King's Lynn
| King's Lynn | |
|---|---|
 | |
| Motto: "I can't read or write, but I can drive a tractor" | |
| Civic anthem: Karma Chameleon | |
| State | (1620-2011) England, (2011-present) Republic of Bumble Bumble |
| Official nickname | "The Paris of East Anglia" |
| Official language(s) | Farmer, Chav, English, Polish |
| Mayor | Stephen Fry |
| Established | 1620 |
| Currency | Bumble Bee |
| Opening hours | none |
King's Lynn is a medium-sized town formerly in the county of Norfolk in eastern England. It is predominately a desolate wasteland with a population of just over 7000. In 2011 it shocked the international community by seceding from the United Kingdom to form its own independent state, the Republic of Bumble Bumble. The origin of this name remains unknown. However the consensus of many learned men from Norfolk is that it is named after the bumble bee, which people in King's Lynn use as a currency after the collapse of the towns economy in 1978, when the town's diamond mine closed down due to lack of success. This was because there are no diamonds beneath King's Lynn. Unfortunately the use of the bumble bee as a currency backfired in 2009 when longer summers along with the huge levels of bumble bees in circulation caused a massive rise in the bee population. Attempts at controlling the population of the bees by assembling a town militia armed with spiders, succeeding in reducing the number of bumble bees, but led to second plague due to the resulting boom in the spider population. The UN has since classified the Bumble Bee Plague of 2009, along with the Spider Plague that followed in early 2010 as "Ecological Disasters". King's Lynn is the capital, largest city, and only settlement in Bumble Bumble. The town also has an active space exploration program, run by the KLSA (King's Lynn Space Agency). The agency has had little success however, during its last attempt at sending men into space the astronauts simply jumped up and down whilst humming the Star Trek: The Next Generation theme tune, in a vague attempt to escape the Earth's atmosphere.
History[edit]
King's Lynn was first settled in 1620, by a small group of tree surgeons. The group were tired of travelling miles from their home in London to their work in Norwich. They decided that the commute was ridiculous and they should build their homes closer to their work, and thus King's Lynn was born. The town remained a relatively unknown, backwater town for the next few centuries until 1874. In 1874 King's Lynn was the site of a large battle fought between the towns population, and an army of evil consisting of zombies, goblins and politicians. The army of evil was led by the Balrog of Moria, and almost succeeded in destroying the town. However disaster stuck for the army of evil when they accidentally disturbed the town's honey farm and were quickly chased away from the town by disgruntled bees. Many historians have theorised that this event is what started the towns obsession with bees.
In 1909 King's Lynn was again invaded, this time by a German expeditionary force. The small German army was tasked with killing all the inhabitants of the town, and then replacing them, thereby forming a small army of sleeper agents. However after arriving in the town the Germans quickly returned home after an evaluation of the town revealed its sanitation facilities were not satisfactory.
In 1959 King's Lynn was attacked by Godzilla and the town was almost entirely destroyed. Godzilla was able to roam around the town destroying property and killing people for a full 2 days before the British army was able to subdue the creature. This incident has led to the inhabitants of King's Lynn being terrified of Godzilla returning, a fear rare for Europe and usually only found in Japan.
Economy[edit]
The inhabitants of King's Lynn are primarily concerned with the acquisition of a vegetable called a butternut squash. The reason for this is that the town's religion states that the only food followers are allowed to consume is this vegetable,(although some less religious inhabitants eat some other kinds of food available on the black market). As a result King's Lynn has many butternut squash farms which employ a large amount of the population, however the biggest employer of the town is the King's Lynn Mint. The town's Mint includes well over a million individual bee-hives, and the workers are tasked with catching individual bees in a net. One caught, a length of string is attached to one of the bee's legs, this allows the inhabitants to carry the bee around and use it as currency.
Due to the towns Mint, King's Lynn has a large and constant surplus of honey. Therefore the town's main export is honey which is traded with England in return for string and tobacco.
The town is famous for its use of bumble bees as a currency, the bees are carried around by the inhabitants on lengths of string. Ten bees are called a "bunch", which is worth approximately one British Pound. Therefore a single bee is worth approximately ten British Pence. This makes it virtually impossible for the inhabitants to buy expensive goods as this would require far more bees than it would be possible to carry at one time. The inhabitants have so far not found a way to solve this problem, some have suggested having a credit based currency, but these people were quickly labelled as "trouble makers" and ignored. The town's currency has also caused serious health repercussions for the inhabitants, the most prevalent cause of death in Kings' Lynn is anaphylactic shock caused by bee stings.
