Chauvinist Wednesday

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Hello darling lets talk about the weather. The weather you will be sucking us off tonight...

“Why Aren't you Sucking my Cock?”

~ Myself to Girlfriend

“I'm busy”

~ Girlfriend

“Well you'd better be in the kitchen getting my beer”

~ Myself to Girlfriend

Chauvinist Wednesday is a holiday. Many people (mostly females) object to this holiday, calling it "unfair", "sexist" and even, shockingly enough, "chauvinist". For shame. Yet what they cannot fail to do is acknowledge its existence. For exist it does. And it's pretty damned fun (if you're a guy).


Various holidays have histories that are grand, long, and take an extremely long time to read. This one doesn't, because not a single person down at the pub that day remembers how it happened. The current theory much in vogue runs something along these lines: 1) men gathered, 2) sexist jokes were made, 3) laughter was had, 4) I decided to make a holiday called "Chauvinist Wednesday" on the second Wednesday of every month. I said some incredibly sexist stuff, and the tradition was born.

One radical school of thought claims that a Wednesday was probably involved somewhere.

"Chauvinist Wednesday"[edit]

Alls fine ladies, don't worry! It's Wednesday...

The rules of Chauvinist Wednesday are simple.

The first rule of Chauvinist Wednesday is you don't talk about Chauvinist Wednesday. This rule speaks, or rather does not speak, for itself. This rule is mainly employed simply because many people around the globe already acknowledge the existence of Chauvinist Wednesday in dignified, wise silence. If they remain unaware, then they haven't been on this website, and therefore haven't really lived.

The second rule of Chauvinist Wednesday is you don't talk about Chauvinist Wednesday. This rule was made because the disciples of Chauvinist Wednesday reserve the right to talk like Brad Pitt (many of us look like him, and several of us are, in fact, him).

The third rule of Chauvinist Wednesday is that women must be servile. And silent. And always wrong. For the entire day. It's kind of fun. If a woman therefore talks during Chauvinist Wednesday, claims that she is right, or doesn't do something for a man when asked, or even when she is not asked, then she has broken this rule. She will be tarred, feathered, and told to get back in the kitchen. (NB. In various cultures, such as Birmingham, Sunderland and Glasgow, the breaking of the rules by a woman is a firing-into-the-sun-worthy offence. Unfortunately, there is no space transportation in any of those places, so the rule is a bit of a puzzler).

The fourth of the three rules of Chauvinist Wednesday is that a sandwich can be demanded at any time, by anyone, from any woman. This in no way guarantees success or acquisition of intercourse, but it's only a matter of time and probability, right?


Chauvinist Moment Of the Whenever[edit]

Someone actually having the pure, blind-to-the-consequences courage to show this page to his girlfriend. The one man who has made such a great stride in this Darwin-esque endeavour is, at this very moment, missing, and has been for quite some time. Various theories are currently being discussed and evaluated; it is quite possible he is hiding in the Vatican.