TOM

The TOM robot displays his best "ahegao."

TOM is a robot, the host of Toonami, and the creator of MySpace. He is commonly accused of ripping off Master Chief, even though he predates him by a year. His companion is an Artificial Intelligence named Sara, who wants to destroy all organic life.

History

TOM 1

TOM was "born" in 1999 as a big, dumb bean robot. He was chosen by Space Ghost to host Toonami after its former host, Moltar was caught using opioids on air. With low intelligence (like Apache Chief before he was fired from the Super Friends) TOM just sat around his ship, the Absolution, playing Sonic Adventure and watching ReBoot all day, sometimes making fun of baby shows like Teletubbies. Eventually, the ship's AI Sara got so annoyed with TOM's lolly-gagging that she turned herself on and demanded him to get to some actual work. TOM refused, and a day later, he got swallowed by a drug monster called the Intruder. Truly an old wives' tale.

TOM 2

TOM was reincarnated into a second, less fat body. Slimmer and sleeker, TOM 2 as he was called disposed of the Intruder by blowing up part of the Absolution, then not wanting to be grounded and miss Koron's pool party that Saturday, called Starport to make repairs to the ship. A while later, TOM was bitten by a radioactive spider and granted the power to do anything a spider can. He also grooved to teen pop like the Spice Girls, Backstreet Boys, and Green Day, and listened to this Jesus freak band named Mary Mary even though robots don't believe in religion.

After an incident in 2001 involving a tractor beam and viewer-controlled drones that nobody remembers, TOM got sued by Microsoft, because they thought he ripped off their new hero Master Chief. TOM hired Dr Nightmare (ATTORNEY AT LAW!!) who was back from the dead, and together they won the case by reminding that Halo was still in development when TOM debuted.

In 2002, the Absolution was infected by a sentient computer virus named Swayzak while in hyperspace. Because Swayzak only did it for fun, TOM had to go into the computer systems and make waste of him by use of his Spider Sense and a virtual ship. TOM thought he'd defeated Swayzak, but as a final stand, Swayzak infected the robot and turned him into Aggressive SpongeBob 2.0. Now an evil surfer dude, TOM spent his time ruining everyone's day at the beach. However, Sara decided it was time to change him back to normal, and inspired by her endosomatophilia, went inside TOM to fight Swayzak, after which Swayzak died a Disney Death and was absorbed into a microchip. Even then, Sara felt a strange attraction to Swayzak, and broke him out so they could start dating. Years later, the makers of Miraculous Ladybug thought the fight between Sara and Swayzak inside TOM would be good to reference in their show; thus, we got Polymouse fighting Maledictator inside of Max... who is a PRETEEN!! (The guys Toonami sexualizes are all in their late teens and twenties. DISCLAIMER!!)

TOM later died yet again at the hands of a derpy space pirate Squidward named Orcelot Rex (no relation to Revolver Ocelot), who had captured Sara and blown up the Absolution. When TOM pursued Orcelot, he was too captured and Orcelot intended to do to him what Aquaman did to Black Manta in the Challenge of the Super Friends opening sequence. TOM refused, and he was electrocuted like he was Knuckles the Echidna in Hidden Palace Zone. After this happened, everyone in Toonami's target audience stopped watching the block.

TOM 3

TOM was rebuilt by some aliens called the Dronomeks and given a fork to defeat Orcelot Rex with. Orcelot's last words were "HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT FORK?!" and agonized screaming. The Dronomeks also rebuilt the Absolution, where TOM could resume broadcasting his crappy Chinese cartoons. After this, TOM stopped going on adventures in order to finish college, but his college life was never shown on TV. Now dubbed TOM 3, TOM resembled Cyborg from the Teen Titans and did RADICAL shit like lifting weights. TOM was the laziest student in his college, yet he still got good grades because he somehow paid attention. However, he would also come down with jock itch due to his weightlifting obsession, leading for Sara to get horny (when she wasn't thinking about Swayzak.) TOM, Space Ghost, and Birdman would often go to the carnival while on acid or to White Castle after they'd smoked weed. TOM also arrived at the ship very late, much to Sara's annoyance. During this time, TOM also invented MySpace, the site where cringey emo teenagers listened to goth rock and creepy guys tried to pick up 10 year old boys.