A full list of the units that make up the King's Lynn currency is as follows:
- One Bee: 1 bee
- Half a' Bunch: 5 bees
- One Bunch: 10 bees
- Two Bunches: 20 bees
- Half a' Hive: 50 bees
- One Hive: 100 bees (one Hive is rarely used in everyday life, it is sometimes used by richer inhabitants to purchase property).
Religion[edit]
King's Lynn has it's own religion, a bizarre cult known as "Kyle's Law". The religion is based on the idea that television presenter, Jeremy Kyle, is God. According to the "Book of Kyle's Law", the religion started when two homosexual men from King's Lynn, called Brett and Pedro competed on the Jeremy Kyle Show. During the course of the show Jeremy Kyle predicted that within six months Pedro would break up with Brett. After four months Pedro did terminate his relationship with Brett, this led to the inhabitants of King's Lynn believing that Jeremy Kyle could predict the future and therefore he must be God. Ironically King's Lynn no longer has electricity so the town's population are unable to watch the show anymore. The religion teaches that true followers of "The Lord Kyle, Most Almighty and Merciful God and Creator of all Mankind" should not eat any food other than butternut squash. Nobody knows why.
Religious people in the town have composed many hymns and songs including "Why Didn't Thou Put Something on the End of It?", "Sitting Down on the Stage and Looking Dramatic", "Art Thou Going to Agree to a Lie Detector Test?" and "Stop Swearing on Thy Show". The leader of the "Church of Kyle's Law" is the Mayor of King's Lynn, who is also given the title "Defender of the Faith". The current Defender of the Faith is Stephen Fry.
The town is built on an ancient area of Pagan worship. In the pre-Christian religion of west Norfolk, the site on which King's Lynn is built is said to be the place where Vard, the Pagan god of war, fertility, ale and luxury meats will descend onto the Earth. The legend states he will fight a final apocalyptic battle with Anun, the god of the underworld, death, the afterlife and undomesticated animals. The resulting battle will destroy the entire area and will result in mankind being free from evil. The exact site of Vard's descent onto Earth has been calculated by studying the epic poems and stories of the ancient Britons. The consensus of many experts in ancient British mythology is that the exact site of this event is the King's Lynn bus station.
Politics[edit]
King's Lynn is located in a sovereign nation called the "Republic of Bumble Bumble" (unofficially just "Bumble Bumble"). However in reality King's Lynn is a city-state, as the area claimed by Bumble Bumble consists only of the area that makes up the town of King's Lynn. Nevertheless King's Lynn and Bumble Bumble are legally separate entities. The town's government consists of a legislature known as the KLGC, (King's Lynn General Council). The council is made up of 12 members, 4 are appointed by the Church of Kyle's Law, the other 8 are determined by a contest of worthiness unique to King's Lynn. If a resident of the town decides they want to be on the council they must challenge one of the existing 8 members, (usually an older or more unhealthy member in order to have a greater chance of winning). The two competitors must then get up the next day and come to the council chamber having not eaten or drank anything. The competitors are then required to chain smoke roll-up cigarettes, the contest is determined by which competitor can smoke the most cigarettes before becoming ill from temporary nicotine poisoning. After one competitor has either fainted or is sufficiently nauseas as to render them unable to continue, the discarded cigarette butts are counted and whichever competitor has smoked the most wins the competition, and is appointed to the council. The Mayor of King's Lynn is the member of the council that holds the record for smoking the most cigarettes in their competition of worthiness. The current mayor is Stephen Fry.
Under King's Lynn law bees are legally equal to humans and have the same rights. Therefore bees can be members of the General Council, but as they are unable to smoke cigarettes they are appointed under different circumstances to humans. The law is that if a bee flies into the council chamber the council members must stand up and closely observe it. If the bee simply flies out of the chamber then the council carries on as before, however if the bee lands on the chair of a council member (including the Mayor), it immediately replaces that member and assumes all tasks previously the responsibility of the member it has replaced. The most notable occasion on which this occurred was in October 2011, when a bee became "Finance Minister of King's Lynn", after replacing that member on the council. Remarkably the bee did this job better than its predecessor, and failed to bankrupt the town once during its time in office. The bee became a town hero and was named "Barnabas". Unfortunately disaster struck just 4 months into his tenure when Barnabas was stepped on and killed by another member of the council. Some citizens suspected that Barnabas was assassinated, however his death was ruled "accidental" by the town coroner. He was replaced as Finance Minister by former Formula One driver David Coulthard.
As well as a Mayor and the General Council, there is also a "President of Bumble Bumble" who serves as the head of state. The President's identity is secret however, and it is believed that if the public find out who it is the Lord Kyle (God), will destroy the Earth. Western journalists have infiltrated King's Lynn, and believe that the mysterious President of Bumble Bumble is either television actor Brent Spiner or Pope Benedict XVI.
