- WARNING: While most people can enjoy this article as a piece of comedy, it does require some cursory knowledge of J.R.R. Tolkien's mythology, specifically that which is detailed in The Silmarillion, to fully grasp the inane and half-baked jokes. You have been warned. However, to aid those that have not read the book, I have made a semi-serious and half-baked section that should help them with terminology and background.
“Yea, I'd hit that.”
Illuvatar Goldberg is an observent Hasiddic Jew and also happens to be the God of the Universe. From him alone can be granted the Secret Fire, a non-fatty nucleic acid that grants free will and a taste for jazz. Any being that tries to play God and create life can not grant free will, and so that created object will only move and speak when its master wills it too. They will also dislike listening to jazz and detest Kenny G.
Of the Ainur
First of all beings created by Illuvatar were the Valar and the Maiar; collectively called the Ainur. It is said by the wise that the Ainur were created in a secret lab in the suburbs of Townsville. Details are sketchy at best, but it is generally believed that Illuvatar combined sugar, spice, and everything nice; but during the process, accidentally added Chemical X, a radioactive and highly illegal substance derived from the DNA of deceased Polynesian children. General consensus puts forward that Chemical X gave the Ainur superhuman ability and rugged good-looks; comparative to the beings called angels in the Jewish and Christian faith. After the world was created as the result of the Great Jazz Festival, a handful of the Ainur came down into it to shape it and guide it to prepare it for the coming of Elves, Men, and Dwarves.
Of the Valar
The most powerful and good-looking of the Ainur are the Valar (sing.: Vala). The Kings of the Valar and the Queens (called the Valier) are listed below in the order of the power,from the greatest to the least. Morgoth was once more powerful than all of them combined (some would say because of steroid abuse), but is no longer considered part of their order.
The Lords of the Valar
The Queens of the Valar
Of the Maiar
The less powerful and less good-looking (but still mighty in both) are the Maiar (sing.: Maia). The Maiar are usually grudging servants to the Valar who continually demand pay raises, but never get them. Most famous of these beings are Gandalf, Saruman, and Sauron. All three of them refuse to do windows.
Morgoth Bauglir (born Levi Goldberg; 0 B.C. (Before Crap) - Not yet dead; chief antagonist in the unapproved biography The Silmarillion, written by ruffian and used-car salesman J.R.R. Tolkien) is the illegitimate child of IlÃºvatar Goldberg and New York Senator Hilary Clinton. The exact details of his conception are a closely held secret, although there is an unvalidated rumor that it somehow involved a safety pin and a dough roller. Regardless, it is widely accepted that Morgoth (literally translated 'He who wets in the night' in the native Valinorian tongue of Jatizso) is the most gifted child of the One; if by 'gifted' you mean 'egotistical, sadistic, arragant, all-around Liberal Democrat jackass'. Morgoth lived in the Timeless Halls with his father, the God of the Universe, before ultimately being exiled in the Outer Void. It is prophisied that he will one day return to the world to wreck havoc in one final battle, named Dagor Dagorath, and to eat the world's supply of hotdogs; thus causing a global famine.
Big, hairy, and smells like stewed cabbage. The previously believed description of Morgoth "...as a mountain that wades in the sea and has its head above the clouds and is clad in ice and crowned with smoke and fire; and the light of the eyes of Melkor was like a flame that withers with heat and pierces with a deadly cold," is now generally considered propaganda misinformation from the Bauglir Estate.
The Terrible Two's
As any mother will tell you, a child becomes increasingly difficult and rebellious once they reach the tender year of two (billion), which was shown on Nanny 911 when ManwÃ«, an insecure, spoiled brat decided to steal Sauron's ring and shove it in the you-know-what. Morgoth was no different. Regarded as the neighborhood truant by his fellow Valar (known for their Conservative Christian values and good-ol'-fashion home cooking), it would not be unheard of to learn that the revered statue of Huan, the personal pet hound of IlÃºvatar, had its head once again stolen, or Gandalf's personal stash of pipe-weed was swapped with a few handfuls of Poison Ivy. Gandalf later commented on the incident to Rosie O'Donnell:
“It was horrible. I couldn't breathe unaided for three months, my face looked like somebody painted Bob the Tomato a sickly-pale purple, and I had pipe-weed withdrawals like nobody's business. But I got back at him when I put a laxative in his lembas.”
