“When a man is tired of Peterborough, he's got a life.”
Peterborough Cathedral was acclaimed worldwide as one of the best 12th Century buildings to have survived intact, until 2008 when local residents voted for it to be converted into a McDonald's as they felt that it would be in a far better position to meet their needs post-conversion. Pe'erbruh, or Ptown or even The Borough as people hate calling it, is one of the most magnificent cities in all the globe, possibly even the galaxy. Even the slums and gulleys are painted in gold. Pe'erbruh airport is so quiet you could hear a snail shit on the runway. A hive of industrial sabotage, it still remains one of the safest cities in the world, protected by their God, Guru Nanak. Its speed does not hinder it in anyway from crushing, and then possibly nibbling on all who believe in crime and evil.
Facts and Figures
A mere 0.01% of the population are actually from Peterborough; the rest being immigrants from Eastern Europe(Poland), mostly drawn to the area due to the high level of available employment caused by the white British residents being almost entirely work-shy chavs who have so few dreams and hopes in their lives that £60 a week from Social Security is a perfectly sufficient amount to allow them to live the best sort of lives they can imagine. Peterborough may possibly be the only city with halal fish and chip shops since 30,000 Muslims, who recently forced their way through the wooden gates of the city, took over the trade.
But the chips are good.
When mayor of the city, Sir Keith Adolf Chegwin was questioned by Richard Bacon on BBC's "Strictly Peterborough's Little Brothers Big Mouth In The Jungle Five" on the low amount of employment in amongst home grown chavs, he replied; "No we aren't all chavs. Half of us cant get jobs coz we aren't willing to work for £2.50 an hour in a factory. It's not just Peterborough taken over by foreigners. I think you will find it's actually England. You can not walk down the street nowadays without at least 3 walkin passed you sniggering in their language. If you in England wanting our jobs wanting to live our lives learn to speak English."
He then went on to complain about how the floor hurts his knuckles and asked for a banana before throwing poo at a local scout group.
Peterborough United Football Club are affectionately known by fans as "The Posh" and by others as "an easy three points". They are an amateur club which formed in 1993 and played in the Local Sunday Afternoon league, which they won six times; eventually being admitted to the Saturday league, replacing the Cherry Tree Reserves.
They play their games at London Road and play a brand of football which can only be described as "shit". Despite this they now find themselves in The Championship and well over 100 fans have purchased season tickets for the next season. They have plans for a new 20,000 all seater stadium but their average attendance is 147. So to ensure that this venture is profitable the ground will be used midweek as a prison for criminals with weekend release.
Originally built to try and be the worst city in the world, Peterborough realised it could not beat Slough, so it changed to try and be one of the greatest and it succeeded with flying colours. To own a council flat, you have to have 3 university degrees. Even the rats in the street have to be educated enough to be able to pick up litter and put it in the bin. It is the City version of Eden, where everyone is happy. It even has a passport office which relates to the latest influx of immigrants who chose to make British passports an excuse not to leave.
For some years Peterborough was also proud to host the smallest university in the world, with only four students. Sadly, this had to close after three of them got on proper degree courses in Bradford.
Peterborough is twinned with the ancient cities of Atlantis, Babylon, Jericho, Athens, and Rome and the modern cities Tokyo and Kabul.
Legend tells of a man with a penis that looks like a deformed thumb is a direct descendant of the legendary dude Roman Emperor Thumbius Strangulous Dickous, the Emperor who commissioned the Colosseum to be built in Peterborough. The Colosseum was later stolen by Roman Dwarves, that had kidnapped the halfling farmer wizard Willow and forced him to use his connections with George Lucas to teleport the Colosseum to Rome. However George Lucas being the all time classic fuck up that he is accidentally dropped the Colosseum in Rome smashing it into pieces, henceforth the state of the Colosseum today. It has since been glued back together and renamed the London Road Stadium. So ends the legendary dude of strange dicks.
Ancient texts tell of a band of strangers who once came across these lands to spread the word of the NEW WORLD ORDER, and to fight crime. This was the legendary A Team. They came in a van (then a completely new form of transport), possibly from the future, there were 4 of them and they came from far far away. They travelled like hippies till they took the wrong slip road off the A1 and ended up in Peterborough.
There have been many tales of the sightings of the normal person where they are not chav, druggie, goth, emo or wanna be gangster. These claims were made by the Easter Bunny who was unfortunately high at the time and local authorities were unconvinced but even to this day people believe there is still hope. So ended the legendary legends of teamwork.
Civilised society began after Haydn killed the mega-beasts, the creatures of satanic evil not the band that play every Wednesday at The Met. Just as the history of England mentions highly aggressive sex rhino bunnies, so is the history of The borough filled with dangerous, bad ass and insane animals. Ghost dogs, punk pigeons, were-pigs, drag-queen trees, not to mention the space eyeballs and the millennium hands, the borough's history was rough till that Haydn the Legend of... legends, showed up. This legend wasn't born but was built by a multinational team of ancient robotocists. The triangular and circular arc reactors and repulsor blasters seen on Iron man were inspired by Haydn the Legend's temporary tattoos, seen by Stan Lee on one of his many trips to Space England. The legend uni-beamed all these animals to near extinction and told survivors to go hide in the forests outside Tescos extra (This was built three years prior). The borough would be totally impressed of this dude but he burned records cause he didn't wanna make a big deal outta it. The few surviving records show that his offspring travelled the world, only for their future descendents to return instinctively, explaining the influx of immigrations in the past 1000 years.
