Balrog
“YOU SHALL NOT PASS SHIT FACE”
“Roll out the Balrog, Roll out the Balrog today”
The Balrog is a bat-winged demon from Ages Past who fights with Gandalf on what had been a stone bridge in the Lord of the Rings. He/she/it burns off Gandalf the Grey but 'dies' in the end. Its only recorded dialogue is "URRRGHHH" when it first spies the Fellowship team, "ARRRRGHHHHH" when it swwings its sword at Gandalf and "AIYEEEEEEE" when the Balrog falls into the abyss with the wizard.
Origins[edit]
The Balrog is a creature from the First Age, a servant of Melkor/Morgoth. Their gender is never determined but they are Maiar fire spirits who got corrupted. They have names but were apparently wiped out when Morgoth was cast into the void (otherwise known as Detroit) for eternity. However, at least one Balrog got away. It slipped between rock strata and stayed entombed for the next seven thousand years.
There it stayed until in the early Third Age when the dwarves of Khazad-dum dug too deep for precious minerals and awoke the beast. Angry that it had missed so much fun, the Balrog went on a destruction bender and drove the dwarves out. It then retreated to its own room in the giant stone carved city. Eventually orcs moved in, thinking the Balrog would offer them security against their enemies. The dwarves made one major comeback but were killed off. The Balrog let the orcs and dwarves get on with it; it had a low opinion of its putative subjects.
There is no record of the Balrog trying to liaise with fellow evil beings like Smaug the dragon or Sauron, even though the latter was also a former sinister work colleague of Morgoth. This reticence may owe to language differences, the Balrog famously having none at all. Its only utterance is noted at the start of this article, and it clearly did not take the meaning of, "You Shall Not Pass!" So we shall never know if it was pride that made the Balrog prefer its own company and incinerate orcs that displeased it.
This weird half-life for the monster ended when Gandalf and the Fellowship took a shortcut through Moria and the hobbits predictably started dropping candy wrappers into Moria's deeper pits. The Balrog sensed that at last these were enemies worth getting out of bed for. It confronted Gandalf on the bridge. The wizard said his piece, the Balrog char-broiled him with his awful breath, and both fell through a hole in the bridge.
Flying[edit]
It has often been debated by Lord of the Rings nerds scholars whether or not Balrogs have wings. Nerds Scholars who support the side of winged balrogs often cite a statement from the Fellowship of the Rings, "...suddenly it drew itself up to a great height, and its wings were spread from wall to wall..." (The Fellowship of the Ring, Book II, Chapter 5 - The Bridge of Khazad-dûm). However, nerds scholars opposing this the wings theory claim that the word "wings" in this quote refers to the simile comparing the shadow surrounding the Balrog to wings. In addition, there have been two instances where Balrogs have fallen great distances to their death. Obviously they haven't seen the movie.
Death[edit]
Though the Balrog and Gandalf fell into a huge underground ocean they carried on battling in a bad game of hide and seek. We as readers don't actually see that in the books as the tale is told by Gandalf to explain his radiant white complexion and new wizard gear. The Balrog, nameless to the last, dies on a mountain top. Though as a spirit, one presumes it ends up in the same void as Morgoth.
This Creature May take the form of one of your Friends[edit]
Characteristics of said friend-turned-balrog
- They break all assortments of glass objects (mirrors, aviators etc...)
- They always have ready argument that you did not in fact just see a firey whip in their locker
- They may take as a mate one who is so completely obsessed in nerdish pursuits (such as world of warcraft) this is so they will not be able to notice their more balrog-like states which periodically shine through
- They take up sports such as fencing to hone their skills with owning noobs
They have one weakness however so do not despair, They are completely disarmed by a simple tim horton's caramel filled donut in the face, in combination with their attacker saying "surprise"
It is advisable that if you see a friend of yours exhibiting such symptoms that you either subscribe to Oscar Wilde's magazine for advice on the subject or keep a ready supply of caramel filled donuts.
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