Ken Barlow
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“Mmmm, such a wild stallion!”
| Kenneth William Bartender Olive Sudsulike Irregular Periods Barlow | |
|---|---|
 | |
| Born | 149th Alango, 398877 Where There Be Beasties |
| Nationality | Dull |
| Religion | The Almighty Vagina |
| Spouse | Deirdre Barlow |
| Children | Tracy Barlow, Gary Barlow, Saddam Hussein |
Ken "The Meatball" Barlow was born in 1874 as Kenneth William Bartender Olive Barlow to two librarians. He is the oldest cast member of Stereotypical Northern Docudrama 'Coronation Street' and is currently 7th in the 'Worlds Richest Men' list. He is tipped to replace David Cameron as British Prime Minister when he resigns.
Childhood[edit]
Barlow enjoyed childhood so much that he stayed four years old for over three decades, just to avoid going to school. Eventually, however, he found himself in the back row of class 2P. He quickly picked up the schoolboy slang and soon started using words such as poo, bugger, and erogenous zone. His slightly pervy teacher did not discourage his newfound talent, and within two years Barlow had become Regional Swearing Champion.
Regarded as a hero by his teachers and fellow pupils, Barlow soon let the adulation go to his head, becoming insanely egotistical and arrogant. He started a gang called 'Barlow's Bunch' and spent lunchtimes rolling foreign students for dinner money and Beano comics. He was married aged seven in the world's first civil ceremony, but they divorced. He eventually lost to the world's most famous conker player, Victor Meldrew.
Teen Life and World Domination[edit]
Barlow's gang grew and pretty soon every one in the UK knew of him or had lost a family member to him. Racketeering and prostitution funded his now wild cocaine and LSD habits as he overthrew the UK government and placed himself in charge.
On his 13th birthday he developed a spot on the end of his nose and was so embarrassed by this that he ran crying to his bedroom where he stayed, head under pillow, for 17 years. When he emerged he had been completely forgotten by his gang and country and, even worse, he discovered that he had been cast in a new show to be called 'Fuckin' Northern' Bastaads!'
Kenneth also enjoyed sexual relationships with dogs. One particular dog he was VERY fond of. She was called Sheila and was a right bitch. Barlow is also notorious for having shagged 99% of the population of the European Union.
Coronation Street[edit]
After a title change, Ken settled into his new role in Coronation Street. His original character was to be a pimp dressed in deep purple velvet, several gold chains and a thick, golden walking cane that he would use to keep his bitches in order. Unfortunately the producers of the show decided that Mike Baldwin was way too manly for Ken to be able to convincingly portray such a character, and thus a legendary rivalry was born. Sometimes Ken is confused with his on-screen character, William Roach, although one crucial difference is that in real life Barlow only has one ear.
Today[edit]
Today Ken lives with his wife Deirdre, his mother in law Blanche (whom he regularly slips the length to after spiking her Horlicks with Rophenal- his secret romance with Blanche was actually discovered due to all the KY jelly he was borrowing from Roy). It is rumoured that Ken tried to seduce Rosie Webster at the back of Roy's Cafe. "how would you like to have a bite of this fish finger" he said to the strumpet with a deranged Anne Robinson style wink. He has a daughter called Traceh who is currently locked up in prison for murder (takes after her father, but was stupid enough to get caught) and a secret Philippino rentboy he keeps hidden under the stairs for all those lonely occasions. Today his life is more slowpaced with only three hoes to pimp out now that Mike is no longer around ruling the nest. Gone are the garish clothing choosing, simply, to just wear the big pimp hat and Mr. T-esque gold chains. Sadly, due to political correctness gone mad he is now only allowed by law to endure two gratuitous hard-core sex scenes in each episode of the show.
Despite being as exciting as a stamp-collecting Keane fan from Boringville, he has proved to be an amorous little bugger. He has had a succession of street romances- quickly earning him the title of the "weatherfield wodgerwer" as Jonathon Ross so eloquently put it.