Then came the age of the divide, before this there were the grey dudes, they wore grey, liked all music, were sad and angry at the same time. Once Romia and Juliet started doing their hot lesbian thing, which was not legalised till 2003, the house divided into two factions. One kept the sadness and wore black, becoming goths, the other wore white becoming chavs. This divide shows the end of the grey dudes dynasty that rivaled the Chuck Norris dynasty in power and fist-shaped architecture. As the Legendary peeps of history failed to reincarnate into anything but animals the house of pboro divided further. Scientists believe when these cultures rejoin, peace will return the Pboro and the BMP will be annihilated by their awesomeness.
Shadow penguins arrived In da boro just before the massive chill out. They were penguins that wore all black and pretended to be human. Their penguinicity made them very shy and a minute few were actually aggressive. Harsh rumours began to spread about them and they could rarely defend themselves due to a penguin language barrier. Many learned to speak Boroughshirish and even wrote books about penguin religion to explain their differences and similarities with the borough people. It was not until the Massive chill out that borough people first saw the shadow penguins unmask, as generations of Space English culture mixed with their own into an awesome hybrid. Many criminals such as Large Terry have escaped police capture due to disguise as it is illegal to strip a shadow penguin unless you are their life partner and have given them fifty shiny pebbles. The shadow penguins' strong sense of community and family values kept them well and are one of the main similarities they share with borough people, dolphins, sex rhino bunnies, ginger Lara doves, pogostick vampires, west indian manatees, astronaut leopards and frontbum gorilla ninjas. The first notable shadow penguin lesbians became the hit band TATU. The end of the shadow penguin immigration marks the time before da boro knew every culture. This allowed the massive chill out to happen much sooner as borough people had seen and likely slept with all cultures, including Chuck Norris dancers.
As the billions of Legend of legend's offspring migrated home da Boro's history goes into the age of confusion were no one was sure if chinky was a term for take away Chinese food or a slightly racist slur. This was back when the races hadn't figured out how to get along, stayed in separate space ports around the coast of the city walls and the evil BMP were strong with their army of gun-mounted bear soldiers. There would have been war and a 99% BMP lead in the polls until The legendary JUSHUA reincarnated as a talking giant robotic love spider and told everyone to "shut up or jog off" which is the translation of the Latin motto of da Boro "UPON THIS ROCK". It was then that the different races realised they all descended from legends and removed the BMP from power. This is the era of the massive chill out and the beginning of the cross breeding. Here we see a return of some less powerful grey dudes, their ability to summon various snack foods, including their ability to actually fly after drinking red bull, not to mention all the weird shit with the teleporting, summoning love monkeys, telling the time and understanding the shadow penguins.
Peterborough has an incredible amount of famous people. Apart from St. Peter having lived in the town for 1700 years, the city also plays host to the homes of businessman Peter Boizot, Footballer David Beckham and that guy who used to shove his hand up a puppet. Professional footballer Mark Tyler has also been seen often shopping in Budgens where his fans congregate to get him to sign their man breasts and/or Manchester United shirts. More recently, famous city footballer Aaron Maclean has been seen driving everywhere with no license whilst on his mobile phone. The only person ever known to migrate out of Peterborough rather than into it is Aston Merrygold who was so bewildered and depressed by living standards in the city that he felt his life would be better off as a member of the girl group, JLS.
Possibly the most important man in the area however, is fretwanker Graham 'Gizz' Butt who constantly clings to the fact that he was a session musician and played guitar for The Prodigy for a couple of months in their live shows and nothing else. Although he is the greatest guitarist ever known to live, he prefers not to show his talents due to the fact that the sun would implode. The notorious car thief has also grown up on the mean streets of Peterborough. Originally from Liverpool
Areas of Peterborough
Peterborough is divided into three main districts; Warsaw, Prague and Islamabad, which are then further divided into these areas
(strangely enough all of these areas exist, even if it is just in the mind of the giant silver tortoise that protects Peterborough):
- City Centre
A place for chavs to start on the goths and vice versa. Peterborough City Council tried to create peace between these warring factions by taking them on a paint-balling expedition. Unfortunately this ended with all the goffs shooting themselves in the face and all the chavs stealing the paintball guns. The city centre is a rare example of bureaucratic humour, the city centre isn't actually in the centre of the city, it is really 3' (feet) to the left of the true centre. My, the long winter nights must just fly by in Town Planner households. More recently, in the ongoing attempt to waste money, the city council has built an automatic bathing system. high pressure water jets shoot from the ground cleaning the filthy and disemboweling the inattentive.
Is full of dirty junkies that drink lots of alcohol and take loads of drugs. This is the area you associate with chavs, trust me i know. They would rob the knickers off your arse for ther next fix. The people that call themselves saxon boys beat and rob their parents for their next hit. How chavie can you get? I don't think anyone in this area has a job. There is always problems with gang related violence as they call themselves saxon road elite (sre).
Walton doesn't actually exist, when asked to locate Walton on a map most people go blind. Everyone knows where it should be but it isn't always where it should be. The boundaries of Walton are somewhat blurred, is it Paston, Gunthorpe, Werrington or maybe even New England? These questions cannot be answered and therefore nobody asks them, such is the Peterborough way.
- Lincoln Road
This is where all the doll dossers can experience a cheap holiday. All you need to do is jump on the number 1 bus sit back and enjoy the tour through the Eastern European slums of Lincoln road. It is full of foreign shops and not one word of English is spoken there. You can even find polish supermarkets here.
