The Witcher

Polish Witcher, American Witcher, and British Witcher

“Mumble...mumble...monsters..”

~ Geralt of Rivia

The Witcher is short story series/fantasy book series/role-playing game/Netflix television series. It is set a time period of Medieval knights, monsters, fantastical beings and a lot of magic. If you can imagine a mix of Conan the Barbarian, Game of Thrones and the legends of King Arthur then you will be getting close to what this series is about. Think also of Monty Python and the Holy Grail and a dash of Harry Potter then you would have the formula.

A book series for the really dedicated.

The author of The Witcher is Andrzej Sapkowski (born 1948). He is a Polish-born writer who started his Witcher short stories in the 1980s. This was followed by books in the 1990s, which took almost as long to finish as George R. R. Martin's A Game of Thrones, not ending until 2013. It took even longer for them to be translated into English. Some wish he hadn't bothered.

What is a Witcher?

Every day is a bad hair day.

A witcher is essentially a male witch or warlock with the yellow eyes of a cat. He hsd some magic tricks but normally prefers to express himself with his sword(s). Witchers don't like to talk too much and physically look like Arnold Schwarzenegger's son. Except a witcher is also a 'mutant' and sterile as a jackass. So no physically junior witchers via having one as your daddy. Their task is to act as itinerant 'pest control'. Witchers kill nasty beasties and vampires for money. After finishing the mission, the witcher retires to a hot tub with a prostitute or a buxom serving wench. The next day a witcher heads off to a new town to see if they can be hired for a fresh task. A witcher is a sword for hire, like a Western bladeslinger.

However, we learn that witchers are treated badly by the locals, especially those that live in the big cities. The one we largely follow is a witcher called Geralt of Rivia. He is scarred like a gladiator with deep cuts and bite marks he carries as souvenirs from his various foes. Witchers are supposed to be bred to have no empathy or remorse for what they do. To help them go gain extra strength or other attributes witchers are addicted to liquer bottles filled with herbal tea. This turns their eyes black and a huge circles around them as if they had been on amphetamines for the previous 48 hours.

Witchers are only supposed to kill non-Humans but have in the past got mixed up into other battles. Geralt is particularly feared but his skills at killing can command big rewards from magicians and monarchs keen to use his services. He will work with anyone if the purse is large enough but draws the line (usually) at killing people unless in self defence.

Other main characters

Yennefer perfecting her witchy looks. Broomstick is at the menders.

Geralt forms a loose alliance with his favourite witch, a dark-heared sourceress called Yennefer (no relation to Bennifer). In the books and games they form a tempestuous relationship. She is a powerful magician so Geralt has to take care he isn't turned into a toad by Yennifer if she 'has one' and flies in a temper. She is of course beautiful, smells of lilac and gooseberries (Gooseberry No. 5) but like Geralt her road to becoming a witch meant she lost the ability to have children. This has the advantage that they can have loads of free sex without taking precautions but her inability to become a mum gnaws at Yennefer's heart.

Also lurking around is a foolish and vain balladeer called Dandelion. He acts like that friend you wished you had never become acquainted by. Dandelion sings songs praising Geralt's career which in turn leads to both of them gaining a higher recognition factor throughout the lands. Dandelion (what a hippy name!) gets into plenty of trouble but always manages to get away with it.

Ciri has her own bad hair day.

Finally there is Princess Cirilla Fiona Elen Riannon of Cintra. Otherwise known as Ciri the tomboy, an ashen grey haired teenager with Kermit-green eyes. Her twin sister works for Apple as their annoying robotic on-line advisor. Ciri is protected by Geralt after he won her in a raffle in Cintra. Technically it is called the 'Law of Surprise! Surprise!!' in honour of Cilla Black's catchphrase on Blind Date. In effect Geralt is her fairy Godfather/mentor as a quid quo pro for a favour rendered. When Ciri's homeland is invaded and destroyed, she escapes alone. She eventually meets Geralt and he takes her the old Witcher training camp at Kaer Morhen for safety. Everyone thinks Ciri is very special. She has some pointy eared Elves ancestry in her family tree. What does this mean? Not more bloody rings or trinkets with quests attached?? Nope, it is more basic than that. Ciri has magical red corpsucles, she is Destiny's Child, and Jay-Z writes her songs.

