Unobtanium
Unobtanium is a non-existent, make-believe element of the periodic table which does not in fact have a place on the periodic table due mostly to its non-existence and make-believeness. While the fairy tale element has been used in absurd narratives throughout history - starting with the Hindus - it is used in contemporary science-fiction as a plot device to make totally impossible things become totally possible, fictionalisticaly that is. Two particularly preposterous uses of the element were in the in the 1985 film, Star Trek VI The Voyage Home, and most blatantly in the 2009 film, Avatar.
In many other, shall we call, Spicy films, Unobtanium is subtly alluded to as being a valuable "make the impossible fantasy become credible as well as an orgasm superconductor." Any one familiar with any of this naughty cinema might assume we are talking about the stimulant Viagra. If you think that, then you clearly are not paying attention since Viagra is made up of real chemicals and exists in this world, right here right now and simply happens to be blue and sticky. Unobtanium is something that does not actually exist, and for the sake of science fiction writers, cannot exist in the actual world (otherwise they would have to come up with something new to make far out cinema enjoyable).
If Unobtanium were found to actually exist it would destroy the entire science fiction story genre. This explains why all attempts at mining the element, such as on Earth's second moon, are sabotaged by Hollywood screenwriters. One should never under-estimate the power of "Hollywood".
Unobtanium is said to be so incredibly expensive that any thought experiment on its value will result in brain exploding paradoxes. Paradoxes which destroy the very concept of absurdity. One gram of Unobtanium is considered to be so expensive it would require a planet about the size of Jupiter made out of solid gold to equal market value at a concept modern humans could understand.
According to James know-it-all Cameron, Unobtanium is worth a mere 20 million per kilogram (2.2 lbs) unrefined on Earth. But the monetary denomination is not specified, meaning it could very well refer to 20 million tons of solid gold per kilogram - which accords with the preceding assessment. When considering the obvious issue of Unobtanium being unreal its price is often classified as “unaffordium.”[1]. It seems to Uncyclopedia that this value estimate could hardly take into consideration the costs of shipping the raw material from planet of origin to Earth, which expense could be astronomical[2].
Unobtanium is odorless, tasteless, solid at room temperature and very sticky.
Utility
In science fiction, Unobtanium (also spelled Unobtainium) is an extremely rare, costly, and remarkable element which seems to do more than any normal element could ever actually do. Unobtanium seems to make the impossible happen whenever the impossible is wanted to be happenable. Need some kind of special energy to power your time machine? Unobtanium. Need a glowing medicine that will cure your mother's cancer? Unobtanium. Want to get a dorky guy a date with the super model next door? Unobtanium. Want some Unobtanium? Unobtanium.
Spicy Movies
Unobtanium is also alluded to, though never directly presented as a sexual tool. In some cases, a gram or two of Unobtanium placed in a room will make everyone become youthful, energised and frisky. Even men older than antiques will suddenly find their pants a little bulgy. By golly its aphrodisiacal uses are legendary, in really bad romance novels that is. Sadly unobtanium doesn't work well in the publishing world. Not even Unobtanium can make a pocket love story worth reading.
Ever notice that the actors in spicy movies are not really that attractive. They aren't ugly and certainly nothing to say no to, but they are certainly not drop dead gorgeous. Ever notice that no muscle guy shows up to fix your fridge in over alls without a tee-shirt underneath in real life. Notice how your secretary is never voluptuous and is in fact quite capable of filling the paper tray on the lowest shelf without your help. Ever pay close attention to the sets of spicy movies and realise that they are made of cardboard and that the music is synthesized on a keyboard from the 80s? And yet, something brings it all together in film form. Somehow the whole ensemble becomes so life like, so real, you think to yourself, if only I was more daring and imaginative, I could be that stud, or I could wear a girdle under my blouse at work. Unobtanium. It's all about Unobtanium.
Properties
The properties of Unobtanium depend on the intended use by uninspired Hollywood writers. For example, if a writer doesn't have the time or energy to come up with a clever explanation on how faster than light speed travel is possible, they can always build an engine fueled by Unobtanium. The author is basically taking two already well understood concepts (that is, engines and a gas tank) and adding that magic touch (a non existent super fuel) and walking through the back door with Unobtanium. Indeed, Unobtanium is a mediocre writers best friend, as Unobtanium is brighter than the sun, floats at room temperature, lends fragrance to the atmosphere, makes bystanders horny, and is resistant to Mexican inflation and toxic subprime junk stock.
