Mordor Jalapeños

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“/me squints dramatically.”

~ Gandalf on Mordor Jalapeños

Red Mordor Jalapeños, in the Lord of the Rings trilogy, are said to be grown in the turgid and unholy soil of Mordor, just off Route 4. Though perhaps not the most interesting part of Mordor, they were apparently interesting enough to have been mentioned a whopping five times in the LotR trilogy. In Tolkien's universe, the Mordor Jalapeño is claimed to be the hottest object in existence, even hotter than Sauron's solid gold, double-necked guitar... even hotter than Arwen. Although not mentioned in the movie, the Mordor Jalapeño is mentioned once in the blooper reel of the 407 hour Ultraplatinum Edition DVD Collection.

Although everything else from Mordor -- including their exotic dancers, computers, and economy station wagons -- are not very high quality according to the trilogy, the "Jalapenos of Mordor" were rated "excellent" by the Middle Earth Times.

The Birth of the Mordor Jalapeño

Terranious, elder lord of the Gerbasags, wrapped in the gray robes of a king, sat commandingly in his throne of oak in the Hall of Legends and began speaking to the adventurers plus Bilbo: "From the pure strain of Numenor Habeñeros, cursed and blighted by the dreaded Witch-King of Angmar, came the awful power of the Mordor Jalapeño. Planted four thousand years ago at the base of Mount Doom (just off Route 4) by the hand of Sauron himself, and tended to by Sauron's elderly neighbor Janice Martinela, these vile jalapeños are not meant for mortals." Terranious straightened his OUTRAGEOUS polka-dotted tie before continuing. "Growing for so long, they have begun to pulse with the radiant energy of the evil lord himself. Be ever vigilant little hobbit, for these jalapenos are super-dooper-extra-spicy."
-The Hobbit, Page 223

Mordor Chili

Trigglebip, leader of the Wigglewogs, sitting upon his throne of oak and leaves n' shit, then said to the adventurers, "Do not serve Mordor Chili to anyone but your worstest worst enemy, for the terror that awaits their mouth upon the tasting is not but for the most foul of souls." Trigglebip rustled in his chair momentarily, wiped his chin slightly, and continued, "Mordor Chili is not to be eaten by mortals, for the burning and hotness upon the tasting and eating far exceeds anything mortals were meant to experience." Trigglebip then scratched his throat, hiccuped, scratched again, and subsequently continued: "Created by Sauron himself in the time of Darkness, Mordor Chili has enticed many to its boiling redness, and has coaxed many to evil."
-The Fellowship of the Ring, page 283

Mordor Salsa

Lolo, king of the Hehes, sat upon his throne of leaves and oak, and awaited the adventurers in his medium-sized throne room (which had some nice windows, by the by), and said unto them, "The recipes of Sauron are as plentiful and satisfying as they are evil. Touch not the Mordor Salsa, and do not consume it with any type of chip or tortilla from Middle Earth, for they are too weak to withstand the boiling hotness and redness n' shit that awaits them in Mount Doom's cafeteria-slash-luncheon space." Lolo paused for absolutely no reason before continuing: "Beware all that the salsa touches, for it is NOT for the likes of ye, wee hobbit. ...Nor ye, wee elf. ...Nor ye, wee wizee-- crap, sorry -- wizard. Stay true on your quest, and ask not the recipes of Sauron."
-The Two Towers, Page 809
"...what the fuck am I squinting at?"

Mordor Wasabi

Larry, king of the Barries, sat low in his bean-bag chair of oak leaves, and before the adventurers, he spoke: "If ye seek an ethnic dish for your sushi, seek not the exciting Mexican-Japanese dipping sauce of Mordor. ...Sauron sees your interest in what the Middle Earth Times called 'an interesting addition to your average Sushi Bar from our favorite evil entity.'" King Larry called a five-minute siesta before continuing. "Brewed in the lava-y vat of Mount Doom, this wasabi is two and three-quarters hotter than the Sun itself, and nearly as delicious." Larry straightened his OUTRAGEOUS polka-dotted tie, and said in his most commanding and serious voice, "Be not tempted by Sauron and his tempting dishes, for they will only tempt your soul toward temptation."
-The Return of the King, Page 1

The End of the Mordor Jalapeño

After a long struggle and the exciting swordfight already described, Frodo threw the queen jalapeno into the very fires of mount doom, and waited for it to vanish beneath the lava. It did not, and so Frodo waited for a few moments: "Doo dee-doo, la la la, boooooring lalalala" he said, with a mighty vigor. "This is taking too long," Frodo said, and left the cavern to join his friends as they traveled back to the Shire, and that elf place, and wherever Gandalf is from, because lord knows that nobody, not even that mentally retarded CGI humpback character that lurched around the place, would jump into a volcano to get a jalapeno-- no matter how juicy and tangy it was.
-The Return of the King, Postscript

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