The World of Sapkowski

Witch-Works-by-Sea.

Fantasy worlds often have maps or descriptions of what a reader can expect to discover reading. The classic examples are the Narnia stories, Lord of the Rings, and Game of Thrones. Sapkowski wasn't too bothered and for some years geographical locations were vague until fans created their own. It had a west coast with the north being cold and the south warm. The east was just a blank. It was a landscape with a number of rivers dividing the territory with a mountain range to the east and deserts in the south. There was a specific 'time line' 1100s to the 1200s to match an era of European history. So we have emperors, kings, dukes and a lot of heraldry. It is a world of plate armour and bows and arrows. Gunpowder is known only to the magician class who can also teleport across this world at more or less will. They also live a lot longer than the common or garden humans.

The main theme of the books are the expansion of the Nilfgardian Empire northwards and prophesies. Whether the 'Nilfs' love the 'Milfs' is not clear. The humans are depicted as a shitty bunch. They all resent having the magician class in such a dominant position. Every court it seems needs to have its in-house sorcerer, they are a bit like the Christian church hierarchy but with better pointy hats. The various predictions of doom and the mysterious sky riders who gallop across the sky but are also drop in now and again to give the peasantry the willies. The Elves apparently know a lot more but you have to speak or read their language to learn more.

Geralt wrestles with Billy Goat Gruff.

The mention of Elves earlier also means The Witcher world has other fantasy figures like Dwarves, Haflings, Sea nymphs and Gnomes. The latter are a bit rare as on account of humans hunting them as trophies for garden features. One of the most powerful creatures are - or rather were - Unicorns. They are able to transverse both time, space and other planets. For Sapkowski's main world has been 'invaded' by newcomers through the ages coming via portals. The Elves were first to make their home there but have over time been supplanted, murdered or exiled to more distant places. Some have managed to stay in the human world but are always on the look out for possible persecutions and pogroms.

The Books

The author with his egg timer collection.

Sapkowski's Witcher books now number eight. Five make up the main collection focused on a 12 year old princess called Ciri. However, there is a prequel to how she met Geralt officially and two others which feature other sorcerers and their misdeeds. Spoiler alert. Everyone dies including the reader of these tomes.

The titles were initially popular in Polish but took awhile to get English translations. Perhaps the already existence of partially completed Game of Thrones and the gargantuan 15 volume The Wheel of Time by American authors Robert Jordan and Brandon Sanderson occupied most of the shelving allocated to fantasy literature in book shops. Sapkowski's works would appear to struggle in this but the word got out: everyone was getting their end away in The Witcher books.

Polish version

No expense spared here in the Polish version as none of it is shown on camera.

The book series was complete enough to be made into Polish TV series whose title translates as Hexen. This came out in the early 2000s. It had cheap special effects and awful acting. A bit like Doctor Who on a very bad day.

The makers of the show tried to cut their losses by making a film from the various episodes. This just made it even more of a dud. That seemed to be it. Yet the books were still selling well enough.

The story format did appeal to one group: heavy-duty gamers. They would have a role playing game version. The rights were snapped up. Then it was to start work in Poland with a lot of local talent and motion capture camera work could save on animation costs.

Game version

More foreplay than gameplay.

The first Witcher game released by the Polish video game company CD Projekt Red in 2007. In quality compared to the competition it looked a bit clunky but players said they liked the overall 'look'. Geralt-Yennefer-Ciri story a few years after the books finished. This required some story reconstruction. Remember the spoiler warning?

This RPG was being made in Poland and was looking at the wider European market, the gamers added some sex scenes. Your hero could go on a quest but could also choose to be shagged senseless by a female magician with perfect perky breasts . At least in the first games there was a few full frontals as well. This helped to make playing The Witcher game a rite of sexual passage for quite a lot of gamers.

