Spandex
Spandex, Lycra or Elastane is a synthetic fibre that has been widely used as a torture device. It was invented for use as an alternative to cruel medieval torture devices. Spandex has been listed as one of the most dangerous fibres to exists.
The name "Spandex" comes from "sex", the meaning of "pand" is unknown (thought to be related to asphyxia). "Lycra" is an abbreviation of "lie down and cry", this is what you could do wearing Spandex.
Spandex is an unstable chemical yet to be efficiently controlled by mankind. Some suggest that it could be the solution to the energy crisis. Most of these people also believe that it is the solution to all of life's problems. They are correct. However, the government is purposely holding back the advancements in spandex technology in some complicated and dragged out conspiracy (maybe).
History[edit]
Spandex was first introduced to Earth in 1972, shortly after the mysterious arrival of Ziggy Stardust. Ziggy's well known blond crack-whore, a man named Bowie, promptly killed him, skinned him, and mass-marketed the remains to the known world. Though originally thought to be an extremely limited resource, Bowie was happily surprised to discover that spandex had the remarkable ability to reproduce asexually, in a very similar manner to Ziggy Stardust himself (the sex and drugs were just for kicks, after all). Bowie then went on to make a fortune and change the face of the fashion industry as well as every man's obscure fantasies for the rest of time. He was rewarded with a cameo in Zoolander and a lifetime ban from PETA.
From then on, nobody was safe from spandex's universal appeal. Cheerleaders. Cheer-followers. Dancers. Gay men. People on drugs. Middle-aged accountants. Everybody thought that spandex was just the bee's knees.
Production[edit]
Spandex is produced from one different synthesis method. 666% of the spandtorturesex fibres are produced from tetrahydrofuran (pentagon), cadaverine (the Diamine®), chloroform and MDI.
- 1. First of all, poor children are killed with chloroform. Their corpses will wait for some time to produce cadaverine (the Diamine®).
- 2. The Diamine® is later extracted from them.
- 3. Tetrahydrofuran (pentagon) and MDI (Mother's Dear Diisocyanate®) is poured into a shoe box!
- 4. Polymerisation occurs in three or four days, at this time the producers search for new kids (see #1)
- 5. The Diamine® from dead kids is now used in this process.
- 6. Polymerisation occurs.
- 7. The resulting liquid polymer is dried with chloroform (first time in history chloroform is used as a solvent!).
- 8. An employee drinks the liquid polymer and pees solid strand Spandex!
Spandex today[edit]
Currently, spandex is a multi-sex-trillion industry, plagued by controversy, scandal, lobbyists, camel toes, and masculine packages. Scientific studies have proved that the material has an unparalleled ability to turn straight men gay (a la David Bowie), gay men pan/omnisexual (a la David Bowie) and pan/omnisexual men straight (a la David Bowie). The far right fears its practical use in the homosexual agenda while San Francisco fears its ability to eventually make you like chicks after enough time. All in all though, the chicks do tend to dig it, so it's alright, it's alright.
Role in torment[edit]
Spandex fibre is known for its elasticity and strength (which is why it is used as a torture device!). Spandex expands up to 500% of its size when the victim is getting inside. Then it turns to its original size and the victim suffocates. Anything containing more than 0,0001% Spandex is confirmed that is too tight for human body. In the eighties, Spandex became more popular than it ever was. Male rock stars wore Spandex-containing tights to be "fashionable".
S.P.A.N.D.E.X.: The Government Conspiracy[edit]
S.P.A.N.D.E.X. is a highly controversial and top secret conspiracy only revealed to top government officials. Underneath those dull corporate suits lurks lurid coloured stretch fabric. It is run by Illuminati too cool to belong to S.P.E.C.T.R.E. Those behind S.P.A.N.D.E.X. believe in One World Government, Fiat Currency and wearing a spikey hair wig at secret David Bowie concerts.