Hillary Clinton

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Empress of America, Duchess of Arkansas, Queen of New York
Hillary Clinton sunglasses.jpg
Reign Perpetual; only the office changes
Predecessor Barack Obama
Successor Herself
Consort No one currently admits to sleeping with her

Hillary Rodham Clinton (born October 26, 1947), also known as Hillary Rodham, or on bumper stickers as just Hillary! depending on how Bill is polling that week, is an American politician, former First "Lady," the only Secretary of State who had to be replaced by John Kerry, and second-place finisher in the 2016 Presidential election, a campaign for which she adopted slogans such as, "I'm the next best thing to Bill!" and "Vote for me and get Bill free!"

Hillary was defeated by Republican Donald Trump on the strength of nothing but name-calling. Fatefully, Hillary's own brief attempt at name-calling was not directed at her opponent but at "deplorable" voters, who struck back.

Early life

A young Hillary Clinton. The '60s fashion and black & white photography indicate she is now suffering a case of terminal old.

Hillary was born in Chicago, Illinois, on October 26, 1947, the daughter of a small businessman and a smaller homemaker, neither of whom is the clear source of those large thighs. Many journalists believe Hillary was named after Sir Edmund Hillary, who would go on to be someone people had heard of when he climbed Mount Everest — mostly, those journalists who take Hillary at her word. However, the fact is that she was instead named after Hilary Duff, and her parents doubled the "l" for "teh llullz."

Hillary was raised a Methodist, participated in student government, and by all accounts had a normal youth, apart from her obvious destiny to be a Senator and President some day. The household was politically conservative and even influenced by Barry Goldwater. Unfortunately, she fell in with the Rockefeller wing — hardly Methodist and, on most issues, strictly agnostic — and later settled on Saul Alinsky, America's clearest exponent (after Karl Marx) of the idea that the ends justify the means, whose manual on ruthlessness informed the nation's lawyers no less than its pre-schoolers.

At Wellesley College, she wrote a thesis that Wikipedia calls "a critique of Alinsky's tactics." As one's thesis has to weigh both sides if one wants to graduate, indeed there are probably a few paragraphs that criticize Alinsky. The reader can decide for himself by reading the thesis — only, the reader cannot, as Wellesley, under pressure from the Clinton White House, restricted access to it — a technique that would surely be studied, years later, as Barack Obama displayed brilliance at Columbia and Harvard that no one seems to remember, and left no trail of publications despite becoming President of the Law Review.

Which side of the Alinsky thing Hillary came down on might be answered by her graduation ceremony. She finished not as valedictorian but as runner-up — surely a victim of some "vast right-wing conspiracy" — a result that did not merit a chance to give a commencement speech. Hillary got a proposed speech pre-cleared anyway, and then instead gave a rabble-rousing performance that slammed previous speakers and made Adolf Hitler sit up in his grave in Paraguay. Hillary's destiny in government was now a lock, and the only uncertainty was why anyone would trust her as far as they could throw her, which, these days, is not far.

However, any amorality suggested by Hillary's early life is superseded by the amorality suggested by her later life.

Arkansas years (1975–92)

Hillary has appeared on the cover of Time magazine, though not quite as Woman of the Century.

Whatever secret agreement Hillary may have had with Bill Clinton to share power back-and-forth forever, something about being a big fish in a small pond rather than a small fish in a big pond induced the couple to move to the intellectual eaves-trough of Arkansas. The two married in 1975 in an obscure village called Snake's Hips. Bill began climbing the corporate ladder while Hillary baked cupcakes and activist lawsuits. Hillary kept her maiden name because "it showed me that I was still me," though it showed Arkansans that the husband of such a woman is a pussy.

Nevertheless, Arkansas elected Bill the Pussy General and the couple moved to the capital, Bugtustle. Hillary joined the Rose Law Firm, which she would go on to put "on the map," setting the Guinness record for scandals. She tried few cases but in 1978 (shortly after Bill became Governor), Hillary was promoted to partner of the firm. She out-earned Bill, which made up the mind of any Southerner not already convinced by his inability to get his wife to take his surname.

But no Arkansan ever begrudges the First Couple a little honest graft, and the Clintons fell in with the Whitewater Development Corporation, an arrangement to put riverfront building lots in the hands of a large number of ordinary people ("everyday Americans," as Hillary would later call them), until the first Everyday that they missed a monthly payment.