In February 2012 the King's Lynn General Council (KLGC) approved a coat of arms for the town. The coat of arms depicts Jeremy Kyle (God), over a background of Butternut squash. The town name is written underneath the depiction of Jeremy Kyle, and underneath is the town's nickname "The Paris of East Anglia" on a field of blue.
King's Lynn is twinned with the cities of Hogsmeade, Mos Eisley, Huddersfield, and P'yongyang.
Sport[edit]
Sport is a hugely popular activity in King's Lynn. The town's most popular sport is "Hurling", this is not to be confused with the Irish sport of the same name. In King's Lynn's version of hurling, two competitors stand next to a main road armed with several butternut squash each. The object of the game is to wait for a bus to drive past and then throw a butternut squash against the side of the bus, in an attempt to break one of its windows and shower the passengers with glass. It is rare for either competitor to succeed in doing this however, and most matches end in a draw.
Association Football is also popular in King's Lynn. The town's most widely supported team is the King's Lynn Spuds. The Spuds rose to national fame during the 2000-2001 season when they became to only English club to lose every match of their entire season, (a feat they repeated 10 times over the next decade). They also made national news in 2011 when they lost to Manchester United Ladies Under-9 Reserves 398-0, a world record in association football for the largest defeat of all time.
Aside from Hurling and Football the other widely played sport is Quidditch, identical to the sport of the same name played in Harry Potter. The inhabitants of King's Lynn have managed to discover how to make a broomstick levitate. They have also used this technology to create levitating balls, including a "Quaffle" and a "Golden Snitch". There are 4 Quidditch teams in King's Lynn, the teams compete in the annual King's Lynn championship to win the "Barnabas Trophy". The trophy was named in honour of Barnabas, the former Finance Minister. The holders of the Barnabas Trophy are the North Lynn Latvians.
Places of Interest[edit]
There are many places of interest to visit in King's Lynn, they are listed below:
- The King's Lynn Market. The town's market offers a wide variety of butternut squash in differant shapes and sizes.
- The King's Lynn Spuds Stadium. The town's stadium is the home of the local association football team.
- The Tomb of Barnabas. The monument dedicated to Barnabas, the town's hero, is extremely popular.
- King's Lynn Zoo. The local zoo is mentioned in "The AA Guide to British Zoos", as the worst zoo in the world, it has only one animal, a dog named Christopher.
- The KLSA Space Centre. The town's space centre is a local landmark.
- The KLGC Headquarters. The headquarters of the town's General Council is one of the most impressive buildings in the town. A wooden building complete with glass windows, unfortunately the roof collapsed in and has never been replaced.
- The Central Church. The Central Church is the headquarters of the Church of Kyle's Law and many of the towns concerts are played here.
Independence and Advertising Deal with North Korea[edit]
In March 2011 the British parliament passed a new bill declaring Kyle's Law a "cult". In response the inhabitants of King's Lynn rioted, and marched on London. The town's inhabitants demanded that the bill be reversed and Kyle's Law be declared a religion. When the British parliament refused, notable King's Lynn resident Morpheus Ping suggested the town declare independence. His words have become legend in the town, "are we to remain in a blasphemous nation that refuses to worship our lord Jeremy Kyle? I say no! Join me, and we can build a better King's Lynn, a religious and sovereign King's Lynn". The towns inhabitants sided with Ping, and declared King's Lynn to be in a new independent state, the Republic of Bumble Bumble. Britain had been paying a small fortune in providing the inhabitants of King's Lynn with welfare for years, and the use of the bumble bee as a currency by the town's inhabitants was threatening to devalue the British Pound, so in the end Britain simply let King's Lynn leave the United Kingdom.
In April 2012 King's Lynn was facing bankruptcy, so the General Council decided that emergency measures had to be taken. The Home Affairs Minister, a bee named Edmund was tasked with coming up with a plan. It was decided that King's Lynn should join a new country as it was unable to continue on its own. Religion Minister, Doctor Rowan Williams, suggested a map be placed in front of Edmund, and whichever country he landed on King's Lynn would join. This led to an embarrassing and ironic incident when Edmund landed on England, the very country King's Lynn had declared itself independent from. Nevertheless King's Lynn asked England if they could rejoin the country. Faced with having to pay a fortune to fix a small, bizarre and annoying town, England said no. King's Lynn was forced to continue as an independent country. In late April 2012 the General Council came up with a new plan to repair the town's finances by selling advertising rights on the town's road signs. A deal was reached with North Korean leader Kim Jong-un to display advertising for North Korea on all the town's road signs.
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