Robert Hughes

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The Hey Dad! cast reunion in 2014.

Robert Hughes is a former Australian actor and a one-time singer. He is most famous for his role of playing the father, Martin Kelly, in the hit show; "Hey Dad...Stop That", which ran between 1987 up until 1994. He is now more famously known for being a convicted kiddy fiddler. In 2011, the actress that played his daughter on the show, came forward saying that Robert was not, in fact, acting when doing the "love scenes" with her on the show.

Early life[edit]

He was born on August 19, 1948 in Sydney, New South Wales....Ahhh, fuck it. Who gives a shit? You wanna know what he was convicted of, rather than where he comes from and how he got there. Aren't you a ray of sunshine? But sure, fine, here you go.

Acting career[edit]

Robert played the very over-loving father, Martin Kelly, in the long running comedy sit-com, "Hey Dad... would you stop touching me there". The sit-com was based around Martin being a single father with 3 children. The mother and Martin divorced off-screen prior to the shows debut episode, with the back-story being that they had come to a disagreement when the wife left him after saying "No more fucking kids".

Martin had two daughters, Jenny and Donna, and a strapping young lad named Simon. Other regular characters on the show, were a dopey secretary named Bubbles, and Simon's slobby best friend, Nudge — who carried most of the shows comedy by grabbing Simon's boogers whenever he picked his nose and eating them. The comical aspect of the show came from Mr Kelly always ending a conversation with Simon's best friend by saying his famous catch phrase, "Fuck off, Nudge".

Later in the series, a tubby fat kid joined the show to help boost the ratings. No one better than a kid in a toilet paper commercial was fit for the job. Every other original cast member was re-cast a few times, hoping viewers would be too stupid to realise — which they were.

Martin was an architect and designed rape dungeons for his clients, while also trying to hide his perverted secret from the public that he was banging his entire family on the side.

It now seems like the show was Robert Hughes confusing fantasy for real life.

Initial success of Hey Dad[edit]

You can come out now kids. Uncle Rob's behind bars!

Australian viewers didn't mind a show that was mainly about incest, as long as it's all done in fun, and that no one is actually being molested; then it was fine!

Since the pilot first aired, "Hey Dad... Is this legal?" has been considered to be a classic all Aussie TV show. It was an overnight sensation and within the first season, Australian viewers were already raving about how funny the show about touching kids was — and how it was now touching their lives.

The show was ended in 1994, when Robert felt he needed a change. The child actors on the show were also too grown up now, being in their early teens. He left the show to pursue a role on another children's show, that he created and hosted called; Come on kids!.


In 2011, the actress who played Robert's youngest daughter on "Hey Dad... if I shut my eyes sometimes I forget you are my dad", came out and said that the molesting happening on-screen may have been acting, but that the molesting off-set; was real. This sent a ripple of shock around the nation, with shocked viewers and fans of the show all over saying; "we know when a jokes a joke, but for realz, bro? That's just fucking sick, mate!".

Robert was convicted and sentenced to 11 years in prison on pedophilia charges.



Australia watched live on national television every waking moment of Robert's trial.

Key evidence was discovered that showed Robert was an evil predator, and his shocking answers were too much for the public to handle. But here are the key lines of questioning that helped land Robert Hughes of being found guilty of all charges.


Prosecutor: "Mr Hughes, on a scale of 1 to 10, how old is your girlfriend?"

Unnamed Victims Testimony: "I was only 5 at the time. He pulled his penis out of his pants and made airplane noises as he tried to put in in my mouth."

Robert Hughes: "What rubbish! Lies, lies, lies. She was clearly 6 at time!"

Roberts Local Pharmacist: "He came to me one time and asked for birth control pills for his wife and his 7 year old daughter. I asked what 7 year old is sexually active? He said she isn't, she just sort of lays there and cries!"

Robert Hughes: "That's absurd. I would never say such a thing. I have met quite a few lovely 7 year olds that where quite sexually active!... err.... Oh, wait. Silly me, 7 is not 21, I meant to say 21 years of age!"

Robert's Rabbi Friend: "It all makes sense now, but didn't at the time, ya know? I remember one time we saw a little boy, no older than 8. Robert said to me, "How about we fuck that kid?". I reply to him, "Out of what?"... but I see now he was a pig even back then. To me, pedophiles are fucking immature assholes!"

Prosecutor "Robert, is it true that you once told your friends that the difference between a gun and your dick is that an 8 year old boy doesn't cry when your gun goes off in his mouth?"

Robert Hughes: I... I... no, that's a lie. I'm an incest, I mean, innocent man. Ask anyone who knows me... NO WAIT, NOT THEM...OH BUGGER!

Robert's Psychiatrist: I think he definitely is guilty. I asked him to tell me the first things that popped into his mind when I suggested words. I asked him where is a fun place you can take children? He didn't hesitate to answer "Up the arse!". Later, I found more conclusive evidence to suspect he finds children sexually attractive when I asked what sort of thing might break when you give it to a toddler? He said "Their Ribs!"

Robert Hughes: I am sick of these accusations that I am a monster. I am not a bad person at all. Why, I always slow down when driving around school zones! Not to mention, not a single one of those children I was with EVER received anal sex from me, and I can guarantee that! And why you may ask? Because anal sex is like spinach. Yours truly believes if you have it as a kid, you won't enjoy it later as an adult."