Hillary parlayed a $1,000 investment in cattle futures into $100,000 in ten months. She said her secret was to read the Wall Street Journal and to be the smartest woman in America, but a secret of equal value was to rely on brokers who held off on declaring whether each position was a purchase or a sale until it was time to unwind it.

First "Lady" (1993–2001)

Hillary's service as First "Lady" gave many White House staffers a glimpse into her character (despite the standing order that no one was to glimpse at her). Most had never seen more accurate throwing of ash trays during marital spats.

Bimbo eruptions

“I did not have sexual relations with that woman.”

~ Bill Clinton on Hillary, as it were

The 1992 Presidential campaign featured many "bimbo eruptions." This had nothing to do with acne on the face of a certain famous clown; rather, these were made-up charges that loose women (also known as floozies or bimbos, and including a few trollops) were bothering Bill and trying to distract him from penetrating the American psyche. Hillary took charge in beating back these bimbos.

Although she had previously declared that she was not some ordinary housewife "baking cookies and standing behind my man" — to quote American sociologist Tammy Wynette — her role in the bimbo eruptions led her to appear with Bill on 60 Minutes and describe to Judge Wapner the "pain in our marriage." The resulting sympathy turned the tide in the 1992 election, at the minor cost of two decades of progress in feminism.


Hillary, Bill, Chelsea (right, foreground), and first dog Buddy (right, background) aboard "Broomstick One".

Once safely inside the White House, President Clinton assigned Hillary the job of "fixing the health care system." The nation got its first glimpse of the skills that a pair of Arkansas lawyers would bring to the job of governance (not to mention surgery), as it is illegal both for people to do government jobs for free and for a President to slip a non-employee a wad of cash. It was just as illegal for someone to act like a Cabinet secretary without meeting with the U.S. Senate. Happily, concern over these irregularities took attention completely off what was going on in Hillary's "task forces" and who was on them.

Hillary proposed a massive system where the government would own all the hospitals and doctors and everyone would get everything for free until it ran out. "Hillarycare" was laughed out of Congress, but Hillary would get the last laugh, as the failure to pass Hillarycare led to an economic boom that Bill took credit for.

Hillary understood the Republicans' mind [sic]; and sure enough, their take on her plan to give away free stuff was to ask why they did not have their own plan to give away free stuff. The Koch Brothers devised a "gentler approach" that would eventually become Romney-care and then Obama-care. The reason it is gentler is that the website doesn't work, and that it uses the IRS rather than storm troopers (for now).

Dead broke

Tragically, her time in the White House left Hillary "dead broke" and with trouble making the payments on her homes. For one thing, she had to pay cash for the 800 FBI files with dirt on her adversaries that mysteriously wound up in the West Wing. It cost her more to lure Craig Livingstone away from his job as a bar bouncer to manage White House security, and he wanted hefty tips for every single constituent he roughed up. Nor did it come cheap to have Vince Foster moved to Fort Marcy Park and laid out under a tree, his arms neatly at his side, after his handgun "suicide."

The fact that the Republican opposition politicized every little thing led to other extreme costs, a couple of which came out of Hillary's personal funds. Understandably, she has spent much of the time since the White House years trying to cover this large deficit in her personal finances with her only asset: her gift of public speaking, earning tens of thousands of dollars from industry groups and enemy governments who cannot find any other speaker quite as shrill.

Return to private life

The Clintons bought yet another home, in Chappaqua, New York, and settled into ordinary married life — a marriage where Hillary would be free to scheme about a follow-on campaign, as New York is always receptive to yet another left-wing candidate originally from somewhere else; and Bill would be free to pursue another Canadian rack-of-ribs.

Return to public life

Before you could shake a broomstick at it, a seat freed up in the U.S. Senate and Hillary announced her candidacy. Rep. Rick Lazio was her opponent in 2000, and all anyone remembers about him is striding across the stage to hand Hillary a "campaign pledge" to sign. The Media was incredulous that a strong, independent woman such as Hillary could essentially be raped on live television.

Rep. Lazio was defeated, 55%-to-43%, and even now has to check in with police everywhere he moves, and wear an ankle bracelet like any other sex offender. Hillary's election to the Senate was thus another giant step forward toward equal treatment of women, whereas Lazio, in a mere two more decades, will become the senior and most venerated of Manhattan's squeegee men.

