Neil Gaiman

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“Neil Gaiman? He's that bastard that tried to sell me a demonic tomato!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Neil Gaiman

“...The Aristocrats! ”

~ End of Neil Gaiman's speech at Dornbeckers Children's Hospital

Neil Richard Gaiman (/ˈɡeɪmən/;[1] born 10 November 1960) is an English author of short fiction, novels, comic books, graphic novels, audio theatre and films. Discovered by the Ancient Gods of East Africa in 1935, Gaiman has become a well-known plagiarist of Cthulhu stories and Dave McKean drawings. To escape prison he has fled to Minnesnowta, a secret plane of existence from "his" writings, and has taken to wearing a fright wig to cover his naturally bald pate. Contrary to common belief Neil Gaiman is neither gai, nor a man (although he is rarely seen in public without his trademark hot pink leather jacket). Neither is his first name Neil. He is also not a Scientologist, or a sci-fi author; like L. Ron Hubbard.

The Man[edit]

The seventh son of astronaut pharmacists, little Neil lived a squalled life beneath the mansion staircase. Then one day a giant named Alan Moore arrived to see, the-boy-who-had-a-literature-degree. The giant brought Neil to a school for magicians, where the curriculum included facing an eye themed serial killer, astral plagiarizing to the dream world to speak with Cain and Abel, raising an obscure villain by imbuing him with the heroes similar but more godlike powers, and even tearing open a portal to hell. For Alan seeing so much of himself in the boy was like looking into a magic mirror that only shows you the thing you want to see most...

Not Being a Scientologist, Gaiman turned to faith in Cthulhu. Many support his faith, and his dark magic has improved ten fold since he began attending services, but some criticize that he joined the church simply for his love of the word "Eldritch."


It is a somewhat well-known fact that Neil Gaiman is from an English-speaking country. Of course, which English-speaking country he is from has yet to be determined. Many people believe that since Gaiman has blatantly plagiarized Douglas Adams, this would make him British. However, his inability to escape the lustful greed of corporate Hollywood would suggest that Gaiman is in fact from California. Relatives of Gaiman, including his parents, have narrowed it down to these two places. Of course, many characters Gaiman has created believe he is from their universe, but that is just ridiculous. Experts continued to be puzzled as his constant migration make it hard to determine a definitive place of origin. Direct questions as to where he comes from rarely work, as he tends to change the subject (often shifting the focus to how he got the nickname "horrifying pants guy.")

Literary Works[edit]

A page from the critically acclaimed Mr. Sandman

Neil Gaiman has written many books, often dealing with polytheism, witchcraft, fairies and other godless sodomite practices. Despite the fact that most of his stories have the same plot (man meets woman, man falls in love, man hits woman, woman runs away, man chases woman to a new world that the woman accidentally fell into or got confused with her original world, they meet all kinds of strange characters and animals and then blow up the old world and the new world to make a newer world and be king and queen of said world then go on to have an open relationship with a south-east African kangaroo-robot), he continues to sell them by cleverly changing the book cover and name.

Here is a list of his more popular works:

  • Mr Sandman A comic book, so no one takes it seriously. The protagonist has two lips (one rose and one clover) and a 'magic beam' which he uses to provide erotic dreams to teenagers.
  • Everywhere A young man follows a white rat down a sewer hole to a magical land below London where he meets strange people who encourage him to have a sexual awakening and indulge in mind altering drugs. Lewis Carroll is reportedly suing.
  • Stardirt (Soon to be a major You Tube Video!) A young bastard travels through the town gate and enters the world of Gary (IN). His adventures include a flight on a smog ship and being transformed into a feral chihuahua.
  • Godless Americans Is a ripping tale about Shadow, an atheist, who only wants a hug from his estranged father. Oh, and he's into necrophilia and bestiality.
  • Coraline in the City Lea Thompson, a cartoonist in Manhattan, discovers her eyes are actually buttons (with sexy results).
  • Nancy Boy (Really, we swear he's not gai).
  • 1602 A story about Hiroshima africans who had a bakery in Paris after the WWI(the right title should be 16602, a typography error got one 6).
  • Hunting Alan Moore An account of Neil Gaiman's experiences fighting off, and eventually slaying, the greatly feared Alan Moore, a large beast covered in hair, noted for its habit of describing gory things in its own writing.
  • The Troll Twins of Underbridge Academy[2]

Gaiman's Foray Into Film[edit]

Gaiman has recently decided to sell out, which means that he has turned over all the rights of his works (well, most at least, but his essay "My Summer Vacation", written while he was in third grade is notoriously absent from the list) to generic Hollywood executives. Now, everyone of his works is slowly turning into a stock-basic plot that leaves the audiences in complete indifference. Of course, this doesn't stop the films from receiving great critical success. Said Ebert and Roeper, "I read the book, and skipped the movie.. but two thumbs way up, anyways!" This is because, as everyone knows, Ebert and Roeper are gay.

The fact that this quote was written about Beowulf, a book Gaiman did NOT write, does not seem to bother Ebert nor Roeper, nor in fact the whole world at large.


  1. So what if it's pronounced GAY-man? Good God, you bloody Americans are wankers.
  2. Authorship disputed