Morgoth spent the early years of his life studying at the ill-funded and questionable Walkerville Elementary School. His teacher, Ms. Frizzle, routinely subjected her pupils to diabolical experiments in the name of science. Some of these experiments were preserved in the infamous book, I Knew I Should Have Stayed Home Today: A Survivor's Tale, written by former pupil Arnold Perlstein. The book focuses on the four-years of history known as The Frizzlecaust. An exceprt from its horroring chapters is shown below:
- "CHAPTER 5: The day began just as any other day. Ms. Frizzle, or the Angel of Death as we have come to call her, walked in through the door wearing a dress bedecked in stylized sketches of the Ebola virus. Her students, or rather prisoners, know what kind of day it will be by what dress she is wearing. We all turn pale . . .
CHAPTER 7: Oh my God, it was horrible! Just horrible! They're dead. Phoebe and Wanda are dead! Ms. Frizzle had used one of her unholy contraptions to shrink Wanda Li to the size of a man's thumb and marinated her in teriyaki sauce to feed to her pet lizard, Liz. She said she wanted to know if reptiles liked eating Chinese food. She said, 'As my Aunt Minerva used to say: "There's nothing more marvelous than blood!"' While most of the class looked on in stunned silence, Phoebe suddenly shrieked, 'That's not how we did things at my old school!' The Angel of Death then turned on her. Pastry dough. Pasty dough and cocoanuts everywhere! Simply everwhere! They will haunt my dreams forever. I knew I should have stayed home today!."
While Ms. Frizzle later had her teaching license revoked and now spends the rest of her life in the supermaximum security United States Penitentiary in Marion, Illinois; it may be no wonder to see how Morgoth may have turned from simply a bad apple to a power-hungry tyrant under her tutelage. Following this experiance, Morgoth was immediately homeschooled.
Following the Frizzlecaust, Morgoth was homeschooled with his brother, ManwÃ«, by their father, IlÃºvatar. Their mother, Hilary Clinton, had left the family a year before to 'pursue my political destiny and to get a place that didn't smell like stewed cabbage'. During this time, Morgoth and ManwÃ« became teenagers (thirteen billion years old) and both took polar-opposite directions in life. On one side, ManwÃ« was the model student (studying, acing all his tests, and popping the pimples on his father's back without protest) with aspirations to rule the world under a firm, yet benevolent hand. Morgoth, however, all but abandoned his studies and took to reading revolutionary literature and developed a knack for death metal and, of all things, bluegrass. His family began to have real concerns when ManwÃ« came across this confusing and dark excerpt from his diary (ManwÃ« denies to this day that he was spying . . . ):
- All that smells is not litter,
- not all drunks on the streets are lost,
- my revenge shall be cruel and bitter,
- Dickinson pwns Robert Frost.
- From the ashes of Valinor shall be woken,
- Oscar Wilde from the whorehouse shall spring.
- Renewed shall be Frizzlecaust that was ended,
- Chuck Norris again shall be king.
Fearing something was seriously wrong with his son, IlÃºvatar forced his son to appear together on Dr. Phil's talk-show to try to smooth things over. An excerpt of the show's transcript has been provided by Peteski Productions, Inc.:
- DR. PHIL:Welcome back to the show. Mr. Goldberg, tell me about your son.
- ILÃVATAR: Well, Dr. Phil, it seems like my son has ceased to listen to me. He's introverted, border-line emo, and he listens to bluegrass nonstop. Something has to be done before, say, I don't know, he tries to kill all life on Earth that does not bow down to him.
- DR. PHIL: Morgoth? Your responce?
- MORGOTH: <looks the other way, arms folded>
- DR. PHIL: You know, Morgoth, we having a saying in Texas. 'He who does not speak when spoken to will get a cap busted in their grill'.
- MORGOTH: And we have a saying in the Timeless Halls Doctor Phil: 'He whose head looks like a watermelon with a mustache will find himself in the bowels of my underground fotress, mining ore with the pointy thing on their toothbrush to fuel my war-machine before ultimately having their lifeless corpse thrown within my furnaces and their smoke shall ascend into the heavens before being blown away on the Eastern Wind, utterly forgotten and defeated.'
Dr. Phil has yet to finish his therapy.
Gothmog: Lord of Balrogs, and Morgoth's son with the ogress Ulbandi. He's basically the loyal General to the Dark Lord.
Ungoliant: The first giant spider ever. She was Morgoth's pet (and possibly his girlfriend). She lusted for Light to satisfy her famine-like hunger. She was basically the female companion to the villain.