The principal occupation for a Woodstonite is wife-beater, closely followed by vagrant. The men of Woodston spend their day alternating between the pub and the bookies, pausing only to fight with strangers. The women of Woodston are only differentiated from the men by their larger number of tattoos and fuller beards.
Close to Bretton. This is also brimful of chavs, drug dealers and wasters like Alister Rodgers who drinks White Ace and sells his bum. The women here are easy to pick up and the men are difficult to get up. Anyone who grows up in this area of Peterborough is likely to become a criminal or get an STD. If you are brave enough to step foot outside in Westwood at night, you are most likely to get mugged or stabbed. The area is named after the "popular" DJ's, father - Lord Westwood, who for a short time in 1987 was the Bishop of Peterborough Cathedral. He was eventually defrocked for attempting to "Pimp that Pulpit".
About a mile outside of the City Centre. This area has some posh houses, but if you roll a 10 or less on a D20 after about 9 'o clock at night, chances are you will get mugged. If you wander into any random pub in Dogsthorpe there will be a wizened old man claiming "'ere there be dragons."
Forced between Bretton and Westwood like the infamous tourist who got trapped between two fat women brawling over the last 100 watt light bulb in Poundland, this district takes all of the best things about its neighbours, including chavery, benefits fraud and wasters.
Best known for its Sainsbury's and YMCA where all the young men go to have a good time. It is also home to a refugee camp at Tyesdale where you can also find 40 hooded up thugs drinking Stella and driving around in stolen cars. As well as these charming features, it is also densely populated (like most of Peterborough). Other highlights of Bretton include the magical disappearing road at the Bretton Centre. This road was designed to cause utter confusion among motorists wishing to park their vehicles. The road mysteriously ends in a car parking bay, subsequently the owners have denied all knowledge of the road ever being there. Another feature which is unique to the architectural design of the Bretton centre is the amazing right angle corners in the roads. These prove to be a source of amazement to visiting tourists, especially Japanese ones. Road markings are also a very rare site in Bretton. They can only be found in the most unlikely places such as the roof of "the TV studio". This area is broken up into two halves one being called South and the other being called North.The story has it that north Bretton is full of grasses and most people from here are not to be trusted.
A posh area, where people go if they don't want to get mugged or stabbed. Instead they will meet a seemingly nice accountant who will leave them smiling and bankrupt. The people of Longthorpe or Those posh twats as they are sometimes referred to as, dislike it when people with an income of less than 400,000 turnips enters their beloved village. A mob will soon gather, with OAPs wielding flaming false limbs and walking sticks, to chase away the poor people. Sure, they'll pollute the atmosphere with huge 4x4s when they live about a mile from town. Sure, they'll look at you like a piece of shit if you're not wearing a King's School uniform or slippers and shorts. They'll move if a 'darky' moves in next door. But if you drop a fag, the CSOs are on yo ass. There have been increasing reports of a growing drug scene in the youth of this pleasant location, there is also said to be brothels and dealers situated in the Apsley Way vicinity.
The fact this is a part of England let alone Peterborough amazes unfortunate people who stumble across the area also known as "the lost city." English people can be easily spotted, wide eyed and scurrying with their heads down, trying to escape Little Poland, no Portugal, no, Pakistan...errrrrm...an essence of multicultural Britain. Also known as the one NO GO area after dark as it turns into west side story with big gay gangs clicking their fingers at each other and dancing in menacing ways.
Home of 52.554% of Peterborough's Gypsy population. If you were to ask a non-Gypsy who lives there what it's like the usual response is, "well, if you thought Bretton was bad....". Paston is also the ghetto of Peterborough - walk down there and expect to get stabbed, shot, mugged or even raped. The children of Paston are well-known thieves and will jack ya ped, push bike anything worth robbing. When the council decided to mark road signs on the parkway to turn off via Paston rather than put Paston they put 'Local Traffic'. This was due to the previously higher number of accidents that would happen when drivers tried to get away as quick as possible and not turn back.
"Parnwell is well bad" - the Mayor of Parnwell, describing how good Parnwell actually is. Most people who live here are honest, country folk. Only go there if you wanna get shot with a pellet gun and get battered.
- The Ortons
A mixed bag, with a population made up chiefly of all the rejects from mental outpatient clinics and failed youth programs. Several areas of Orton such as Goldhay, Malbourne, Brimbles, Longueville, Northgate, Southgate, are home to chavs (even the posher ones). In Goldhay, a knife no shorter than a machete is a necessity even in daylight, feral youths roam the streets. Most areas of Orton, at any time during the day will contain a small bonfire created by setting a car on fire. Maximum security houses are installed everywhere. However, this does not deter most Hardcore Chav Extremists, who will sacrifice themselves to break into any establishment, with White Ace cider cocktail bombs or buckfast strapped to them, in an effort to get their "72 Fit Chavette Lasses, innit?" in Chavadise.
