Thomas the Tank Engine
The Fictional World In The Show
Thomas the Tank Engine(Pronounced Tho-maz tuh he Eensjiene) is an omnisexual mayo jar which often operates on the uncyclopedia railway,and destroys the other engines from the "other railway"(Wiki rail)
Thomas The Tank Engine is the most famous fictional blue talking steam engine in the world, and is more popular than even the Flying Scotsman, which, as every child knows, doesn't have a face, doesn't talk, and never falls down black holes in amusing ways.
When Thomas hits the buffers, instead of the driver being suspended on full pay, pending a full enquiry and drug-test results, a short fat man in a top hat will talk sternly to the locomotive whilst standing on an orange box and will say "Thomas, you have caused confusion and delay!" The engine will be taken out of service and made to shunt trucks until it is sorry. Only then will it be allowed back on the main line to be a Really Useful Engine again.
When a driver hits the drink he does not become a dead wreck but in fact inflates until he is fat, is given a job ordering trains from an orange box, and becomes red in the face. This was the fate of Adolf "Obesse controller" hitler,who ran alongside the trains screaming at their unresponsive faces searching desperately for the meaning of death, until he was tragically crushed by Oliver
Thomas' Railway Line In The Show
For Years the Humor Deprived States of the North have been supplied with much needed Humor by the Southern states where Humor is so pleniful that it literally grows on Trees.
The Scarily faced Thomas the Tank Engine patrols this stretch of line screaming in his Ringo Starr Voice at anyone attempting to cross at a point which isn't a signal. He kills anyone in his way, including the OBESE Controller
The Story
In the year 2000 the traditional "Trad" story was upgraded so that the whole world would not have to think and could be be bling and hip. This is the new story:
In circa 200,000 BCE, the Obese Controller decided to organise vicious gang of trains on the streets of New Orleans, Buckinghamshire. The gang's dominant areas were in pimping and taking other rails by force. They would grow to rival the famed Virgin gang and would eventually surpass their technology with the advent of gunpowder in 1939. The Obese Controller set up his 'turf' on the Isle of Sod, where he brought in immigrant trains with disturbingly happy faces and broken English and turned them into lean, mean, pimping machines. Also in one famous series a mystery rapist was going round Sodor sexually abusing the engines. In the final episode of season 1, it came out that it was Gordon. As Thomas put it I always thought he was a bit sleazy!
Thomas was to rule his own Branch Line, a land of druggies and dealers. He set off to find two coaches to be his transport. He met Annie and Clarabel. The historical chat log is as follows.
++++ You have entered room:DirtyEngineXXX#. Today's topic is "ENJOY YOURSELVES!" ++++
Thomas488829: Yo, u niggaz up 4 sum coachin???????????????
Anniegrl69: OMG ILL HOOK UR CHAIN UP LUVVY XXX
SxyClarabel75: omg lol u r th gayzzz!!!!
Thomas488829: shut yo face mofo
[Thomas488829 has left room:DirtyEngineXXX#]
Liquidation
However, all was not well in the Isle of Sod. Due to the British Government's poor transport funding, the Obese controller eventually lost the rights to his locomotives company, which went into liquidation. Thomas was sold off for scrap and his carcass has been spotted in Bangladesh, where he currently serves as a housing estate. Annie's current whereabouts are unknown, but rumours of her engagement to Stevie Wonder are not unfounded. Clarabel went on the run after her long career of prostitution was discovered by the local police.
Ever since, British tabloid papers such as The Sun have seized the opportunity to make tasteless headlines such as 'Runaway Train!' and 'FORMER CARRIAGE IN SEX SCANDAL HORROR - WE BLAME PRINCE HARRY'.
The Other Thomas
Contrary to popular belief, Thomas the Tank Engine did not orginate as a children's T.V. show thought up by some British blokes, though the lying bastards may tell you that. Thomas the Tank Engine actually refers to a famous Korean sumo wrestler in the 1970s, known as 'Thomas the Tank Engine'. His Korean name is gibberish, so forget it. He was known for his massive size, and for the epic championship round for the 'bacon belt' against Fat Bastard. He was the winner of the round, and became the national hero of Korea for like, two weeks. Fat Bastard was a bitter son of a bitch and convinced Thomas to try baby, the other, other white meat. Thomas tried to eat it, but had a heart attack and died
Thomas's Drug Abuse And Departure
In 1998, copies of the Rev. W. Awdry's scripts were found in his grave, when some people dug it up for a joke. They involved Thomas's drug abuse (mainly heroine and cocaine) causing a row with James the Red Engine. The scenes closed with Thomas choking on his own fumes, when he wired his funnel to his burner to try and heighten masturbation pleasure. Thomas was to leave the show after overdosing on marker pens, whilst face-fucking Annie and Clarabel (his faithful sex coaches). A re-write was in order, and the good ol' Rev had one ready. The character of Thomas was to be replaced with Bernard Manning, to give the show a more biting edge. The script entitled 'Bernard the Fat Engine and Useless Jerks', involved Bernard himself shouting racist remarks including 'Fuzz Wodger' and 'Candy round bastard' at Toby, the newly renamed 'Brown Engine'. Unfortunately for Bernard, the scripts were taken to the grave with Reverand Orgy, and he was never given a part. Thomas lives on today ferrying cartons of farts from Willington in Derbyshire, to Grimsby, where they are stored and analysed in an attempt to crack the Enigma Code. Thomas also enjoys his hobbies of quilt-dressing and parrot-hounding.