In November 2003, TOM got bitchslapped by a sexy green-skinned space dude named Velo of Velocitus. Velo told him he'd never "gotten chased down by a band of singers in a forest." TOM didn't care, as he himself would dance on the tables at school because of the bass in his music. Little did he know that Velo was lending his voice to an ugly caricature of himself in a Crash Bandicoot game during that time.

In 2004, Sara gave herself a sexy new look, because she'd always wanted to make herself the star. The show also moved to the Saturday night hot slot to accommodate this. Sara even reviewed a game called Rez with only herself (aside from a cameo by Swayzak, whom she had married by then), but she eventually dismissed the idea. In 2007, Sara and TOM had a falling out over TOM's stupidity, which ended with Sara abandoning TOM for a life with Swayzak.

TOM 4

Lost in depression, TOM got a makeover that made him look like Thomas the Choo-Choo Train and found two gay friends named Flash and D (the latter named so because he wanted TOM's D.) TOM 4, as he now went by, broadcasted with his buddies from a planet named Flowus 3 that looked like someone's Coconut Fred fanfiction. He also became scared of cars, and not just British taxis. Eventually, TOM 4 suffered a mental breakdown and decided to end Toonami. During his disappearance from Cartoon Network, TOM watched as his unholy monster MySpace dwindled in popularity, being replaced by Jesse Eisenberg's brainchild Facebook and the social media empire YouTube. This made him become even more insane than he already was, and he eventually snapped and tried to kill Flash and D, who did nothing wrong to him whatsoever, except maybe showing him that video of 2 girls and a cup. TOM then became wanted for attempted murder, but managed to evade the police.

TOM 3.5

TOM recovered his wits in 2012 and decided to return to how he was right before he fell into depression. He got his muscles back and got a new paint of chrome. Returning to the Absolution, TOM broadcasted solo, because he wanted to show people he wasn't funny and just stupid. During this time, he also found a girlfriend, Princess Bubblegum of the Candy Kingdom, who had rejected her admirer Finn the Human on the grounds that he was too young. The two mixed well together, because they are both strong, smart, and forget that; we don't even know. Because of his interest in teen pop music, TOM joined the boy band CN Absolution Direction along with the after-mentioned Finn the Human, Rex Salazar, Ben Tennyson, Kevin Levin, Lance Lunis, and Ian Isberto. TOM was the oldest member out of all of them. In 2013, TOM got a phone call from someone claiming to be Sara, who wanted to know if he was doing well and if he wanted her to return to the Absolution. TOM immediately said yes. LITTLE DID HE KNOW...

TOM 5

Sara gave TOM a new look, which made him look leaner and gave him a set of "angry eyes" (as Mrs. Potato Head would call it.) "Sara" was actually a head on a screen, whereas the actual Sara still has a body. TOM 5 was the smartest out of all his incarnations, offering sage advice like a sexy grandpa would. Two new boys joined CN Absolution Direction, too - Steven Universe and Prince Hiro. Also during this time, TOM purchased Madonna's Rebel Heart album and became obsessed with the 57 year old trying to act like a cheer squad sorority girl, crying himself to sleep over the fact that "Bitch I'm Madonna" only peaked at #84 on the Billboard Hot 100.

TOM and Sara were not ready for the unexpected return of the drug monster the Intruder, which was back for revenge, killed fake Sara, and wanted to perform a FU...SION... HA! with TOM. TOM said "FUCK YOU! I AIIIIIIN'T HAVIN' THAT SHIT," blew up his ship again, and got Sara back. They escaped to dust bowl Shogo 162, where they received a garbled transmission from Moltar who said he was returning to his home planet (but in reality, he was getting a job at the Southeastern Pennsylvania Transportation Authority.) They were forced to evacuate Shogo 162 a year later when they were attacked by an Alaskan Bull Worm and discovered the planet was going to explode. Sara updated herself into a new kawaii-looking body so she could further steal the real Sara's identity and the duo escaped the planet with their base-turned-ship, the Vindication. They also stole one of the baby worms from the planet, which they dubbed "Georgia" even though it wasn't a girl, sort of like how Johnny Cash's dad named him "Sue." Also during this time, TOM got into JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, because the only good Toonami stories are even weirder than that.