A mythical town where they still worship the God of potato pickers "His royal highness of darkness Kevin "Mr fix-it" Smith". It is said that the village created its own language back in the day where they use a clever play on words to create a language that only locals can understand, words such as Aboosed, toona & coocumber, Toosday, fooooms, fooocha and poooney ! Thorney holds the record for the longest time taken to complete a by-pass, it was eventually completed resulting in Thorney being removed from local maps, much to the anger of the Thorney chip shop. It is also known that every Tom dick and Harry put a claim in against the road builders. Bloody Pikeys. Interesting places in Thorney are: The Rose & Crown, Pigeons Faaaarm, Booooookhorn road and the annual Thorney music festival. Oh and they have a windmill, whoopee. There is also a Mythical road that runs from Thorney to Whittlesey, known as "the back road to Thorney" in these parts. Since the start of the 20th century, the number of local people employed has greatly decreased (due to closure of faaaarms and brick yards), and now most of the population live in the village itself rather than the surrounding faaaarmland, it is known that some have migrated to the town of Whittlesey. Some agricultural cottages, farmhouses and buildings have been converted for residential use. It is known that a PCSO who goes by the name of Mary Webber patrols between Thorney and Newborough !! mmm interesting
Formerly an island "Whittlesea" was separated from Peterborough by marshlands and many locals believe the Fens should never have been drained. The brickyards between Peterborough and Whittlesey are actually a strategic moat designed to deter infiltration from the former mainland and Stanground. Second world war pill boxes are strategically located along the Peterborough Road and the Green Wheel and can be manned by the Army Cadet Force rapid response unit (at a week's notice with a signed note from their parents) to deter any invasion of chavs.
Many inhabitants of Whittlesey, if not all of them, believe Whittlesey to be the true Center Of The Universe.
South of the city centre, which is currently being taken over by the chav scum population. Fewer and fewer people are outside as on rare occasions, muggings take place. Used to be a nice place to live. Soon to end up like Bretton and Westwood. Most of the children that live in Stanground don't go school, especially Havelock Drive - they're too busy taking drugs and drinking in the park or down the river. Hiding from their parents then stumbling in at all hours. This area is also known for setting bonfires to keep themselves warm during the winter.
Hampton is the equivalent of a monkeys arse hole and is raided be Somalian pirates looking for revenge. Full of hoes, chavs and emo's. Mainly all little cunts without lives, wasting away their pathetic little lives on x-box or on street corners doing drugs while yelling "PARKOUR" at a local. woop-b.k.r <3 j.c but they're all fucking hard.
South of the City Center and Hampton, this Vandal-infested little village is a 75% bag of shit with the most westernly end being rather respectable. The recreation ground, otherwise known as "The Wreck," is for your chav scum to gather on in an evening to enjoy a nice bag 'o hash with each other. The highlight of Yaxley is The Shopping Centre, sometimes known affectionately as '1970s Town Planners' Utopian Concrete Dreamland'. Several times throughout the year, several ex London buses are rumoured to pass along Broadway due to 2 local idiots who decided to become bus conductors and congest the roads of Yaxley. If you see them KILL them as bus enthusiasm can be deadly!
Worse even than Bretton, Welland contains 99.9% chavs (the other 0.1% are the actually employed, a rarity in Peterborough). Basically, this is a place that shouldn't exist. It was created in a freak accident involving radioactive sheep and Cathode ray tubes. Welland holds the world record for the most number of windows broken in a single afternoon. Doors also get kicked in on a regular basis as well. If you're not on the right side of these chavs, you're sure to get "shanked"
Fletton is heavily populated by the Italians, or Damn Ities, so there are a lot of redundant pizza and pasta chefs hanging around on street corners binging on Carbs. You may also spot a few chavs roaming the streets, but they will not be out too late because their mothers (usually around the age of 14) call them in for their tea. The avergae age in Fletton is 12.
There is an Ikea distribution center there but no actual Ikea store. When construction was announced there was great delight among the people of Peterborough. However, this soon changed when they realised they would not be able purchase a sofa for 99p.
Be warned there may be people roaming the streets in their boxers due to too much alcohol.
AKA Narnia, Sawtry is inhabited by many breeds of Antelopes, Camels, Chinchillas and last but not least; Chavs. Approximately 98.3% of the population is chav. The other 1.7% are inbred humans whose parents are brothers and sisters. If you were to visit the sports centre after 10am, you are more likely to see Peckham. Swarms of chavs, with an average IQ of 28, swarm the village; feasting on any unsuspecting mammals who just happen to be roaming the streets enjoying their hourly brew. On the other hand, the school is one of the highest achieving in the country; the 0.4% of them that is. However, if you visit the village on Christmas Day, you will manage to enjoy the finest Chinese meals in the world.
This used to be a small village where inhabitants could be cheerful they were just outside of Peterborough with at least the local rubbish tip which separated the 2. This, in the last 25 years has changed and has now been consumed into the larger populace, very disappointing to the population as most of the locals from plenty of inbreeding and radiation named the place due to turning into cyclops. It has slightly changed now and the chavs, who are not bothered who they sleep with, have at least got the 1 eye inbred genetics a little stronger ( I know hard to believe). If you ever meet someone from eye always greet by saying "eye eye", for yes say "eye" and for saying one saw something always say "eye eyed that". Is that clear? - You should be saying "Eye Eye" now.
Peterborough town centre is a no-go zone past 9pm on Friday nights. After this time, drunken idiots seemingly appear from nowhere. All sentences are started with "wot you lukin' at", and guys that would blow away in the wind suddenly think they're tough. In recent times there have been 19 cases of goff stabbings. (Hurrah!)