The History of Arda
Jazzlindale (The Great Jazz Festival)
Life continued normally, alebit bumpily, for the Goldberg family until 0 B.C. It was on this date that IlÃºvatar called together all the Ainur around his throne. Once they were assembled, he told them that the time had come for the formation of the world (called Arda) which would be the habitation of his soon-to-be revealed creations, Elves and Men. Because he was way too lazy to do it himself, he told them all it would be their responsibility to do it. To that end, he instructed the Valar and the Maiar that the world would be created as a result of their putting on the 'bestest, greatest, and most foot-tapping jazz sensation EVA!'. Morgoth, who detested jazz and loved death metal and bluegrass, saw his opportunity to ruin the Great Jazz Festival and, as a result of the chaos he would cause, marr the perfect vision of Arda that his father had. And so it started. And it went a little something like this.
- ILÃVATAR: Ahem.
- AINUR: Wow! Existence!
- ILÃVATAR: *blows pitch pipe* LA!
- AINUR: LA LA LA!
- ILÃVATAR: LA LA!
- AINUR: LA LA!
- MORGOTH: This sucks. BUM BUM BA DUM!
- AINUR: Um. . . la?
- ILÃVATAR: Ahem. LA!
- MORGOTH: Boop bop-a-doo-bop!
- ILÃVATAR: LA, d*mmit.
- MORGOTH: Bwam bardle ningle boom.
- AINUR: . . .
- ILÃVATAR: Right, you're out of the band.
- MORGOTH: Fine, I was leaving anyway.
- AINUR: . . .
- ILÃVATAR: What are you waiting for?
- AINUR: Oh. Right. Newly created world. Sorry. Great jam session, big guy!
- ILÃVATAR: Yeesh.
And so it came to pass that Arda was created. But due to the confusion caused by Morgoth, imperfection, death, and woe came into the world. No longer welcome by the Ainur or by his father, Morgoth was exiled into the Outer Void for the first time and took upon the last name Bauglir, which is to say 'Jazz Slayer' in Jatizso. Imbittered by his exile, Morgoth made it his life's goal to ruin the works of the Ainur spirits that went into the newly-created world in hopes of making it ready for the coming of Elves and Men.
The Valar and Their Roles in Arda
As was said before, when Arda was created the most powerful of the Valar and the Valier decided to take upon themselves the responsibility of shaping Arda into what we know as Earth. Each of them specialized in a very specific facet of Arda (the wind, the water, the rocks, etc). A summary of what role each Vala and his Queen played is shown below.
ManwÃ« SÃºlimo and Varda ElentÃ¡ri
ManwÃ« SÃºlimo is the brother of Morgoth in the mind of the One and only slightly less powerful than the 'Jazz Slayer'. Nevertheless, the headship of the Valar in Arda and the kingship of the new world was given to ManwÃ«, to the ire of Morgoth. In the blessed realm of Valinor, the habitation of the Valar on Earth, ManwÃ« resides with Varda, his wife, upon the holy mountain of Taniquetil (roughly translated 'Holy Crap, Batman, That's a Big Mountain' in Jatizso), the highest peak by far in the world. It is said that while Varda is by her husband, she hears everything from the loudest roar to the meekest squeak (some would say because ManwÃ« always remembers to bring a spare pair of hearing aids that Varda left at home), and when ManwÃ« stands by Varda, he sees further than all other eyes, mortal or divine, through mist, and through darkness, and over the leagues of the sea (the same people would say because she always brings his reading glasses along that he left on the side table).
In Earth, ManwÃ« SÃºlimo controls the wind, the Breath of Arda as he likes to say ('Because he's so dang melodramatic,' lamented Varda), and commands the Great Eagles(in his origin ManwÃ« was an insecure brat which caused him to loose the leadership to his brother Melkor, but he earned it back because of his talent in Jazz), and they are indeed great. Boasting wingspans of thirty fathoms (55 metres, or 180 feet for you plebians out there), some speculate that ManwÃ« slips steroids in their morning breakfast of worm and seed. ManwÃ« vehemently denies this accusation to this day, although he curiously always winks to the camera afterwards.
Varda ElentÃ¡ri is the Queen of the Stars. In the unfathomable years of her labor, she created the stars from the dew of the Two Trees, and to her, the Elves cry to in need. Her beauty can not be put into words, for the beauty of Eru still shines upon her face. Her various other names include Varda Elbereth (which means Star-Lady), Gilthoniel, the Star-Kindler, and most commonly by Elven males 'Hot Tamale'. When the dangers and weariness of the world weigh especially heavily on the Elves (which happens a lot because they tend to be emo), they would cry out into the heavens:
- Ai! Elbereth, Gilthoniel!
