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Get ready to patronise Nancy.

Tourism is the disgusting international habit of visiting other countries with the expressed purpose to mock other civilisations. It has always been followed by imperialism, exploitation, slavery and Coca-Cola.

It used to be expensive to travel. Thus, the first tourists comprised (1) the very rich, (2) the very poor, who themselves had been purchased in order to visit foreign countries, and (3) criminals, who visited foreign countries "on the arm" of the very rich, as a condition of their sentences. Each of these forms of tourism helped to spread people all around the world who had no right to be there. One or the other forms of tourism led to modern states like USA, Australia and Brazil.


Tourism, as distinct from invasion and conquest, only really started in the 16th century. The smug Europeans were the first group to want to travel outside their cramped extension of Asia. They quickly conquered the Americas and moved people they didn't like into reservations or mountains or jungles in order to exploit everything they could find.

Economic impact[edit]

Pool party

The first tourists always preferred to steal rather than pay for anything (ask the Incas and Aztecs). Later on the tradition was to barter. Europeans would offer the natives their socks, in exchange for gold and silver.

When these resources ran out, then it was onto to 'tourism'. Visiting sites of special interest and then looting the building and taking it bits back home.

After a few hundred years the natives finally understood what tourism really meant. By then it was too late. They had become permanently exploited.

Cultural impact[edit]

The economic impact was followed by the cultural one. Since all evil comes from Europe, this involved introducing Christianity and getting the locals to forget their native tongues and speak only in English/Spanish/Portuguese and Russian. Oh, and French.

This does sound a lot like colonialism which indeed it was. But along the line the Europeans realised that they needed a better narrative for why they were in a particular country. They naturally started visiting each other's countries in Europe as a dry run before going to mass tourism after the end of World War Two.

Reasons why Tourism took off and became more 'demotic' in its appeal was cheap travel, cheap hotels and cheap booze. This at first looked like quite harmless. Non-Europeans got used to seeing these white skinned foreigners lying on beaches with their mouths wide open. This however led onto something new, a sub-branch of tourism.

Niche tourism[edit]

Sex tourism[edit]

A different type of Thai takeaway

Once again we can blame the Europeans for this. Americans don't usually count, as few have passports and those who do travel can't afford the insurance.

Sex tourism began with European stereotypes. Hot-blooded Nordic Europeans were led to believe that southern European women were sex-starved. Conversely, southern European men were told that the women from the colder latitudes were aching for some old style romantic passion. (Eastern Europeans didn't count then, as it was still the Cold War.)

From the mid-1980s, a new tourism called "sex tourism" arose. It threw off any pretence of cultural enlightenment, the erstwhile supposed benefits of tourism, and embraced the full-on Emmanuelle fantasy of sex under mosquito nets and exotic erotic practices that would be illegal back home (especially in Salt Lake City).

Obstetrics tourism[edit]

Tourism to foreign countries often takes advantage of foreign laws. In the United States, the anti-slavery Fourteenth Amendment guaranteed that anyone born on American soil was an American. Though originally written to ensure that the laws extended to children of slaves, it has given rise to tourism among Mexican women whose bellies have given rise. A modest payment ensures that the youngster drops out on American soil with a full panoply of entitlements.

Surgery tourism[edit]

A mirror image of obstetrics tourism is surgery tourism, where American citizens travel abroad to become free of their government guarantee to health care and get it when and how they want it, and with a minimum of forms to fill out. Surgery tourism focuses on Chile and Costa Rica, where swarthy doctors speaking something resembling English and eager to be paid in dollars can fix most ailments without the involvement of the back-home bureaucracy.

Tourism and terrorism[edit]

ISIS always welcomed tourism from fellow sympathisers.

The link between tourism and terrorism was first established by Che Guevara and the PLO. Recruits were encouraged to join these groups as if they were adventure holidays which had a possibility of death. Later on Al-Qaeda and ISIS made this risk 100% by advertising their 'Come to the Caliphate' holiday brochures where the 'martyrs' death was given a five star rating.

One of the first to see that tourism would lead to terrorism was former US President George W. Bush. His aggressive message that 'tourism is attacking America' encouraged those few remaining Americans to burn their passports and anyone else foolish enough to visit.

Virtual Bucket and Spade[edit]

With tourism and terrorism now so thoroughly mixed up together, governments now want their people to stay where they are not visit anywhere beyond the national borders. If people still want to travel they can either become super rich or turn to what are called 'Virtual Bucket and Spade' (VBS) holidays. This is new technology (undergoing development) which will allow people to imagine they have physically travelled around the world when in reality they have just visited the fridge on multiple expeditions. VBS should finally undo the centuries of damage that tourism has done and end terrorism as well.