Peterborough's police force takes crime very seriously. Unfortunately, their ability to tackle crime has been hindered by the fact that he is now becoming rapidly extinct due to the mass influx of Police Community Support Officers (PCSOs) from Poland, Ukraine and other such Eastern European countries. The PCSOs will claim their jobs are very rewarding, well paid and they are no different to normal police officers. However, they failed the police entry exam and are the only suckers gullible enough to patrol on the beat around the Ortons (occasionally). Credit must be given to them however, as people who failed the PCSOs entry exam became overweight street wardens. On one humorous occasion, it was reported in the local paper that two PCSOs (possibly overweight and female) actually hid inside a cupboard to escape marauding youths.
In an attempt to prevent crime without actually having to leave the police station, a series of CCTV cameras were placed in well-lit areas around the city centre by the police who claim that if you are in trouble you should telephone them and get in view of the cameras so they can keep an eye on you. In reality, the bored CCTV operators just want to watch you getting mugged.
Current completely scientific surveys suggest that the police force in Peterborough now consists of 2 real police men (of which both suffer from obesity), and over 40,000 PCSOs. Go figure eh?
The natural opposite to crime is anti-crime, which is found in Peterborough and nowhere else. Anti-crimes include:
- Breaking and Decorating
- Helping with intent to embarrass
- Standing on a street corner giving directions
- The rightful murder of a chav (goths only)
Anti-Crime can only be dealt with with anti-punishments. These include:
- Being allowed to go free
- Being given an anti-fine (positive +£)
The Railway System
The railway system is the cleanest in all of Europe operated by over 700 different private companies. Every train is clean, and everyone on the train is happy - passengers suspected of not being happy may be denied passage. This scared some people and the city commissioned a tramp to ride on every cart to make it more human. It was a resounding success and led the city to attempt to become environmentally friendly, converting all trains to run on solar power. This failed catastrophically as whenever a train went through a tunnel it stopped. Now you might be thinking that it's all too good to be true, the railway network in Peterborough seems so old and worn out that some believe that Jesus himself used the train to Leicester in it's early days. Oh, it's not that bad!
The residents of Peterborough are surprisingly proud of its rail links, unless they want to go to anywhere that isn't London, Edinburgh, King's Lynn or to a field near Stibbington (known as Wansford). Those who wish to view the failed solar train project are too late, as the most holy and reverent Network Rail has taken it away to try and make the West Coast Mainline run even slower, although leading physicists believe that this is impossible and, if it was achieved, the world might very well end. Don't talk about the trains, you will not make any friends.
Nene Valley Railway
Some Railways are incredibly underfunded in Peterborough, (All of them). So much so that the Nene Valley Railway are still repairing redundant steam trains and coaches from the middle ages. Their Trains may not be modern but the staff are incredibly friendly, with a policy of Strictly NO Chavs allowed, in simple terms, bollocks! Jake Beeken is the chief train man, ably assisted by "half finnish phil" who is not actually half finnish, but never actually manages to complete a single job.
The Trains have an onboard Bar (Apparently). Ticket Prices are fair and Strict. Anti-crime measures have been taken in the way of ticket inspectors!(although not adequately trained to deal with the weapons used in Peterborough such as knives, guns, and machetes) so anyone from the Ortons are already fully equiped to gain free travel!
They also on some days operate a Vintage bus service using 1960s London Routemasters as an act of defiance to Ken Livingstone. The bus conductors are sourced from Yaxley hence the Posh wannabe appearence although in reality they are peasants, and the Driver is a retired GP from hampton as "Foreigners Stole all his work".
Nene Valley Railway Stations:
Yarwell Junction: Yarwell Junction for many years served the Nene Valley Railway as an execution spot where they would take their passengers and bore them to death while they sat on the train doing nothing for 15 minutes while the locomotive buggered off somewhere before magically re-attatching to the rear of the train. There is absolutely jack all to do at Yarwell even nowa days since 2007 when the new Station was opened. It now plays host at nights to the local Druggies from the Caravan park and the Drunken Farmers who have nothing better to do in this boring little villiage.
Wansford: Wansford station is named so as to confuse everybody as it is located in a field 2 miles out of Wansford village known as "Stibbington". Wansoford is the Head-quarters of the NVR and is open to serve all the people who are lost that took the wrong turning off of the A1. At wansford you can endulge in the cafe known as the "Pay up, Eat up & Chuck up Establishment" In this Cafe you will also enjoy the Freak Show composed of anybody sad enough to work at this railway volunterily and the largest man in britain (who some how drives diesels) This is always a thrill for Diesel enthusiasts as the Locomotive has to work extra hard with plenty of revs (or Thrash as it is also known to railway nerds). The Gift shop supplies many useless knick nacks at extorsionate prices. such knick nacks include "Key Rings" (£35), Bags of cheap sweets (£7) and Thomas the Tank Engine crap/Postcards (£0.01). Nene Valley also house a line of scrap continental steam locomotives as they would rather not waste money on sh*t Foreign engineering, rather hypercritical considering their the only preserved railway line in Britain that boasts a collection of "International" steam and rolling stock.
Ferry Meadows Ferry Meadows for the Nene Park is confeniently located 5mins down Ham Lane from the Ferry Meadows Visitor Centre. This is an excellent spot to break your journey as you can feed the Ducks (mostly drugged up geese) and get your shoes covered in Duck Poo. At Ferry Meadows you can also take a walk throught the fields and lakes or even jack up in the play areas, if you are not careful you will get run over by a wannabe miniature railway. Ferry Meadows is the dumping ground for all un-wanted rolling stock on the Nene Valley Railway and is rented out to the Local Glee club who grafiti the wagons and burn them out on the odd occasion. The Golf course is also positioned next door to the station, so it is the perfect location to get your head knocked off by a golf ball!