- by Lego--- (and here the name is smudged on the original manuscript)
- Fanuilos heryn aglar (Snow White! Snow White! O Lady Clear!)
- RÃ®n athar annÃºn-aearath (O Queen who sits on her throne)
- Calad ammen i reniar (O Starkindler lend us thine ear)
- Mi 'aladhremmin ennorath! (Kill those Dwarves, crafters of stone.)
- A Elbereth Gilthoniel (Gilthoniel! O Elbereth!)
- I chÃ®n a thÃ»l lin mÃriel (Sexy is thine body, and sweet is thine breath)
- Fanuilos le linnathon (Snow-white! Snow-White! We cry to thee)
- Ne ndor haer thar i aearon. (The dwarf ate my lembas! Confounded Gimli!)
- A elin na gaim eglerib (O hand of thine that sown the stars,)
- Ned Ã®n ben-anor trerennin (throw one down upon his head.)
- Si silivrin ne pherth 'waewib (And may it be as big as Mars)
- Cenim lyth thÃlyn thuiennin. (So I mayest know that he is dead)
- A Elbereth Gilthoniel (O Elbereth! Gilthoniel!)
- Men echenim sÃ derthiel (We still remember, we who dwell)
- Ne chaered hen nu 'aladhath (In Elrond's Halls, in Rivendell,)
- Ngilith or annÃºn-aearath. (that Gimli dost smell.)
Ulmo, the Lord of Waters
Ulmo is the brother of ManwÃ« and is not espoused. Known as the King of the Sea and the Lord of Waters, Ulmo commands the oceans, rivers, and streams of the world. It is because of the seemingly untamed nature of the sea and the Power that resides in it (namely, Ulmo), the servants of Morgoth refuse to even near the shore unless under great need. While the rest of the Valar spent the majority of their time living in peace in heavenly Valinor, Ulmo rarely comes out of the ocean unless a great issue presses. He is characterized by having a scaley appearance like a fish, and the rising of Ulmo out of the Sea is a awesome and terrible thing to behold, mostly because he takes to wearing a Speedo (a terrible, terrible thing to behold, mind you).
While the Noldor and Men lived in exile from the Valar (which will be described in greater detail later), Ulmo still took pity on them and would aid them at times. He would always bring to ManwÃ« news of the dire situation that they lived in under the tyranny of Morgoth and would continually urge the Valar to take pity on them and to overthrow Morgoth. While his urgings came to nothing, Ulmo ultimately brought about the downfall of the Dark Lord, which we shall learn about in the near future.
AulÃ« the Smith and Yavanna KementÃ¡ri
AulÃ« the Smith is the spouse of Yavanna and, as his name might suggest, is mostly concerned with metals and the fashioning thereof. His province is the rocks, gems, and metals of Arda; namely the very stuff that the world is made of. AulÃ«, like Morgoth, loves to create things, but unlike Morgoth, AulÃ« continually moves from one project to the next, creating them for the mere pleasure of invention, free of the mastership and corruption that Morgoth desires in his own perversions. So great was the skill of AulÃ«, that he was named Time's Smith of the Year; beating out Malachi Goldsmith, who is renowned for, uh, smithing gold (you moron), the various armourers in World of Warcraft who fix your stuff for you, and Agent Smith from the Matrix trilogy. It was AulÃ« who fashioned Angainor, the chain that bound Morgoth for three long ages. Oops, uh, I guess I should have said SPOILER ALERT. My bad.
AulÃ« is also famed for creating the Dwarves in his impatience for the coming of Elves and Men. When his task was finished, IlÃºvatar confronted AulÃ« and asked him why he did this thing and said that only He could give free will to a being. Since the Dwarves were not created by the One, they would only move and act when AulÃ« would wish them too and mostly importantly: would hate jazz, just like the perverted creations of Morgoth. AulÃ«, in genuine repentence, realized his error said that it was a mere act of a child mimicking his father and that, if it would please Him, he would destroy the Dwarves with his mighty hammer. And, weeping as he did so, he bore aloft his hammer to crush the Dwarves. The Dwarves sued for mercy at the feet of AulÃ«, their maker, and IlÃºvatar said, 'See now that your creatures have a will of their own? I have granted your unspoken request and redeemed your misguided actions, but this I will not suffer: that the Dwarves should come before the Elves and that when they live together, they will continually be at odds with one another.' And so the Dwarves were put to sleep and frozen in a secret kryogenic lab, and AulÃ« went on his way pleased with his father's judgement.
