Bilbo Baggins

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Beloved children's literary character, Bilbo Baggins.

“ Why didn't you take the damn giant bird?”

~ Bilbo Baggins on Frodo Baggins

Bilbo Baggins (or Dildo Faggins for the immature among us) is the protagonist of J.R.R. Tolkien's The Hobbit, a children's pop up book he wrote as a prequel to The Lord of the Rings, in the hopes to make the latter more palatable to the semi-literate Dungeons and Dragons nerds who are his target audience.

All the critics gave the book poor reviews, but it enjoys being in print still, mostly because the publishers change the cover art every couple of years to trick the public into thinking that they're purchasing a different book.


Tolkien describes Bilbo, more or less, as being a horrible little rat-like creature that lives in a burrow set deep into a hillside, far below where respectable people live. His clothing, obviously slept in, is suited for his favorite activity, lounging around at home smoking the halfling leaf. He's always walking around barefoot, his hair is greasy and it looks like he hasn't washed in forever.

This is fairly typical for all hobbits, however, and the only truly remarkable thing about Bilbo is that he is in his forties, where as the average hobbit lifespan is closer to that of your common garden variety rodent.


"Do they seriously have tea in Middle Earth?" Bilbo Baggins asked Tolkein.

The Hobbit[edit]

Bilbo is spending a lovely night at home, when there is a knocking at his door. No sooner does he answer then he is hit in the head with a cudgel and shoved into a burlap sack. Later, upon awakening, the hobbit finds himself surrounded by a bunch of mandolin-wielding dwarves. The wizard Gandalf is also there and explains that this is the only group of dwarven bards in the whole of Middle Earth, shunned by all the rest of the dwarves, who refuse to take levels in any class other than fighter or cleric. They were on their way to jack some dragon for his treasure, planning to use the funds to start their own bardic college, when after a couple of random encounters they realized that a party composed entirely of dwarven bards is completely useless. They've already recruited Gandalf with promises that he has dibs on all the magic items, but still needed a thief, which Bilbo obviously was since he was a halfling. Bilbo couldn't argue with this, and after being hit in the head with mandolins for several minutes happily agreed to join their quest, in exchange for full party shares of treasure for himself and his donkey.

From that point on they had many boring adventures, including, but not limited to:

  • The encounter with the trolls, wherein many of the dwarven bards were eaten. Bilbo mostly just watches, but afterwards enacts a daring rescue plan that involves getting the trolls stoned. Unfortunately, this gives the trolls the munchies, and they eat the rest of the dwarven bards. Gandalf casts Melf's Acid Arrow at the trolls until they die, and then he and Bilbo drag what is left of the dwarves to the nearest temple to get raised, after having grabbed all the best treasure for themselves.
  • The encounter with goblins, wherein the peaceful and friendly creatures invite the party into their community, only to have Gandalf kill their king for the experience points. The dwarves lay into the rest of the unarmed goblins with their mandolins, and somehow Bilbo is pushed into a well/cesspool. After being deposited in the goblins' sewer, Bilbo meets Gollum, the Prophet of Sauron, possessor of the Holiest One Ring, who offers to join Bilbo in a friendly riddle game. Bilbo agrees, and then promptly proceeds to cheat the prophet out of all of his possessions, and kicking him in the crotch before running off laughing. This nets him the One Ring those other books go on about, but to this day he swears he found it in a Cracker Jack box.
  • Gandalf leaves the party to solo, and soon after they're arrested by the wood elves for setting forest fires. In an amazing display of thuggery, Bilbo carries out his plan to free the dwarves, which involves shady lawyer practices, grassroot campaigns denouncing the dwarves' imprisonment, heartwarming 'triumph of the dwarven spirit' TV movies, but mostly getting the elven screws at the prison drunk and then crotch kicking them into submission.
"Welcome Bilbo, to Middle Earth MkII."

Finally, the group reaches the dragon's lair where Bilbo covers the remaining dwarven bards in arsenic and tricks them into charging the dragon so that they may 'set up the sneak attack' for him. The dragon eats all of the bards and goes off on an after dinner flight, before the poison finally kicks in and kills it, resulting in the corpse crashing into and destroying a nearby laketown. Bilbo laughs while loading up his mule with treasure, and that's when Gandalf returns in a cheesy puff of smoke. He joins the hobbit in laughing at the carnage, and then collects his share of the loot before taking off. In the end, Bilbo rides back to his rat hole, richer than sin, and returns to his simple life of pipeweed fueled rage.

After the Quest[edit]

After Bilbo's encounter with Gollum the Great Prophet, Sauron the Holy God who created the One Ring, took an immediate disliking to Bilbo and his pesky little nephew, Frodo, and attempted to kill them by sending out his soulless wraiths. However, Frodo marched right into Sauron's palace and tried to destroy Sauron's wedding ring! But the prophet Gollum wouldn't stand for that, no precious, not at all. Gollum, in his last act to try to save the Ring, ultimately was pushed into the volcano. When Sauron's wife found out he had lost her wedding ring, she destroyed Mordor and took away Sauron's physical form, forcing him to live as nothing more than a little voice in the wind.

After returning from his adventure, Bilbo's prospect of continuing his so called "simple life" was tarnished for a number of short years. With his newly acquired riches, Bilbo went to go party in Hollywood with all the other rich bastards. His nights were consisted of partying it up in rave clubs, snorting coke off of random prostitutes breasts and even getting hammered with Chris Brown, which led to a late night Marijuana induced bet to see who could beat the shit out of Rihanna while she was chained to snooker table. He was able to escape the scrutiny that fallowed and allowed Brown to take the fall. Delving further into endless debauchery of drugs and alcohol, Bilbo continued his wild nights with various celebrities eventually earning the name Yolo Swggins, even latter appearing in a rap video with Leonard Nimoy entitled "The Ballad of Bilbo Swaggins - Ft. G-Spock." Eventually Bilbo's imaged became tarnished my the media, which lead to a pissed off Gandalf having to cancel his vacation to Bangkok and haul Bilbo into rehab.

Later Years[edit]

After getting clean, Bilbo eventually left the Swaggin's life behind and returned to his boring-ass life in the Shire. He later wound up having to raise his wimpy nephew Frodo. Bilbo pursued writing a book about his days in Hollywood, even being offered an interview with MTV about his escapades. Unfortunately, his agent advised against it and suggested he write a book about his journey with the Dwarves. So Bilbo wrote the book, became addicted to his ring like your typical Crackwhores, gave it up and then was hustled across the sea to a nursing home by the elves.

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