Orton Mere Orton Mere (also known to the locals as Orton Quere) is used as the gathering point for all the dipsh*ts and idiots in Peterborough. The Station is Ran by one Robert "Arkwright" Maskill, a web-designer by trade. Orton Mere is the perfect location to alight if you want to look at a closed Car park, and closed public loo's. Although they are a separate entity from the NVR people still feel the need to whinge and moan at the Station staff who generally don't give a sh*t about your car park or loo problem. Most Visitors have an IQ Level of -6, this has been prooven by the stupidity of the customers at the station. afew examples include...: "Excuse me, is this a railway".... "How Much are your £1.70 Magnums".... "Is it steam today(*having just walked by the steam engine*)"...... "I Missed the Train, i can see him in the distance couldn't you ring his mobile and ask him to back up?" This is just a select few of the daft gits at orton mere. If you are around at night you may wish to endulge in the Gay Activitied that gained the Station the nickname Orton Queer.
Peterborough Nene Valley Peterborough Nene Valley (known to the staff as Shiti Centre) is operated by a group of Pensioners who have nothing to do during the week or weekends. Being the terminus for the line you can escape the tranquility of the Nene Valley and visit Chav Cenral or Queensgate as it is also known. Located in a spot of wasteland not marked on any map in the center of Peterborough it is the perfect place for vandals, druggies and criminals of all sorts to gather and have a gang bang on the benches or empty over 500 Gallons of water out of the water tower and create a swimming pool to drown cats in for the Cat Olympics people from Orton endulge in. At PNV station you can also visit the Porter Cabin Perservation society otherwise known as Railworld.
Peterborough also has Railworld. A thoroughly riveting museum, rustically located in a field somewhere. Legend has it you can only find the museum after a night on the beer or if you're riding a bike. Railworld also has a Train, but it doesn't work, and is blue. They do have a working locomotive (Supposedly) considering nothing works on site, but keep it elsewhere so the locals don't nick parts. There is a model railway located on the far Side of the river accesed via a plank of wood they call a bridge. Such rail enthusiast visitors may be encountered by members of Greenpeace in the essence that Global Warming is all our fault and we should die for it.
The favoured method of transport around Peterborough is the bus operated by Slavecoach (or Stagecoach as it is otherwise known). Bus numbers go from -5 to 12203. This is a little known fact among bus users because these buses don't actually exist. The Worst Routes are branded 'Citi' and are numbered 1-8. These routes are appauling as they start on a timetable and finish on a clendar. To Locals they are known as the Shiti 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 & 8. If boarding a bus in Peterborough expect to pay extorsionate fares such as £4.10! for a DayRider (Rip-off Return) amd £13.00 for a MegaRider (Mug-a-Rider). They do not do Ruturn Tickets or Child "Rider" Tickets meaning you have to pay the maximum amount physically possible. Slavecoach have no time for the passenger and will reject any phone calls and bin all complaints. If you can find a shittier bus service.... You're in Poland! (then again all the people in Peterborough are from Poland)
To be a bus driver in Peterborough, you need to have the following qualifications:
- A minimum of 3 points on your car licence
- A note from your doctor/health practitioner saying you have an alcohol problem
- A healthy disregard for the feelings of others
- Road rage
- Poor hearing - so poor that the word "Return" sounds like "Child"\
- be able to chain smoke
And that is it. You don't need a bus license because no one is going to ask you for it. Bus drivers are asked to drive at either 20mph under the speed limit or 30mph over the speed limit in order to scare passengers s**tless.
A number of tramps and loonies can be seen riding the buses. If you are lucky, you may meet "That Weird Guy" who will shout a torrent of abuse at you such as "Are you looking at me?!! What are you looking at?! have you got a problem?!! *Incoherent swear words*"
The busses of Peterborough are clean and shiny and never, ever smell funny. Even the tramps have to take a shower before boarding a bus.
While busses from 1 - 5 seem to exist, 6 - 12203 mainly seem to run on every third monday of the month, when it (The month) begins with a "P".
If you think you will actually get off the bus early don't be fooled, the bus driver stops off at the next stop gets out and has a fag or spliff.
The Road Network
The road system within Peterborough is mainly populated by BMWs and Astras, with the occasional boy racer AX/Nova. Peterborough's BMW drivers are known to usually be around 45 in age, but prefer to act like they are 19 again. They cannot go around roundabouts and like to cut up other people on the road, but after all, it's their road, so who cares. The Astra drivers will either be Gypsies or Polish, the car will either be stolen, or they will have purchased it for £100 from a mate who made it from 34 different cars and some superglue (or duct tape). They also (like the BMW drivers) have issues with actually going round the roundabouts, but this time it is not because they own the roads but because they don't actually have licences and learnt to drive at the age of 5 when their older brothers took them joyriding in a stolen Ford Cortina. If you own a car which is faster than an Astra you overtake, the Gypsy/Pole will become annoyed and try to chase you to start a fight - you can usually avoid this by signaling in the mirror that they are a wanker, and then speeding away, making them look rather foolish.
