Beryllium
Beryllium is a transgender element that lives somewhere on the Idiotic table. It lives next to lithium (who is currently Beryllium's wife) but now prefers to go by the name Beryl now.
Like his/her wife, Beryllium is well known for his/her metallic appearance, ability to turn up in every day products, be fucking poisonous and ability to produce highly entertaining explosions when mixed with anything remotely liquid.
Appearance[edit]
Beryllium takes the appearance of round ball shape objects, (which is why it is appealing to poor women to use as a part of a sex toy.)
"Experts" believe that the seemingly gay and depressing appearance of Beryllium is due to periodic table law, stating the further across you move the duller the element becomes. However that is a load of bullshit designed to make daily life scientific and boring. The real reason is Beryllium's neglected childood. His/her father (magnesium) never really paid attention to Beryllium, thus leading to severe depression he/she experienced even into his adulthood.
To combat his/her depression Beryllium is now on drugs, which unfortunately has side-effects which include: Mood-swings, violent and awesome explosions, headache, loss of scalp and penis and the ability to steal lines from unsuspecting TV shows.
History[edit]
Like many useless but highly explosive and thus entertaining elements, Beryllium was discovered by the ancient Egyptions in around 4000BC. There were claims, that it was discovered earlier by the Ancient Greeks, but these claims were later revoked, upon the discovery that their exported Beryllium, was merely dried shit painted grey.
For the next 4000 years, the ancient Egyptians, used Beryllium in a number of useless ways, these included: An excuse to have slaves "accidentally" killed in unsafe Beryllium mines, sex toys, a cheap substitute for food to give the slaves and an explosive.
However upon the birth of Christ, all of these things were immediately banned (due to their ungod like nature.) This was a major blow to Egypt, and is part of the reason why they fell to the Romans.
For the next 1800 years the element remained unknown to human kind until it was accidentally re-discovered in 1828 by a German un-mad scientist Friedrich Wöhler, who threw a rock into some water and watched it explode on contact. Tests concluded that it was the highly reactive element Beryllium. This re-discovery of Beryllium was challenged by Frenchman Antoine Bussy who claimed he had found this chemical a few days earlier but had been sleeping off a long lunch and hadn't got round to officially claiming his discovery. The two men planned to fight a duel over Beryllium but wiser heads prevailed and they were proclaimed joint winners. These were the days before mandatory drug tests in chemistry.
Chemical Properties[edit]
Beryllium is highly reactive, and this is the only reason it is awesome. Beryllium is popular amongst Pyromaniacs, due to its ability to create: Explosions, fire and lulz.
Beryllium reacts most entertainingly, when mixed with fluorine. The major draw back of this is fluorine is a gas and if it escapes you are fucked (due to the fact it will eat you lungs and skin and throat.)
A safer , but still dangerous idea is to mix it with bromine, it is a liquid and thus much easier to control. Advice: DON'T SNIFF BROMINE, UNLESS YOU WANT TO DIE, if you want to die, just sniff the Bromine, you'll experience a slight tickling sensation, before you die.
Nuclear Properties[edit]
Beryllium is used in a wide range of useful and complicated things, regarding nuclear physics. In an effort not to bore you completely I shall not write out the shit. Instead go to wikipedia and read about Beryllium, once you've done that I will find out where you live and kill you for being a nerd, and reading that crap.
Quite simply Beryllium is used in nuclear physics:
Beryllium >> Nuclear Physics >> Nuclear Bombs >> Fucking awesome bang! >> Awesomeness is achieved.
As you can quite clearly see, life without Beryllium would mean no nuclear bombs, so thank god for Beryllium.
Isotopes[edit]
Beryllium comes in a number of different varieties. Many of which are radioactive, and therefore better than the rest.
Be-9 is epicly stable and is therefore not prone to making: Babies, nuclear radiation and blackholes. It is more common than the rest, but not nearly as much fun. As You can only play with fire, not radiation, unless you have a large hadron collider, but we all know how that turns out.
The rest of 'em are unstable and become other elements. They are much more entertaining as they kill idiots that decide to get too close.
Uses[edit]
Beryllium has a number of uses in todays society (in addtion to the Ancient Uses) these uses include: Aspirin, bike wheels, ice-cream cones, Dog food and breast implants.
However due to growing concerns of women and there boobs suddenly exploding (due to the uses of Beryllium in nuclear like shit.) The element used has now been changed to silicone.
Additionally Animal rights activists are now pressuring politicians to ban Dog food containing Beryllium. It is unlikely anything will happen with this, due to the fact politicians can only agree to disagree.
Aspirin is also a rich sourse of radioactive, exploding Beryllium, so next time you have a headache, maybe you should try some other drug.
| H | | He | |||||||||||||||
| Li | Be | | B | C | N | O | F | Ne | |||||||||
| Na | Mg | | Al | Si | P | S | Cl | Ar | |||||||||
| K | Ca | Sc | Ti | V | Cr | Mn | Fe | Co | Ni | Cu | Zn | Ga | Ge | As | Se | Br | Kr |
| Rb | Sr | Y | Zr | Nb | Mo | Tc | Ru | Rh | Pd | Ag | Cd | In | Sn | Sb | Te | I | Xe |
| Cs | Ba | Lu | Hf | Ta | W | Re | Os | Ir | Pt | Au | Hg | Tl | Pb | Bi | Po | At | Rn |
| Fr | Ra | Lr | Rf | Db | Sg | Bh | Hs | Mt | Ds | Rg | Cn | Nh | Fl | Mc | Lm | Ts | Og |
| | |||||||||||||||||
| La | Ce | Pr | Nd | Pm | Sm | Eu | Gd | Tb | Dy | Ho | Er | Tm | Yb | ||||
| Ac | Th | Pa | U | Np | Pu | Am | Cm | Bk | Cf | Es | Fm | Md | No | ||||