Ziggy Stardust
“He took it all too far, but boy could he play guitar...”
Ziggy Stardust (312 BC - 3rd July 1973) is best known as the first extraterrestrial to visit Earth and form a rock'n'roll band (it is well-known that the very first visitors were the Japanese, who took up permanent residence). He came originally from the Canals of Mars, bringing with him Martian Spiders, platform shoes, the mullet hairstyle, and 789 new ways to suck cock. Each of these were introduced to and briefly embraced by the Earthlings (minus several of the cock-sucking techniques, which are impossible to perform with out the aid of a second tongue).
Ziggy achieved superstardom with the help of a scrawny, blonde teenage crackwhore (David Bowie) whom he rescued from the streets of London in 1972. The lad helped him learn to fit in better with human society, and in turn Ziggy taught David the techniques of mind-control, which helped David launch a very successful music career after Ziggy's death, despite his whiny, high-pitched voice and disturbing fascination with leiderhosen.
Arrival[edit]
It is believed that Ziggy travelled to earth with the Spiders from Mars, although the Spiders later denied this.
Influence[edit]
Ziggy Stardust has influenced almost everything, from Placebo to that 500-year-old pair of sneakers on the telephone wires outside. If you were to take those sneakers down and listen very carefully to them with a stethoscope, you would probably hear something rather like a red-haired fag trying to suck off an electric guitar. For reasons unexplained, scientists have determined that every object created after Ziggy's first guitar-fellatio all resonate with this sound. It is theorised that Ziggy's body was housing a gigantic electromagnetic field that was activated by electricity from the guitar shooting through his tongue.
Suspicious Death[edit]
Though Ziggy's death was what appeared to be your typical pantyhose-strangulation-suicide, some suspect that David Bowie may have actually murdered him, however, evidence from Bowie's lyrics points to a third party: "When the kids had killed the man I had to break up the band.", which busts this case wide open, with Bowie and the Spiders From Mars the main suspects. When questioned about the incident, all Bowie had to say was "What? This isn't blood-stained pantyhose... it's a menstruating jellyfish! Don't embarrass her!" He then snatched the article in question and stuffed it down his pants (an annoying habit he keeps to this day).
Discography[edit]
Ziggy's record output prior to coming to Earth is a difficult research topic, but our finest sources have provided us with the following list:
"Here's Ziggy Stardust!" - 910,909,200 B.C.
"Here He Is Again!" - 900,000,000 B.C.
"Once Again, Ziggy Stardust (We Need Money... BAD!)" - 899,909,005 B.C.
"Songs For Xenu" - 899,909,000 B.C. A tribute to Scientologists misconception of God. Ziggy wasn't a fan of Xenu and even though the album seems to be a tribute to him, if played backwards the album repeats "Xenu is a fucking moron!" 102 times
"Mein Kampf" - 100 B.C. (recorded in Xenu's galactic prison from 899,909,000 to 101 B.C. No affiliation with Hitler's magnum opus)
"All The Different Things I Like To Have Sex With" - 98 B.C. (a tribute to Ziggy's fans)
"Destroy All Humans" - 50 B.C. (battle march anthem album written for the war against humanity set to start at the birth of Christ. The plan went a little off course. Instead of a single splode beam set to decimate ten trillion square miles of planet, the settings were accidentally made for ten trillion splode beams to decimate a single square mile of planet. That one square mile was Atlantis. The people of Atlantis we're aptly pwned)
"Oops" - 10 A.D. (Requiem for the above described incident
- After the destruction of Atlantis, due to bureaucratic ease, Xenu thought it best to blame the whole thing on Ziggy and banished him to Earth five years before he promised to destroy it "for real this time"
"The Rise And Fall Of Ziggy Stardust And The Spiders From Mars" - 1972 A.D. (historical document of Ziggy's time on Earth. It was his his first and last album made on Earth.)
Aftermath[edit]
Xenu forgot to destroy the Earth as he promised in 1978 because he realized the possibilities in the moronic earthlings. Using his mind-slave L. Ron Hubbard he spawned a plan to make earth his "bitch". No one knows who the hell the Spiders From Mars are or what the hell happened to them. It has been confirmed that they were neither spiders, nor were they from Mars. Others say he went crazy from "making love with his ego" and getting "sucked up into his mind" rendering him into a state Bowie said was "like a leper messiah". Fortunately this all ended "when the kids had killed the man" and "they had to break up the band". On his tombstone in an undisclosed location, it reads : "Ziggy plaaaaayed guitaaaaaaaaaaaar".