In this game you need to converse with other characters, the Witcher has an American actor voicing Geralt. He sounds like he is struggling with acute laryngitis. Most of the other voices are BBC English (RADA trained), English (regional) and Scottish for the Dwarves. The Elves speak as if they're about to break into poetry when they interact.

The voice for Yennefer was supplied by an Irish actress who could switch between a languid English accent and then provide a more softer Irish one for other characters. Her precise diction and game look seemed to owe a lot to the French actress Eva Green.

One person who liked to chill out with the Witcher games was the British actor Henry Cavill. This muscular actor had already played Superman. Why not the Geralt? He had the broad chest to play a hero.

Netflix version

Ciri's grandmother. Queen Caliper.

The success of Game of Thrones on HBO and the resultant fuss encouraged other TV networks to look for other filmable book series. Netflix outbid rivals to get hold of the rights. They had some advantages. At least the author Sapkowski had finished the main series (spoiler alert: Nearly everyone dies). This compared to HBO's experience with Game of Thrones which remains unfinished as the author Martin has yet to get to his finale. That show's writing team had to make up their own stuff which was essentially crap. Netflix would have no excuse in that particular department.

The response to The Witcher on Netflix has seen the usual battles between the book purists and those trying to carve out a coherent story to film. In addition, there is the Gamer community who were hoping to see something like that spent hours/days playing at home alone or on-line. They want more adventures and steamy tub scenes with the witcher and his various love interests.

Casting

"We are racially diverse. These women are my adopted daughters."

In the books (at least in the English translations) there are physical descriptions of characters. Geralt wears his hair like a heavy metal band roadie. He is called the 'White Wolf' by friends and enemies and wears a magic medallion with a wolf's head inscription. This buzzes like an unanswered cellphone call to warn of danger. Ciri has green eyes that sparkle like a cat if you tread on her tail whilst Yennefer likes to wear clothing dyed in black or white. Another character is described as having freckled skin but that is about it.

Because the stories are obviously from a Polish/Eastern European background, critics were expecting the cast would reflect that. However, as The Witcher world is fantasy-fictional the Netflix show runners encouraged to find diverse cast. The actress playing Yennefer is from a mixed Indian-Italian background and another main witch character is black British. These details upset those who had grown up with fantasies about bedding a very pale white Yennefer in the game play.

The show does have a variety of English accents from outside the British Commonwealth from places like Denmark and Sweden. About the only English accent yet to appear is American. Why this so may be an old prejudice that American actors in medieval-style armour is somehow ridiculous. That may change in future episodes.

Series so far

"Whose turn to boil the frogs in the kettle?"

So far two series of The Witcher have been broadcast. However, there is another Witcher-related series (also from Netflix) coming out in 2022. This will from a time long before the main story. It will be a world of Elves and such like. In the books there are plenty of references and descriptions of ruins of a previous history on the continent but no book set in that time. What is known about this Witcher series it is that it will feature a Malaysian actress Michelle Yeoh in one of her typical kick-ass roles.

Will it go Tits up like Game of Thrones?

"Don't leave me looking like an arse Netflix."

This will always be a possibility. So far the show has gained more positive feedback than negative as the fans of the TV shows will in time outnumber the book readers/game players.

Sapkowski for his part seems quite happy on what has been done so far. He visited the tv sets and generally hung around looking like a fan rather than the author. Sapkowski remains on board with the adaptation.

There is always Series 3 to come up. May be he will change his mind.

Conclusion

Yennefer, Ciri, and Geralt. Life on Mars?

The Witcher is up against some stiff competition. At the same time as it is going out, Amazon have their new fantasy baby Wheelies of Too Much Time on Our Hands and a Lord of the Rings: Rings of Power and Merchandising prequel to push. This means The Witcher will have a fight on its hands!

Time to open the drug chest and down a few medical elixirs!

References

The two Yennefers: Game version and Netflix model.