In the Senate, waiting (2001–09)

After the campaign ended and all the records about being the first woman this-or-that rattled to a stop and were quiet, like so many quarters that failed to reach the shot glass, Hillary prepared for a productive life as a Senator despite authoring even fewer bills than she had written lawsuits back at Rose. However, there were always problems:

  • Her election to the Senate had not kept George W. Bush out of the White House. Despite leaving most of his neurons in Texas, he was a master of the photo-op and staged event, and continued to draw more publicity than the Junior Senator from New York.
  • Less than two years later, there was the small matter of the September 11 attacks. Suddenly, the nation wanted a military response and there was no time for weightier matters like trying again to gum up health care. All Hillary could do was vote for the Iraq War and the Patriot Act, and bide her time until her party devised a reason they were both Bush's fault.

Nevertheless, in 2006, Hillary decided she wanted more of it, and spent an outrageous $36 million to defeat the charismatic John Spencer,[Who?] ex-mayor of Yonkers,[Where?] 67%-to-31%.

In her second Senate term, she was against the Iraq "surge" and called Gen. Petraeus a liar, long before that became fashionable. Despite this, Petraeus got the troops needed to end the war in Iraq and turn it into a relatively manageable drumbeat of terrorist attacks.

2008 Presidential campaign (2008)

A popular 2008 campaign poster of Comrade Clinton emphasized her Five-Year-Plan for the national economy.

Hillary would have told New York voters she intended to finish out her second term. We just don't know, as key records are missing. However, on the first day of her second six years, she formed a committee to run for President.

Winning in 2008 was vital. If she failed, then in 2012 she would have to give up Senate re-election to try for President — unlike lucky bastards like Paul Ryan. Moreover, if a Democrat won in 2008, Hillary would have to respectfully sit out 2012 and, already most of the way toward frumpy, she would be flirting with overt senility (not that Ronald Reagan didn't make even that work).

So, after decades of swatting away mosquitoes in Arkansas, being cuckolded on national TV from Washington, exposing herself as a policy flop, lying, stealing files, and destroying evidence for That Hussy, she called in all the chits for a desperate run at the Presidency. She wowed them in New Hampshire after showing she could cry on command, just like Bill (which, oddly, had not gone over well in 1972 when Ed Muskie tried it).

It seemed that nothing could go wrong now. The only competitor was John Edwards — only, no newspaper other than the National Enquirer was covering his love child, use of campaign funds as hush money, and abandoned, cancer-stricken wife. Also — Can you believe it? — some Negro, who Bill said "a few years ago, would have been fetching us coffee." Bill, hailed as "the first black President" for the number of times he was in trouble with the law, now began driving away African American votes in droves Sorry, lots of them.

Then, in March 2008, Hillary had to admit that she had not, as claimed, flown through sniper fire landing at Tuzla, Bosnia, and the young schoolgirl who met her on Broomstick One with a bouquet was not in mortal peril either, as those bullets were in fact just large hailstones. A scandal that did not touch Geraldo Rivera or Brian Williams (much) ruined Hillary's chances, surely because of America's persistent hatred of All Womyn. Worst of all, Hillary was forced to attend the convention, applaud politely, and shift her posture to make less conspicuous the many knives stuck in her back.

Secretary of State (2009–13)

It got worse than that, when the Dark Lord stepped forward and offered to remove the knives himself. On the time-honored theory of "keeping your friends close and your enemies closer," Hillary joined the Obama cabinet. The two shared a hate of anything any American does without their help, and a love of collecting dirt on their adversaries, while scrubbing their own dirt until there are scratch-marks on the hard disk. The job also kept Hillary in Washington in case something better freed up.

Hillary neatly solved the dilemma that the two would now be collecting dirt on each other. Her first act at State was to set up a computer in an office across the hall, "off the grid" but onto an email server in the barn on the Back Forty of her Chappaqua home, from which she ran the entire State Department. A pro at statecraft, she is too clueless at technology to learn the State Department email system, so it fell to aides to remove the TOP SECRET mastheads before the names and addresses of America's foreign spies were telephoned over to the barn. An added benefit was that Congress could never see her correspondence, though Wikileaks could. And no one, even Obama, thought it strange that State Department emails did not come from state.gov but ElephantThighs.xxx.