Etymology
The word Unobtanium is derived from un + obtan + ium. The term also closely resembles the systematic element name for unnamed or undiscovered elements or hot babes that no one knows how that dork ended up with her. Un, is a Latin root which means the opposite of, incompatible with or contrary to. Obtain is also a Latin verb whose original meaning meant to get what is desired. Ium, is a dorky sounding word that scientists slapped on the end of their own names when they discovered new elements (or stole those discoveries from their lab students). All of these roots come from at least the Roman times showing a remarkable history of roots maintaining their original meaning through out centuries and crossing linguistic boundaries. Therefore it can be logically deduced that the name Unobtanium was in use long before the first draft of the film scripts for Avatar or The Core. Even medieval play writers had their own versions of Unobtanium to pull-off an impossible plot twist or bypass any need for creative juices. They certainly had to come up with some amazing element if they were going to convince normally happy people to spend two hours once a week in a cold church listening to shrieking music and staring at a man nailed to a cross. Or worse, to spend five hours a day banging their head on the ground facing East before blasting themselves to smithereens. Unobtanium.
History
By the 1900s, the term was in wide use, even in formal engineering papers such as "Towards Unobtanium new imaginary materials for space movie applications, such as a plot device." The word Unobtanium may well have been coined in the aerospace industry to refer to materials capable of withstanding the impossible temperatures expected when landing on the dark side of the Sun or passing through an asteroid belt while traveling at the speed of light. Aerospace engineers are frequently tempted to design aircraft which require parts with strength or resilience beyond any hope of ever being remotely realistic in any universe. They are also seriously subsidized by the US government. That is because the government believes it has Unobtanium.
Science fiction
Particularly in the motion picture industry, and also in the realm of scientific wishful thinking, Unobtanium can refer to any substance needed that is critical to the plot of a science fiction story, but which does not exist in the universe as we know it. In other words, total poop.
Unobtanium does not need to be directly used in a movie (not directly alluded to). In Star Trek VI, the enterprise is sling-shotted around the Sun and some how ends up in the past. To get back to the future (or present) they simply sling shot the other way around the Sun and voila, they are back. Was it because of their super sonic velocity, or the amazing creativity and intelligence of the writers? No, it was due to Unobtanium, so hidden in the script you wouldn't notice unless you were looking for it.
In Larry Niven's novel Ringworld, an atomic force is required to make the ridiculous become readable. Unobtanium is used to create the necessary atomic strength in order to counter act the negative magnetic force repelling a married couple from staying together in Rio de Janeiro during the Carnival.
Physical Characteristics
It is blue, shiny and very sticky. Once touched it is nearly impossible to get off your hands. The only way to clean it off is with the use of Unobtanium. See what we mean, the paradoxes keep growing. Unobtanium has never been directly shown in any movie except in the movie Avatar. In Avatar, the blue creatures use Unobtanium to enable themselves to connect with trees and also to infuse the soul of a dead human being into the rotting carcass of a dead alien. Brilliant writing that was the direct use of Unobtanium to make the absurd slightly more swallowable.
In summation Uncyclopedia has concluded that for all practical purposes nothing in the cosmos is more valuable than Unobtanium.
External link
UnNews
Human Unobtanium mining method
References
- ↑ "Unobtainium" (Unobtanium) has come to be used as a synonym for "unobtainable" among people who are neither science fiction fans nor engineers, to denote an object that actually exists, but which is very hard to obtain either because of high price (sometimes referred to as "unaffordium") or limited availability. Wikipedia
- ↑ ”Getting a kilogram of Unobtainium (Unobtanium) up to that speed, and then decelerating it at the end of the ride, takes at least 1017 joules of energy. What’s the cost of that energy? Our cheapest joules are supplied by your local utility company at about ten cents a kilowatt hour, or 36 million joules per dollar. At that rate, the price of shipping a kilo of Unobtainium works out to $3 billion, or — assuming 2% annual inflation between now and 150 years from now — $50 billion in 2154 c.e. dollars (that’s the year in which the film (Avatar) takes place) Hebrew Unobtanium Shipping Estimate
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