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“This is a fucking great law I love it. I can sack any bastard that is not pulling their weight and kiwis and poms”

~ Oscar Wilde on WorkChoices

Thick wads of bloodmoney in the front pockets of greedy soulless businessmen are now 'protected by law'.

The Workplace Relations Act 1996, as amended by the Workplace Relations Amendment Act 2005, popularly known as Work Choices, was Australia's Prime Minster John Howard's plan to motivate workers. Australian workers are known for taking weekends and leaves, joining unions and strikes, and a multitude of other totally unacceptable behaviours, which put tremendous pressure on the rich and corporate giants. WorkChoices offer a series of choices to employees so that they will work as hard as their employers expect.

The Choices[edit]

... However, these are not.

As mentioned, WorkChoices introduce a series of choices to employees as means of motivation. These include:

  1. The choice between work and family
  2. The choice between work and weekend barbies
  3. The choice of working 12 hours a day, 7 days a week
  4. The choice of having a shrinking minimum wage
  5. The choice of finding a new job after joining a strike
  6. The choice of being forced to sign an Australian Workplace Agreement (AWA), and
  7. The extremely unappealing choice of voting Kim Beazley* to get the new legislations repealed
  • Fortunately, Australians no longer must face this unappealing choice, as Labor Party leader Kevin Rudd (b. 7331 BC) recently, during a party leadership challenge, accidentally devoured Beazley. There have also been rumours that his pet dog, Nibbles, had also been eaten, but these are as of yet unsubstantiated.
  • The new Australian Workplace Agreements, put forth by our current Prime Minister John Howard, give hard workers the opportunity to earn the money they deserve. Contracts are now able to be signed, and allow employers the opportunity to give more time to willing employees without paying overtime.

Protected by Law[edit]

Under WorkChoices, the sovereignty of employers is completely and thoroughly protected. New powers granted include:

  1. The power to force a new employee to sign a bulk AWA
  2. The power to force a new employee to give up all basic human rights
  3. The power to silence unions, especially that Paul Howes fellow
  4. The power to dismiss an employee at any given time
  5. The freedom to select for deflowering the most comely of a local towns young maidens.
  6. The workplace freedom to address employees as befits their ever changing workplace situation as in"You there! Yes you, the grubby little man,come here and be a foot-stool until I tell you otherwise"
  7. The power to allow Australian government advertisements to rubber stamp indiscriminate objects

The Campaign[edit]

It is crucial that all Australians are informed of their doomsday. Millions of WorkChoices brouchers with glossy cover have been printed and distributed nationwide to the benefit of printery owners. Hotlines have also been set up in order to educate employers in sacking employees with Workchoices, and, more importantly, to demostrate the strength of WorkChoices by sacking excessive hotline operators. An over-600-page copy of the bill is available on the WorkChoices website for those who have too much time during their lunchbreaks - if they are ever going to have one again. Recently the name 'workchoices' was banned, and the government now use the phrase 'oops, we fucked up there'. They also have a 'fairness test', which means that workers may get a day off, but only if they are legally dead.

External Links[edit]