Ear

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A frisbee left in the sun

“He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. He who does not should take from he who has two.”

~ Jesus in Revelation 2:7

The Ear is a bodily organ used to shield the side of your forehead from the sun. It is shaped like a frisbee left in the sun too long, but with a hole in the center. These organs are composed mainly of skin, cartilage, fat, cellulose, gravy and mucus. Ears supply two-fifths of the world's wax.

As with eyes, modern science has little to no understanding of the ear. Most humans are born with an ear on the left side of the head and grow a right ear as they morph from larva into pupa. The ear's main purpose throughout history has been similar to that of Christmas trees: a dangly thing from which to hang stuff.

Wax production

In the brain lives about a hundred bees. According to most scientists, these bees are pretty annoying. Unfortunately, the bees are particularly greedy and horde all the honey to themselves like honey-pimps.

As a by-product, these bees produce forty-seven gallons of wax a day. This is an incredible waste, as humans can only extract thirty-eight a day. However, they usually choose not to. The remaining amount of wax slowly replaces brain cells, and as people age, they find it is harder to think and/or remember. This is the cause of senility and dementia.

The Wax Scandal of 1939

In Russia, government-issued candles were becoming too expensive for the citizens to afford, and so the government tried a new method: Taking the wax from the ears of the citizens. And so 30,000 Russian were forced into slavery while the worm off of "The Matrix" stole away all of their wax. Soon though, Russia lost too many citizens to profit profit from their new candles, and abandoned the practice.

Five interesting facts about ears

• The walls have ears.
• Dead people have ears, but cannot use them properly. This is because there is no sun in graves.
• Some people have replaced their ears with eyes, which absorb more sun.
• It is the primary external organ through which most living beings can insert a sharpened #2 pencil snugly.
• Mimes do not have ears, either.

Ear Intercourse

A disturbing trend involving the insertion of a certain male appendage into the ear has emerged in many popular modern music scenes. For many, this act is non-consensual and generally distressing. New research proves that this so called "ear rape" is damaging to the health of your ear and may cause any or all of the following:

• Perforation of the ear drums.
• The involuntary cover of one's offended organ(s) with a hand. Or both.
• Destruction of any or all stereo sets and/or portable music players.
• General discomfort.

However; certain groups of individuals seem to actually enjoy the sensation of ear molestation. It is theorised that they have been infected with a rogue strain of the AIDS virus which specifically affects the earlobe (creating massive holes, some nearly ten millimeters wide if not treated), and causes the suffering party to become completely batshit and suddenly have a terrible dress sense.