyes you have.”
“I did not have sexual relations with that man.”
“Naomi Robson is a dirty litle crack whore”
“Ethics? Wtf is that? Now go find me a dying child to laugh at!”
“I did not intend my inventions to be used so excessively nor for such evil.”
“ARGHHHHHHHHH IT BURNS HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!”
Naomi Robson (real name: Fanny Longcock) is an autocue reader from Australia.
The Creation of the monster
Born of an amorous encounter between the Prince of Darkness and a feral bush-pig at Channel 7's Sydney studio, Robson was then adopted several hours later by the kind-hearted nuns of the 'Sisters of Mercy' sorority. During her time at the 'Phat-Bitch Orphanareum' Robson subjected the other children and the nuns to years of cruel, sadistic and systematic abuse. Stories of Robson's survivors have documented their tales of abuse in special "A Current Affair" segments, which included graphic depictions of Robson stringing naked children upside-down while using them as pinatas, cracking open the heads of Christian children after having her make-up bags confiscated, and inscribing "I am a whorish and shrewish bitch" into the stomach of a nun with a Bic lighter. After a massive headhunting campaign led by Kerry Stokes to recover Channel 7's own seed of satan, Robson was discovered and given her rightful place at the network - fronting "Today Tonight", the most scrupulous, accurate and respected journalistic program in Australia. She has since been voted the fourth most attractive horse on Australian television by the people at TV pissweak magazine.
Robson's career began in 1997 when she accepted the position as the host of Channel 7 Australia's current affair show "Today Tonight". Renowed of her ability of adding excessive, one-sided, personal comments on major national issues such as unhygienic resturants and unruly adolescents walking on their own porches, Naomi Robson leads the brat pack of gossip journalists each weeknight to uncover the truth behind those 5-cent inflations of potato prices and why Marge Harrison got an extra $3000 dollar bill on her Telstra account after calling a singles hotline for over 4 years.
Despite being herself a potential participant of intensive anger management training, Robson always, according to the producers of the Today Tonight show, "tries to appear nice in front of the camera with her expensive garbs and 4-inch thick make-up". Indeed, due to her heavy reliance on her autocue, she does, from time to time, demostrate volatile behaviour when it seems to malfunction - according her obsessive-compulsively high standard of neatness - in one way or another. One night the autocue failed during her goodbye message and she did not know how to continue, even though she closes the show the same way for the last ten years by saying "I hope you have a great evening, please take care, and goodnight". Instead she closed the show saying: "Who is responsible for this f---ing autocue. I am the f---wit who ends up looking like a f---ing f---wit up here. I should be able to read every f---ing word, every f---ing comma. Jesus. They f--- this up and they f--- that up. F---ing hell."
A Pubic Affair
In 2001 Naomi was featured in an article of Womans Day which accused her of having an (sexy) affair with Opposition Leader Kim Beazley. This left the Australian Parliament hungry for more, and Kim hungry for a Big Mac meal.
After the article was read by Naomi three months after it was printed she decided to cancel her subscription but instead of ticking the "cancel subscription box", on the subscription cancelling form, she ticked the "Kerry Packer Heart Disease BOX" which automatically sent heart disease to all Centrelink recipients through the mail. Cigarettes and drug fines being the only source of revenue for the government since the Australian Revolution, the country soon ran out of money. Hundreds of thousands starved.
The most affected were politicians who were forced to deviate from their agenda's to come up with a solution. This turned the House Of Representatives and Senate into something that resembled a room full of pre-teen school girls argueing about things that don't matter while ignoring things that do (matter).
Meanwhile Naomi, completly oblivious, opened her Centrelink letter (she's a welfare fraudster) expecting a new form but instead got a face full of heart disease. She eventually recovered but her evil bush-pig-like features were hideously diluted into their purest form making Today Tonight almost hypnotic, and making her stories irresistible to old age pensioners and welfare recipients.
Her Darkest Hour
On the 27th of November in the year 2006, at the end of her nightly program, the evilnessness revealed to the world she is about to leave the Today Tonight program after 10 years. The Australian Media report that she has been creating a nest out of her own bile and urine for the last 10 years, and her offspring are about to hatch, she will need to devote some time raising her evil minions to topple us all to our doom.
Enhancing With The Stars and beyond
In 2007, Naomi (or Hagatha, as s/he now prefers to be called), was recruited for the nationally renowned F- list celebrity reality television debacle (or show, as Channel 7 now prefers it to be called). The program's premise is to pair up personalities with professional wankers, so some lessons can be learned. In Naomi's/Hagatha's case, s/he learned to be human.