There is a commonly adopted version of the Highway Code used in Peterborough known as the F**k you system (as commonly used in Italy, Tunisia, all of (B*st*rd) France and most of the rest of Europe, except Latvia. The core of this code is the non-use of indicators at roundabouts. A good example is if you are going straight on (that is, forward) you should not indicate as you must try and annoy the other drivers coming from the opposite side of the roundabout so they cannot have any idea of which exit you are taking. Other rules include:
- Straddling both lanes at roundabouts
- Disregarding road signs and speed limits
- Using your mobile phone whilst driving (it is actually an offence not to use your phone)
- cutting up the police and blocking them in while the blue lights are going
Peterborough City Council recently undertook work to widen the road near Hampton. This failed, just like everything else in Peterborough. The road actually became smaller as a consequence. Lines designed to quide traffic into the correct lane also failed. Instead, cars ended up getting so confused by the number of lines that many drivers had to receive counselling afterwards. A sign has now been placed warning of the impending doom...in the North Sea.
Unlike Liverpool, Peterborough does not need telling that it is a God forsaken hell hole, the only culture in the area having been developed by engineers at the nearby Perkins Dairy and Yoghurt Factory. The need for local culture was soon lost with the introduction of The Culture Show on the BBC, which enabled those few Peterborough residents who cared to get a taste of London-based, real culture. Over a thousand artists and film makers were put out of work due to the growing demand for "indie" (Sony BMG) bands. A year later, Peterburghians mourned the loss and death of Culture from their beloved city. This was marked with a thousand pigeons being released into the sky...and shot by Chav Marksmen.
Peterborough used to have a theatre, but this has been burnt down by resourceful citizens.
Desperate citizens have issued a hysterical plea for spare culture from neighbouring towns and cities, offering cash rewards of up to three farthings for donated culture. So far the town has had donations of a hand-carved ornament of a man carving an ornament, a phallic shaped egg cup; and the entire cast of dinnerladies offered to add to the towns dwindling culture, all of which have been rejected. The town has even gone as far as rejecting an offering of £750'000 from near-by town Ramsey on the basis that it was probably monopoly money being used as a cruel and offensive jibe at the culture-less city. The people of Peterborough have since ransacked the town of Ramsey, making off with all their worldly assets including the towns mascot - a massive shit covered in Haribo. One Peterborough man was quoted during the 'storming' as saying "There's nothing quicker than a kwikfit fitter!" But we've since come to learn that this man was 'off his tits' on meth-amphetamine and paprika pringles.
Peterborough actually has a Night, which rather oddly is alive. Be warned however, the Night in Peterborough is a dangerous and foreboding character. It should be approached with caution, or if you feel threatened like a PCSO then take a ticket out of their book (no, really, don't. they'll call for back-up) and hide in one of the hundreds of conveniently placed cupboards in the city centre.
There are many people who make use of the Night's facilities in Peterborough. These range from 14 year olds, who walk around about 8:30 (390:59 for the anal among us) drinking 'Kick' energy drink pretending they be drunk, to 50 somethings who are far too old to be out at this time of night and should be in a home.
The highlight of the Night in Peterborough has to be its Liquid, a popular club. Some say that Liquid is 100% chav/immigrant and that if any non-chav enters, they will be fed 'chav juice' (watered down alcopops) until they turn into one.
The night begins in Peterborough on 'the strip' which helpfully stretches from Wilkinsons down towards the dole office.
Peterborough has only one Television, it is held in the council offices and is used only at state occasions. When it is switched on there is great merriment amongst the people, until they realise there is only Deal or naffing No Deal on.
Peterborough has a fictitious television studio, located in Bretton. Although there is one sign post (yes, just the one) pointing in the vague direction of the studio, no 'TV people' can ever be seen around the place. In fact, none of the TV companies will even own up to having built a studio here because it is in Bretton. It could be said that they are deeply ashamed not to have placed a TV studio where the inhabitants actually have some money like Longthorpe.
However, there is a low rent retail company who chose Pboro as the perfect base to broadcast two actual TV channels. 'Ideal World' (surely ironic?) and a craft channel 'Create Some Crap' release their home shopping diarrhea from an institution near the main Pboro Sainsbury's. This location is convenient for the low paid staff because they can grab some morsels of hot food there, given that the tight fisted home shopping outfit can't be arsed to provide a staff restaurant. The channels are run on a shoestring which snapped some years ago. Most of the TV staff there hope to find better work elsewhere 'some day'. The rest just jack up on drink and drugs to get through each shift, because keeping their torturous job is marginally better than living on benefits.
The majority of Peterbores (as they liked to be called) are human, though there are several different forms of animal that inhabit the domains of Peterborough. One of such breed is the pigeon. In the culture of the peterbores these are considered demons, always going out of their way to make their lives worse. One who follows the cult of these "devils of the sky" is called an idiot. One of their particularly evil tricks is to magically create faeces and lob it at people's cars. A most evil act, that is punishable by death in Peterborough. No matter how much the peterbores try, they cannot exorcise these evil beings. Instead many try to ignore their taunts and whistles, many blocking it out completely.
On the 27th April of each year, teenage male Peterbores meet their counterparts from Corby for the 'Big Fight'. This takes part in the marketplace of the
grotpicturesque town of Oundle and results in much bloodshed and random phrases such as 'ya dunnoe' and 'ill shank u up bruv' thrown about, until the opportunity to beat up a few boys, girls or Latin teachers from the local public school unites the two sides in a frenzy of conjugation, declension and incorrect locatives.
One Distinguishing feature of Peterborough is its local wildlife. Most notable is the lesser spotted lordington. These Curious creatures can be seen roaming around the local morisons and tescos, digging for truffles and occasionally making random noises akin to explosions to ward off wood be predators. Usually these timid creatures can be calmed by feeding them cups of tea and chicken & stuffing baguettes.
