Tony Abbott

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A hyper-realistic 3D model Abbot made of himself in Blender.

Anthony John "Tony" W. Abbott (born 4 November 1957) was the 28th and now a former Prime Minister of Australia. He has been Leader of the "Liberal" Party since 2009, and the Member of Parliament for Warringahlaningong from 1994 to 2019. Many Australians — notably white male heterosexuals with steady jobs, especially in board rooms — consider Abbott to be the suppository of all wisdom.

Early Life[edit]

Abbott was born in a manger in London, England, on 4 November 1957, to an Australian mother, Fay Abbott (née Peters), and an English-born father, Dick Abbott. In 1960, Abbott and his family left the UK for Australia by a definitely non-boat method of transportation.

During his high school years, Abbott was a very successful paper boy, winning the coveted Young News Deliverers' award for three years in a row.

In 1984, aged 26, Abbott entered St Patrick's Seminary, Manly, and studied to become a priest. However, after failing in an attempt to banish all the snakes from Australia, despite being an esteemed Rhodes Scholar, Abbot left St Patrick's to start a career in politics.

Political Career[edit]

Abbott was first appointed to the Cabinet in 1998 under the Howard Government as Minister for Employment, Workplace Relations and Small-mindedness. In 2003, he became Minister for Misogyny, a ceremonial role to keep him distracted while the grown-ups were working.

Eventually, Abbott managed to escape the playpen, and decided he was old enough to be a serious politician. He got a proper seat in parliament in the 2010 election, as discerning voters all happened to be on holiday in New Zealand at the time.

In 2012, Abbott was criticized by then-Prime Minister Julia Gillard for being a misogynist. As fast as a brown sloth having just fallen from its branch, Abbott struck back, claiming that he knew "several" women and that he had cried while watching Bambi and Finding Nemo and that therefore, he was really a nice guy.

In August of 2013, Abbott got the last laugh, ousting Gillard with the persuasive argument: "Just look at her — she's a woman, for Chrissakes!" He then seized parliament and took over. Australia has been shrouded in darkness ever since, and only by throwing the One Ring into the house of parliament will the curse be lifted.

On the 14th of September 2015 at approximately 9:30pm AEST Malcolm Turnbull successfully caused a leadership spill initiated by throwing the One Ring into the Liberal Party room and thus secured his place as Prime Minister of Australia and ended the eternal darkness. Abbott then proceeded to eat his feelings by consuming a sackful of unpeeled onions on live television.

See also[edit]