Tasmanian Devil
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Tasmanian Devil | ||||||||||
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Tasmanian devils are a species of evil meat-eating squirrels with sharp teeth bent on mayhem and destruction.
History[edit]
Tasmanian devils were created as the result of a Satanic-based cultist group's attempt to summon their master from the depths of hell and into Tasmanian colonies to eat the indigenous population. However, the hideous creature devoured most of the cult members and indiscriminately terrorized the land down under as it had hell.
After its capture, the creature was sent to an ACME laboratory in Tasmania to be dissected, studied, and put into gladiatorial combat with Emu's as blood sport for wealthy international businessmen. However the creature escaped and started its horrible rampage spinning across deserts like a dust devil, eating rocks and trees. Pretty soon the local Bunyip became extinct, which is why so few Australian school children are eaten nowadays and why there's so many smart aleck rabbits with Brooklyn accents all over the countryside.
Description[edit]
Tasmanian devils have jaws that take up their whole head. Their huge jaws contain lots of sharp teeth that allow them to eat wood and stone. Some specimens possess the strange ability to move around by spinning, creating miniature tornadoes that leave destruction in their wake. If you're being chased by a mini-tornado, it means that you're being chased by a Tasmanian devil and you're most likely going to die.
The average Tasmanian devil has a brain the size of a blueberry. This limits them to speaking almost exclusively in gibberish, despite that they are from Tasmania and not Gibberaltor. However, they are very short-tempered and have an insatiable craving for anything that contains meat, or can be spit out as a weapon.
Distribution and habitat[edit]
Most Tasmanian Devils live in the wooded areas of Tasmania and parts of Southern Australia, with the exception of the rare Canadian Tasmanian Devil which lives in southern Venezuela. Like the Drop Bear, the kangaroo, and the platypus, they have gained a status as one of the country's most ferocious top predators.
Diet[edit]
Tasmanian devils will eat anything they can find, though their main diet consists of meat pies, pizza, dolphins, horse fetuses, garbage, and especially rabbits. They may even eat you if you come too close. Usually, a Tasmanian devil will come after you, but you may have a chance to get away as long as it doesn't spin. Most Tasmanian devils die from heart attacks as a result of their hyperactiveness and over-eating.
Sometimes, Tasmanian devils will gather together to eat a carcass. Since they don't like sharing and they can't stand seeing each other in the vicinity, they will usually try to scare each other off with various ear-piercing screeches: hilarious, cute even, but kinda scary and grating at the same time. It just comes to show them as the little monsters they really are.
Tasmanian devil attacks[edit]
Tasmanian devils, inspite of their reputation, attack few people. Those they do attack are those people who jump into animal enclosures at the zoo in order to gain attention.
Tasmanian devil exorcism[edit]
Like most devils, Tasmanian devils can possess any random person who doesn't believe the existence of Christ. There are three signs to tell whether or not a person is possessed by a Tasmanian devil. The most obvious sign is that the person makes a series of weird growls and screams. Then the person would go hyper and start spinning around. If the person starts eating other people, your pet, or yourself, it means that you will have to call an exorcist.
Once the exorcist has arrived, expect that he bought an Aussie animal wrangler with him to help remove the animal from the body which it has eaten from the inside. The Tasmanian devil can be removed from the heart area as it the last part that it eats. Once the devil is properly removed, try reading Dr. Frankenstein's human repair instruction manual in order to bring its deceased half-eaten victim back to life.
How to survive a Tasmanian devil attack[edit]
If you run into a Tasmanian devil, you will probably die, unless you spray urine all over yourself, as its horrible stench of fear will keep Tasmanian devils away, be warned however that this smell will attract raptors with chainsaws.
See also[edit]
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