Speedy Gonzalez

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
The real-life Gonzáles (left) and his more well-known, animated caricature (right).

José Abelardo Quiñones "Speedy" González (April 22, 1914 – June 29, 1968) was an aviation pioneer in Peru and a national hero. He is posthumously commemorated on the Peruvian ten-sol banknote, and in the United States in thousands of children's cartoons. In addition, a principal thoroughfare in Lima is named Aviación in his honor.

Military career[edit]

González attained the rank of lieutenant in the Peruvian Air Force, which is unfortunately known by its Spanish initials, FAP. In the military, González gained intimate understanding of the NA-50 aircraft, and pioneered the application of military stunts to warfare, on the theory that the enemy would not shoot if you keep him entertained — a theory developed in the First World War by the German fighter ace Baron Von Richoften, until shot down by Snoop Doggyfight.

Strangely, at no time in this phase of his career was he known as "Speedy," as flying a biplane upside-down has effects on the craft's speed only slightly less disastrous than on its lift.

Peruvian-Ecuadorean war[edit]

The Peruvian–Ecuadorean war (which is known in Ecuador as the Ecuadorian–Peruvian war) broke out during July 1941. It was fought to clarify the exact border between the nations, a technique Peru employs with all its neighbors, and to settle several minor scores involving national pride.

Lt. González participated in a bombing raid at Quebrada Seca in which Ecuadorian gunners either were not entertained or did not hold their fire. His aircraft hit and disabled, González made the heroic decision to crash into the anti-aircraft battery, which would settle one big score involving personal pride permanently.

Unfortunately, flying upside-down does not lend itself to precise control of the aircraft, and González could do no better than to soft-land directly on top of the emplacement. However, the antics did settle the scores, as González always packed several six-packs of Pilsen in the cargo hold. There were brindis all around — "Chim pun, Callao!" — and his life was spared.


Young Mexicans such as Juan Escutia tried to imitate González, with less success owing to the failure to use aircraft.

Peace broke out and González was engaged as a commercial pilot over the states of Texas and Chihuahua, a field more crowded with less-well-identified participants than Citizens Band radio. In the summer of 1953, patrols of the U.S. Air Force were amused by his acrobatics and did hold their fire, until González obligingly crashed his plane in the Texas desert.

González was unable to pacify his captors — stocking only Corona beer, which is weak as piss — and he was sold into slavery at the tyrannical Warner Brothers film studio. His unattractive appearance and lack of facility with English, however, doomed his chances as a movie star. The studio made the decision to render González as an animated character. Studio executives meeting at a restaurant in Ciudad Juárez, Chihuahua elected to cast him as a mouse, based on observations made on-site. The decision on his nickname and gift of rapidity was never explained.

The short, animated features starring González were a commercial success, especially after the series was renamed Looney Tunes from its original title, Vermin Beneath the Floorboards. Audiences loved the caricatures of Mexicans as animals that were at the same time ethnically appropriate and impossibly attentive and fast.

Later years and death[edit]

After the end of Looney Tunes, González was deported back to Mexico. Unfortunately, like George Reeves (the original Superman), his associates and he himself harbored some confusion that he actually was the character he portrayed. González perished in 1968 from claw-marks left in a fight with a large cat.


The reverse of the Peruvian S/.10 banknote commemorates "Speedy" González, as he shows campesinos how to crop-dust without special attachments, by simply strapping an opened bag of weed-killer into the passenger seat.

The animated shorts were continuously aired on television until the era of Political Correctness in the United States, in which it became unthinkable to make fun of Mexicans. In 1999, the Cartoon Network ceased to air the features. However, the League of United Wetbacks protested that they enjoyed the stereotypes, and had somewhat better success than actual Indians have insisting to the NCAA that they are honored that college teams are called the Mohawks and such. The Cartoon Network brought González back to TV, but preceded by a lengthy disclaimer:

The cartoons you are about to see are products of their time. They may depict some of the prejudices that were commonplace. These depictions were wrong then and are wrong today. WB is sorry these cartoons were ever made, and would like to also apologize for Negro slavery and the invention of the automobile. Parents should blindfold children under 26 so they do not see these horrible stereotypes. However, these cartoons are being presented as they were originally created, because to do otherwise would be to claim these prejudices never existed. This would make it harder for you to feel bad about your country, and much harder for us to interrupt them with lucrative, four-minute commercial breaks selling breakfast cereal.

Curiously, south of the United States border, audiences love the stereotypes and are oblivious to their offensiveness. That's simply why we need foreign aid. Most of them also believe that Looney Tunes is a current series and are hoping it wins film awards at the end of the year.

See also[edit]