Edward (The Blue Engine) And His Relationship With Richard Gere
Mistaken for the role in the X-Files as the bloke agent (not the one that looks like a man the real one), Richard Gere's career soared, and eventually met Edward at a Shaft convention in 1922. Gere (born 1643) wooed Edward with a Ferrari which Edward gave to Thomas who wrote it off during a 14 hour police chase. Edward and Richard had 5 children (3 of which were black and one of which was green (see Gere-Percy Scandal) and one of which fell out of a tree and broke its funnel, leaving it to suffocate). The divorce which followed in 1994 led Edward to drink and 'Misadventurous Spaz Running' which left Edward's boiler severely under-bitched. He left the show when Gere sued him for 'sass-riding' outside his home in Gollopsteriptonville, Iowa. Edward died in 1996 after a severe dismantling, his body sits next to Lenin's in the Kremlin.
Gordon's Solo Career
In 1861, Gordon launched his solo career by founding a Gin brewery in Tunbridge Wells. After having no less than 12 hit singles during the 80's, he was publicly humiliated when news of his alleged affair with America's First Lady circulated among the media. Unfortunately, 20 years after his shameful exit from show business, Gordon committed suicide on 10th October, 1492. His son Ogadei went on to establish the Khanate of the Golden Horde, but this was short lived due to complaints from others in the neighbourhood.
Where are They Now?
Many believe that the coal featured in the final episode of the Season is what led to the untimely scrapping of the star. Anyway, all the episodes written in this colour were heavily edited after the finale and reaired as a new show. All the other episodes were stored away to be eventually redubbed as a documentary on Chinese labour.
On the Isle of Sod(or) today, the new and brightly coloured engines run the line to attract children and consumers. The original actors are scattered in places including Scrapyards, Aisan Factories, Rehab Centres, Garbage Plants and the Obese Controller's stomach. Speaking of which, the Railway Chairman went down with James as he fell from a broken bridge. His last meal was a week long.
Pierce Brosnan is about to narrate new stories featuring the bright puffballs that teach morals and business ethics. He'll follow in the tracks of bad pun makers,George Carlin and Ringo.
Did You Know?
- The Obese Controller did not appear in the last 10 episodes of Season 2 as he was found to be conducting 'lewd' sexual acts on Thomas and his friends.
- People believe Shakespeare was inspired to write many of his great works after he has watched Thomas the Tank Engine.
- 80 000 children around Britain experienced epileptic fits after watching an episode where the constant flashing of the fire in Thomas'fire box was shown
- When questioned about the reason he ceased sexual abusing the engines, the Fat Controller replied that they simply did not have reproductive organs. The Controller had instead been using Thomas's gears and various knobs to suffice.
- After their break up Lady Controller went off with another railway owner, Sir Topham Hatt. Their location is currently unknown but is said to be in Nashville, Tenesee.
- HiT Entertainment currently owns Thomas.Thomas and his Friends/Enimies Vowed revenge against HiT ever since...
Quotes
(All from the two-part episode "THE OBESE CONTROLLER DECIDES TO MOLEST EVERYBODY" & "THE ENGINES THROW A BIG SEX/DRUG PARTY")
- THE OBESE CONTROLLER: Thomas, I want to make love to you.
- THOMAS: (Looks down at his underside) But I don't have a rod.
- THE OBESE CONTROLLER: Aw, damn!
- JAMES: Hey, homo!
- STEPNEY: I'm no homo! Stop callin me homo!
(Scene changes later that night, where Stepney is having sex with a man AND a woman)
- STEPNEY: (To James): See, I'm not a homo, I'm a bisexual! See! BIG Difference!
- Oliver:(To Black Bus):"STOP LOOKING AT ME, YOU BLACK B****** BUS!I DON'T GIVE A **** IF YOU WERE MADE IN AFRICA!!"
- THOMAS: Hey kids, its that time again! It's time to smoke some pot and screw with our hos!
- Michael Jackson: Hey, Thomas!
- THOMAS: Michael Jackson? What the fuck are you doing here?
- Michael Jackson: I'm havin' fun!
- THOMAS: Ohhhhh. Hey, take the kids into the "the" room for some *fun* party games.
- KIDS: Oh boy! Yayy!
(From "Off the Sheds")
- Oliver: Ernest, where's fatty?
- Ernest: Hmmm...Did you check Burger Shot?
- Oliver: Yes. He's not there.
- Ernest: Mc Sticks? Cluckin' Bell? The Truck Stop?
- Oliver: Not there,there,or there.
- Ernest: Oh dear. We must find him!
- (the obesse controller falls through shed)
- Ernest: I'll check the sheds! (Backs up, runs over fatty.)
Thomas & Friends Hards-to-Find VHS
- Edward Goes Emo & Other Stories
- Rescues, Runaways, and Racists and other stories
- Remembering Christopher Awdry and other Christopher Awdry Memories
- Remembering Rev W. Awdry and other Rev W. Awdry Memories
- Stevies Condom Crash and other Stories
- Ernest and the magic branchline
- Sod Bay sinks and meets a mermaid,but soon floats up,gets pissed,causes a riot,and other stories