The biggest challenge in America's diplomatic corps was Obama's desire to "reach out to Islam" as only a transformational healer could — say, by sending a gay Ambassador to Libya. Ambassador Stevens repeatedly wired in that it would be nice to fortify the embassy and consulates. Perhaps a couple of salvage Jeeps parked in front of the gate to impede smash-and-grab hostage-takings. Unfortunately, the only spare funds in the budget had already been used, at the embassy in Switzerland, to replace the entire motor pool with Priuses.

Things soon got worse. Stevens made an impromptu trip to Benghazi, despite the poor security, ostensibly to kick off a Middle East tour by George Michael, but probably also to find out whether weapons the U.S. sent into the wrong hands had fallen into other wrong hands, and to buy them back with the large wad of cash he carried. Damned if an impromptu, rag-tag bunch of impoverished Benghazi youth stormed the consulate, as always carrying their professionally lettered English-language protest signs and shoulder-fired missile launchers. Stevens was killed, along with a consular aide and two CIA guys who came to buy them time against the mobs until the imminent arrival of U.S. rescue planes.

Worse still, Obama's first term was ending, the Republicans had nominated someone you could almost like (if you had a trust fund), and he had just whupped Obama in a debate, though he would soon realize that such antics were beneath him. The election was on a knife-edge and Obama did not want to hear about "that Benghazi shit" as he had a big fundraising trip to Las Vegas the next day, where the golf is good and probably the cocaine.

When John Kerry succeeded Hillary, she got the consolation prize of knowing that no one would remember her as an ineffective Secretary of State.

Aides left at the White House tried to figure a way to save the Administration from itself, between bouts of surfing the web for porn. Someone (records of the entire day are curiously missing) had the brainstorm that, if young Libyans found the same YouTube channel (for which the State Department had apologized, the day before the attack), they would get angry enough at the United States to do unspeakable things, such as the unspeakable things they had just done. Hillary, along with Ambassador Susan Rice and the Big Guy himself, ran a week-long road show apologizing to the U.N. and the Islamic world for free speech in America, and just like that, Obama had another four years to try to undo America's harms.

In 2013, Hillary sized up the situation and resigned from the Department of State, leaving Obama to nominate John Kerry. Why the long face?


One of Hillary's first initiatives to steer American foreign policy away from defending America's interests was to present a "Reset" button like this to Sergey Lavrov to show the U.S. would bear no grudges over Russia invading its neighbors. Imagine her surprise when she found out the correct translation was, "You stink!"

Hillary, again untethered from the public payroll, retreated to Chappaqua. The solitude was off-putting, as her ostensible husband was out giving speeches and chasing skirts. But before crocheting a single pot-holder, she took a quiet moment to assess her accomplishments as Secretary of State:

  • She had amassed more frequent-flier miles than Henry Kissinger.
  • She touted her success in providing greater access to technology to Arabia and the Third World — surely making infant genital mutilation easier than ever.
  • She had given the Rooskis a fine gift (pictured), assuming the lettering meant what it was supposed to mean. (This refers to the "Reset button" and not the gifts of Georgia and the Crimea.)
  • She had carried out Obama's orders to retreat from Iraq, which would be an accomplishment, assuming that the Iraqis strapped on their hard-hats and got back to work in the oil field. Unfortunately, though their hard-hats were strapped on, they were in the other room, along with their heads, when the ISIS forces took over town after town.
  • Arabia was in flames, its leaders were annoyed at America for nagging them about women's rights, the Caliphate was advancing, Russia was eating Ukraine and the Baltics and was asking what was the Main Course, North Korea was taking America's money but launching missiles anyway, and China was flexing its muscles. It was a world in line with Obama's first inaugural speech, where he said, "America is an exceptional nation. Of course, Peru thinks it is too, probably."
  • Most importantly, however, she had weaved the web of deceit that got her boss re-elected, and the only assumption that took is that the American voter is a dope.

Hillary was not the first female Secretary of State (following Albright and Condo), nor probably the first female First Lady. However, she does hold the record for most public offices achieved by virtue of being the wife of someone famous. NOW was ready to award her its prestigious Sleeping Herself to the Top award, but Hillary tactfully declined it.

Hillary is also without peer as the most publically unwanted wife in America — Monica Lewinsky being merely the most notoriously discarded mistress. And they both signed book deals.