A week after s/he was voted off the program, Hagatha/Naomi was declared the winner on The Biggest Loser: Literally. TBL, which is on another network, has declined to offer it an "Official Channel 7 invitation to Naomi/Hagatha to become Australia's answer to Oprah Winfried-Chicken". Today, Hagatha/Naomi is scouting locations across Uranus for a place to knit tea cosies and collect pocket lint. The Australian Government has issued an advance warning to all, advising that any nether-regional diseases must be cured by dipping one's behind in acid to rid one self of naomirobsonitis.
The "I blame Naomi Robson for..." myth
On a server near you there is a private forum which has a sticky on which its members lay blame for all of lifes cruelties. After weeks working with the chinese governments Department of Foreign Hacking Ministry we gave up and called the forums moderator. he has agreed to allow us to post a select few of the glorious things that Naomi Robson has been blamed for.
Finally!!! Here is the place where you can apportion blame for things to Naomi Robson. We all know she is the cause of all evil in the world, but what specifically do you blame Naomi Robson for???
I blame Naomi Robson for
- The oil shortage, too much crude oil in makeup
- Global Warming
- Global Warming denial
- Global Cooling
- Al Gore being a complete asshole
- The Plague
- The Holocaust
- Kevin Rudd's success at the last election
- Anna Coren
- Today Tonight
- The Chaser getting arrested
- Australia losing to Italy in the World Cup
- The demise of the North Sydney Bears
- The success of Eddie McGuire
- Being sick all weekend
- The exorbitant cost of cigarettes and alcohol
- John Laws
- Stan Zemanek
- Fat People
- The Gays
- Erectile Disfunction
- Christina Ricci losing so much weight I no longer find her attractive
- The FedEx Ninja
- Hip hop music
- Our underfunded public schools
- Every one of our private schools
- The sinking of the Titanic
- The Bermuda Triangle
- People sending faxes through to the phone at work
- The laws which severely restrict smoking on licenced premeses
- Not winnng the lottery
- Not winning the lottery again
- My gambling addiction
- My alcohol addiction
- The Dwyer
- Being robbed in Prague
- iiNet's poor service
- Telstra's poor service
- FG Falcon looking exactly like BF did
- The kitty litter being full
- The Transformers movie not meeting the standards of my idealised childhood memories
- The 50 cent increase in milk
- 50 Cent
- Having to pay GST. Do you know how many prostitutes I could have hired with that money?!
- Colin McRae dying in a helichopper crash
- Britney, Justin, Timberland, etc.
- Ducking stools
- Sydney's ferries
- Steve Irwin's death
- Peter Brock's death
- The Veronicas not being dead yet
- Making me turn gay
- Nicola Roxon's hideous hair
- Avian Flu
- Swine Flu
- Credit Crunch
- AAAAAAAAA AAAAAAA
- Unsolicited email
- Matthew Newton's "breakdown"
- Unwanted nasal hair
- It snowing on Mt. Wellington today
- John Denver being a crap pilot
- My wife fancying Bear Grylls
- Bear Grylls
- Mahna Mahna never being nominated for a Grammy... probably
- Midgets (or, people of short stature for the faint of heart)
Ged rid of Anna, but we'll keep Naomi around, as a scapegoat and beacon of fine journalism.
Accordingly, she will be leashed, and led down George Street by a small child at the head of a parade on Australia Day, as the crowd jeers and yells at her and generally blames her for their shitty lives. Once the parade reaches Circular Quay she will be strapped into a ducking stool, ceremonially dunked in the harbour thrice, before being returned to her cell. Thus shall Sydney's misfortunes be washed away annually.
The whole of Australia's indigenous population will be specially bused/flown/railed in so that they can blame her for over 200 years and counting of shabby treatment by the white man. That'd beat an official apology any day.
Or...lock her in a portaloo, tip it upside down and make her lick herself clean. Today Tonight is a direct influence on Jackass, or is it the other way around?
Naomi II - Anna Coren
Anna Coren is, indeed, an inspiration to those who think they're journalists. She takes her name from the Australian slang word for female dog. Ever since she took over hosting Today Tonight from Naomi Robson, she has continued the show's proud tradition of unsuccessfully attempting to force lies and other assorted bullshit on the Australian public.