Peterborough gave its name to its most famous inhabitant Peter Brough, the ventriloquist's dummy operated by Eamonn Andrews in the 1950s. Even today, many ventriloquist's dummies travel to Peterborough hoping to visit the workshop where he was made. However, they rarely make it to the town, since the closest they can get to saying its name is "Ketergorough".
Millions of units of currency, called "pounds," have been spent on "improving" Peterborough's education system. Most of this has gone on the new ginormous Thomas Deacon Acadamy(Also known as the school which 'thinks there clever but just turn out to be complete idiots!'). There have been some regime changes: the pupils will not be allowed to have break times, as the "learning experience" will be so engaging that they will not want to leave lessons, if the pupils feel the need for a drink they will be allowed "in learning experience hydration" or a bottle of water on the desk. £46,000,000 has been spent on this school and they haven't even included a playground. This may sound far-fetched, but it is in fact completely true.
The other glowing educational establishment is the Kings School (spelt with a small t and no apostrophe), or "Those Fucking boffs" as the pupils are lovingly known. This school is mostly harmless and little is known about them except they wear MAROON. They travel to the Cathedral of St Peter's Bra on a regular basis to sacrifice the uneducated, and have recently invested over £600,000 on what they call an "Orrery", but what others call "Oreo". Year 12s at the school can often be seen running around the "Orrery", yelling manically about how instead of wasting money on that, they could have spent the money on a massive flag which would say "TDA ARE SHIT", enough shotguns to shoot all of the "riff-raff" from The Academy, and a guard bear called Barry. Recently they let one of the city's many chavs attend, so long as they kept their attendance above 35%. They lasted less than a week.
Although there are any number of schools in the wonderful, glorious (etc., etc.) city of Peterborough they are under-attended, because all babies born in the Peterborough area come with a degree level education, a PhD is an optional extra.]
The healthcare system in Peterborough is second to none, except that of a small village in North Wales and all of Germany, France and the rest of Western Europe. Oh, and probably Canada as well, but it's definitely better than that of Rwanda.
There is a multi-million pound hospital, which was opened last year and is about to close. There are also some doctors, but beware! Doctors in Peterborough are feral and have been left to roam the streets until the council find a way to cull them painlessly. Please do not approach a feral doctor, especially if you have an injury or illness. The are to be considered dangerous, and possibly armed with one of those funny little thingies that they wear on their heads for doing nose and throat operations (looks like a saucer, but silver and shiny).
If you have money in Peterborough please be sure to speak to any Chav on the Beat to ensure that he or she takes from you for safe keeping. If you can find the same chav, you are allowed to ask for the money back (City By-Law 11078c), but the likelihood is that you will get either: "a punch inna teef." or "a kick inna fork." YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
Peterborough has fantastic commerce, thanks to two things... Foskbay and GypoTrades.
Foskbay is a Peterborough-born gigantic market for chavs, gypsies and lesbian goffs. Due to its astounding success, the world has seen many poor imitations such as Ebay, Play.com, Amazon, Congo and Bretton Woods.
Foskbay sells everything from the 7 corners of the universe. You can buy anything that you ever dreamed of, so long as it's musical instruments and Zbox 1080 games. Prices can seem high to visitors, with around £11,000,000,000.99 being the going rate for the cheapest items. But this is fine for the people of Peterborough as they all earn fantastic money for not doing much, except maybe picking their noses and having children.
GypoTrade is a consortium of gypsy tradesmen, who go door to door and neighbourhood to neighbourhood enforcing compulsory work such as pot-hole filling, copper-wire thieving, footbridge-railing-stealing and 'let us use this spare bit of tarmac up in yer yard'-ing, and then proceed to rob you of your money. If you refuse to pay, they go away, but reappear two hours later with the rest of their family (upwards of 700 individuals), brandishing spades and threatening to 'beat you in'.
Shopping is rare in Peterborough, mainly because the chavs have stolen most of the money (or if in Bretton, stolen the contents of the shop) but if you are lucky enough to have money, the Queensgate Shopping centre in the city centre is the place for you, where there are over three shops and a McDonalds ChavXPress, but one sells only sex aids, and one of the others is closed pending a VAT inspection.
King of Peterborough
Of course, all the rowdy citizens of Peterborough require a ruler. And who better to do the job than the Almighty King scottapottawotta aka scawt Our beloved Nobby lived his life in a bus shelter, and in a rare moment of kindness from the citizens of Peterborough, his homely bus shelter was done up with top-of-the-range wood imported from the magical land of Narnia, the partner country of Peterborough, and some double glazing to stop the chavs from knifing His Majesty. Unfortunately the bus shelter has since been overturned by gremlins and King Nobby's whereabouts are currently unknown. It is suspected he despised Peterborough and so moved to Narnia where he is now worshipped and adored. Every year Nobby celebrated christmas by throwing the mince pies people gave him at passing cars and pedestrians.
Car Boot Sales
every sunday there is the famous peterborough car boot sale were you can buy other peoples junk and here people say things like "don't forget your trifle", "no you cant have that watch you cant tell the time" and "shall i put all those legs in a bag for you".
There is an infamous toilet at the car boot that if you enter this abyss of hell you must brave the horrors the lie in wait for you, there is a hideous fat & wrinkly beast that will knock you out with its awful farts and then eat you, and your remains will never be seen again.