Espoused to AulÃ« is Yavanna KementÃ¡ri, the Queen of the Earth. Her sphere is the growing things of Arda: the grass, the bushes, the flowers, and most dearest to her heart: the trees. She is the hippy of the Valar and takes to literally hugging trees. From her prayer to the One for the protection of the defenceless trees from reckless foresters, the Ents were created. The Ents, giant tree-like creatures, later banded together under the leadership of Treebeard to form the radical Enviroment Liberation Front (ELF), the Fish and Wildlife Service, and the offshoot People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA).
OromÃ« the Hunter and VÃ¡na the Ever-Young
One of the most dogged foes of Morgoth was OromÃ«, who is called the Huntsman of the Valar. While the Earth still lay in darkness (for the Sun and Moon had not yet come to pass) and the beasts and monsters of Morgoth roamed the land, OromÃ« would ride at times on Nahar, his great steed, madly blowing his trumpet in fast pursuit to slay these creatures. In great fear of the mighty Valar, the Orcs and other such perversions would depart far away in haste and hide themselves. While the Elves were at first fearful of the Great Hunter, they knew that when they heard his trumpet-calls, the land was free of evil for a time. Despite some credible claims that it was Morgoth who first came upon the newly-awakened Elves, OromÃ« was undoubtedly the first Power on the side of good who at unawares came upon them singing upon the shores of CuiviÃ©nen, but that story is for another time. OromÃ« was also the founder of the National Rifle Association (the NRA) and an avid detractor of gun control laws. He was rumored to say in front of Congress, "you will pry my bow out of my cold, dead hands".
Married to OromÃ« is VÃ¡na, who is called the Ever-Young. There's not much to say about her save that flowers would spring magically in the grass and birds would sing at her passing. Greatly interested in visions of a bumber-crop, gardeners convinced VÃ¡na to relinquish a sample of her foot-sweat for scientific study to see what combination of chemicals could achieve such a miracle. It was part-time botanist and full-time scientist, Dr. Chaim Pedolieber, who cracked the code of the spontaneous blooming flowers and, with VÃ¡na's permission, bottled his elixer 'Foot-On' with the annoying and homicidal-inducing tagline: Foot-On: Apply directly to your garden. Foot-On: Apply directly to your garden. 'Foot-On: Apply directly to your garden. Foot-On: Apply directly to your garden. Foot-On: Apply directly to your garden. Foot-On: Apply directly to your garden.' The now rich and successful Dr. Pedolieber has moved onto his next project: a rub-on relief for migraines.
Mandos the Doomsman and VairÃ« the Weaver
Mandos holds the title of Doomsmen of the Valar and keeps the spirits of deceased Elves and Men in his Halls. As Doomsmen, Mandos fortells the future at the behest of ManwÃ« alone. On the side, Mandos publishes novelty horoscropes in The Valinor Weekly newspaper, and writes the fortunes in Hwang Wo's Chinese Food and Brake and Axel Service fortune cookies. While he is known as Mandos, Mandos is rightly the name of the place where he lives. His true name is NÃ¡mo. Gay, isn't it? He thought so too, so he stuck with Mandos.
Mandos is wedded to VairÃ«, who is known as the Weaver. The reason being, VairÃ« loves to knit, knit, knit storied tapestries that tells the history of the the world up to that time while watching her soaps (most notably Days of Our Lives). She hangs these tapestries in the Halls of Mandos, where the spirits of the dead are kept, so that they may see what is going on without them.
LÃ³rien, Lord of Forests
Tulkas the Champion
Supposed to be the strongest amongst the Valar. Defeated Morgoth in a wrestling match. Later arrested for the use of banned drugs for having the so called Super-Strength. As a punishment forced to marry.
Valaquenta (Of the Works of the Valar and Maiar in Arda)
The Years of the Trees (14,395 years before the First Age)
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- "Practical Jokers and You". The Rosie O'Donnel Show. By Rosie O'Donnel. the Grey, Gandalf. Smeagol. McGee, Pants. NBC, San Francisco. 12 Sept. 2005.
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- "Hilary Clinton Campaign for Change" television ad. CNN. 17 Jun. 1553 B.C.
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