Prosecutor: If that's really the case, Mr. Hughes. Then why did victim #4 claim you did force your way into her valley of the Vegemite walls?

Robert Hughes: "Well, I promised her she wouldn't have to do it when she became an adult. I mean, WHAT? I didn't mean it to sound that way. I have never even met that woman before, anyway. Nor her daughter she's with right now who can't be older than 5. Whom has the same perky little succulent preadolescence hairless nipples that melt in your mouth... err... so see, I don't know her do I?"

Prosecutor: "Victim #2 has stated that you became very aggregated at her for refusing to engage in anal activities on the first date, saying it was a bit too presumptuous. Did you or did you not, Mr Hughes, reply to her, and I quote, "that's a pretty big word for an 8 year old?"

Robert Hughes: "Errr?"

Prosecutor: "Further more, victim 6 said you slapped her in the mouth for not giving you the answer you wanted when you asked her what the difference between yourself and acne was? and she replied to you, "Acne wait's till it's 13 to come on your face!" What do you have to say regarding that, Mr Hughes?"

Robert Hughes: "Ummm....LOL?"

Homre Alone 6.jpg

Robert Hughes: "Saying you live next door to a pedophile just sounds wrong. I prefer to tell people I live next door to a really fucking hot 10-year old!...what?...SHIT MY MICROPHONES STILL ON, OH BUGGER!, BUGGER!, BUGGER!"

Prosecutor: "Mr. Hughes, you said, and I quote "There is nothing better than sex with 26 year old's. Would you care to elaborate further about that?"

Robert Hughes "Pfft, isn't it obvious? There is 20 of them! Err, I mean, no comment your honer!"

Robert Hughes: "Look, this whole thing is a crock. I am a happily married 53 year old man. My wife is 23 years old, and we where celebrating our 10th year anniversary when you bastards arrested me on these accusations that I am a bloody kiddie feeler!"

Robert Hughes: "She was a lousy lay anyway. I've gotten into nightclubs easier then the amount of lube I had to use to get into her 9 year old axe wound!... Get it? Funny, yeah? Oh man, wait till I tell Rolf that one!"

Judge of the Trial: "You know, Robert I'm the court judge here, not a Catholic priest. Just because we are sharing a urinal at recess, doesn't mean what you tell me won't be used against you.... sigh... Robert... stop that. ... I mean it... pissing on my shoes is not going to change this new confession of yours."

Prosecutor: "Mr. Hughes. In 1991 it's been said that you became a member of a group that was put together by Rolf Harris & Fat Cat. Would you mind telling the court the nature of that club?"

Robert Hughes: "Yeah, we called it the 3 ring circus because it was me and two other assholes. Rolf taught me that you should always treat children nicely, sing them songs, play with them, wobble some boards, play with them some more, then draw them a fun cartoon to remember the day with you by. Like a memento."

Prosecutor: "Yes, memento. We actually have one of those mementos that one of your accusers has brought in with her. Here it is. Mr Hughes would you mind describing in your own words what you drew on this "memento" for Victim #5?"

Robert Hughes: "Well, it's obvious isn't it? She had a fetish for getting bubble gum all over her face, and sure this part does look like my penis. Because it is my penis! But it's not what you think. We where pretending gravity no longer worked and my penis was one of many body parts that floated around in non gravity. So there you have it. A perfectly good and scientific conclusion to your accusations!"

Prosecutor: "It floated accidentally into her mouth did it?"

Robert Hughes "Yes! I mean, no. I mean, yes it did but not in a sexual manner. You see there was no gravity, so that means there is no air, so, therefor, it floated towards her mouth, yes, and perhaps entered it. But it saved her life!"

Prosecutor: "How does one's penis in anthers mouth save anyone?"

Robert Hughes: "Everyone knows testicles contain oxygen! I simply let her breath it through my tally whacker to be able to stay alive in space!"

Prosecutor: "But you where not in space."

Robert Hughes: "Well, ummm... no.... errr.... SHIT! I put my foot in it that time didn't I?... oh, BUGGER... FUCKING PROVE I WASN'T IN SPACE?"


Prosecutor: "What did Fat Cat have to say about these accusations when you told him you where arrested for suspicion of child molestation?"

Robert Hughes: "Nothing. That fat cunt is just a voyeur. All I heard was the sound of lube being squeezed from a tube and some heavy panting."

Prosecutor: "Mr. Hughes. Are you making a mockery out of this court room?"

Robert Huges: "Bloody oath I am! This whole thing is a fucking big joke. If I see a piece of cake, I give into temptation and eat it. Not wait 10 or so years for it to age and go all stale and yucky. And while I'm at it, I'll tell ya about the first time I rooted victim #8. We where showering together after a shoot and she looked at my ding-a-ling and asked me what it was? I said it's a penis! She asked me if she was going to get one, and I told her as soon as everyone clears the set and goes home!"


Robert Hughes is now locked away in a prison in New South Wales, where his own hindquarters are subject to occasional "tastes of his own medicine" without the under-age component. The shows take place in front of a live studio audience and never use a laugh track. This isn't Betty speaking — mainly because she's now too old to know how to work a mobile phone.