The Countdown Incident

(The following massive description parodies the event Countdown. If you didn't see it, then you didn't miss much. Of course, this won't be very good, either.)

In 2017, Sara revealed her true self when she died by a nebula, which really should've been censored with how graphic it was. All this time, this Sara had really been an evil Taylor Swift ghost wanting to destroy all organic life for no reason (clearly Norm of the North levels of stupidity), who called herself "Vindication" (Brendan Fletcher works for Splash Entertainment), acted like Doom from Fant4stic, and was a child predator; this upset many, many people attracted to evil male robots as it wasn't TOM who became evil (unlike what had happened in 2002.) TOM had to go Back to the Future to tell his past self Sara is an idiot. The past TOM didn't listen, and Sara somehow became good at the end of it all, when in reality, it was a cover-up; she was unfazed, and SHE IS STILL OUT FOR BLOOD. After Look At This Fucking Hipster covered the writer of that incident (Donald Trump himself, who thought Toonami didn't go "Bing"), TOM got into the Korean girl group Blackpink, joining The Flash in being K-Pop trash.

Death

TOM 5 met his end when he found out he was the son of a Star Wars alien ripoff nicknamed Booger, who never paid child support for his kid because he can't even hide his gut, just like his cousin Tansit. When Sara admitted to finding our robot host in a roadside ditch in 1992 and adopting him to hopefully conquer the world because she's EVIL, Booger choked TOM to make the fangirls go wild, then shot him like a certain National Lampoon cover.

TOM 6

Sara blew up Booger since he is organic life, and updated TOM into TOM 6 in order to console him. Sadly, Sara wasn't the Vindication anymore, because Jason DeMarco wanted to hide her evilness. So they stayed on Booger's illegal hideout in a storage closet at the Metreon in San Francisco, until they found the Absolution and killed Sara 1. This means Swayzak will never come back and Toonami is shit nowadays. Sara still screams at TOM for losing the Vindication, because she is the ship and hasn't completed her genocidal quest, yet. Radicles joined CN Absolution Direction around this time.

Later, Sara got kidnapped by space pirates and TOM got blown up... AGAIN, but this time in Wapanese style. TOM joined a band of space samurais including a Japanese-Filipina named Minami Kousaka, Dex-Starr, and two weirdos who spend their time jacking off to Leopard/Doronjo. TOM located the rare 2012 BattleFBA Courage the Cowardly Dog plush, which was needed to destroy the Big Bad, a slug fucker who only Manda-Tee would find attractive. Despite it being another TOM misadventure, it was promoted as being non-canonical, like another TOM story from earlier on in the lore. Then it happened AGAIN.

How bad is Future Sara?

“SARA IS THE VINDICATION, SHE WILL DESTROY ALL ORGANIC LIFE!”

~ Toonami, nowadays.

• She is an attempt to cash in on the "all evil AI are female" fad that will NEVER die
• They pretend she never happened
• She is an insult to Swayzak and evil TOM 2 (even trying to LOOK like the former even if Jason lies her TIE wasn't related to anything else)
• She is the female Infinite, who should never have a female incarnation
  • Adding to this, Sega made a character called "The End" in Sonic Frontiers who has more or less the same backstory as her
• She suffers from "evil Superman" syndrome: powerful character becomes evil because they HAVE to be evil, right?!?! Eat fucking shit. Sara should use her powers for good.
• This was going to be Toonami's 21st anniversary if TOM wasn't such a retard
• Brendan Fletcher writes Batgirl, which is about a strong female protagonist, yet when he writes a female AI, she automatically becomes evil
• Someone on YouTube found her sexy, even though she once broadcasted that Burger King banned Pokéballs because some dumb kid choked on them
• They can't decide how she became evil: they BEG you to believe an ALieN inTEllIGenCE possessed her, yet they show her struck by lightning in Episode 2, WHICH WAS SCARY AS FUCK!!
• They still won't bring back Swayzak, because in the very next TIE, they introduce the ugliest character Toonami has ever shown and the very antithesis to our favourite computer virus. (It is unknown if Future Sara is technically worse, because at least she's female.)
• Chad Ghostal hates her.
• Metal Sonic didn't even approve of her, and he gets sent death threats by her like he's DanTDM and she's KSI.

DCAU Brainiac, please come back like Jesus Christ!