The introspection took five whole minutes, after which Hillary began scheming to capture the Oval Office and get rid of Obama's shag carpets, hookahs, and portraits of Malcolm X, with a minimum of additional scandals and corpses along the way.

2016 Presidential campaign (1975–2016)

Opponents unfairly denounce Hillary as "shrill."

“What difference — at this point — does it make?”

~ Hillary Clinton on any Hillary Clinton scandal entering its second week

Having patiently waited out eight long Obama years, Hillary ran for President again in 2016. However, no sooner did she announce her candidacy than the book Clinton Cash documented the uncanny way speaking fees and book deals coincided with decisions at the Department of State, such as Russia's acquisition of 20% of America's uranium. It described GE's millions to the Clinton Family Foundation, promptly followed by government contracts with GE. And — misunderstanding the nuanced world of diplomacy — it called Hillary out for taking money from radical Islam while continuing to posture as a champion of women's rights.

Hillary's denials of the claims were categorical:

  • A White House spokesman said the author had been discredited by a typo that is in plain view on Page 243.
  • Hillary's Press Corps clarified that there was no cash-for-favors, as even Saudi Arabia paid with wire transfers.
  • Re-filing five years of financial reports once you are caught in a lie is simply part-and-parcel of an unprecedented spirit of openness and transparency.

After decades of downplaying Clinton scandals, the media suddenly pursued these themes. Anchormen read the book's appendices, which covered the long span of Hillary's career, and showed that she secretly bankrolled Hitler with the Illuminati to start World War II, this after having Archduke Ferdinand shot to set off World War I. CNN reported that Hillary fired on Fort Sumter to start the US Civil War. She was also the original Star Wars screenwriter, inventing Jabba the Hutt, who had the slender thigh-to-ankle region that Hillary always wanted.

Senility, the final frontier

A throng of great lawyer minds help Hillary across the finish line and into the White House.

A completely new threat to the campaign emerged: Although any good politician spends every waking moment trying to bankrupt, vilify, imprison, or knock off adversaries while clawing to higher office, she must go through the motions of hearing testimony and writing bills and reports. However, when asked about the manufacturing sector and job training, Hillary could do no better than restate the questions, despite having sat on Senate Committees and Joint Task Forces and having signed reports on those very topics. Hillary had gone beyond frumpy.

Again, Ronald Reagan won an election with Alzheimer's, but not the first one, and he was actually likable, a strategy that was nowhere in the Hillary playbook. Hillary might have been right in 2008 that it would be too late in 2016.

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Hillary "short-circuits"

Apart from Hillary's mental acuity, there were the reports of blinding headaches, multiple strokes, and insomnia. The cackling and shrilling were increasingly giving way to coughing, wheezing, and choking — trifles that might keep her from running the U.S., dishing out all the favors, owning the criminal justice system until all the Statutes of Limitations ran out, and ensuring that everyone left who knew where bodies were buried would join them. She might still be the go-to person "when the White House phone rings at 3 a.m.," but it was no longer clear how many sleeping pills she would have taken.

Opposition research

Hillary's opponent for the Democratic nomination was Bernie Sanders, a U.S. Senator embarrassingly uncorrupt and clear about what he hoped to achieve. His only problem was that he was technically not a member of the Democratic Party. Hillary masterfully used arcane party rules, super-delegates, and advance notice of what debate questions would be asked, to put Sanders in his place: a new island mansion on Lake Champlain that served as a consolation prize when Sanders committed his only unpardonable error in the debate, stating that "the American people don't care about your damned emails!"

Hillary's opponent in the general election was Donald Trump, a potty-mouthed carnival barker. His only problem was that he was technically not a member of the Republican Party. Hillary succeeded in September at turning the conversation at every night's dinner table toward whether Trump was innocent or guilty of decades-old claims of groping women. Unfortunately, in November, America's dinner tables would be discussing whether Hillary was innocent or guilty of destruction of evidence. Trump was ridiculed by Washington Republicans, network news anchors, and scores of pundits and political consultants. The only people in his camp were voters.

Enigmas and conundrums

On the campaign trail, Hillary modeled an orange prison jumpsuit, or perhaps the uniform of a saluting Chinese Communist.

“Ah don' feel no ways tahr'd!”

~ Hillary doing her best Stepin Fetchit imitation for a fawning black audience in Selma

Wikipedia notes Hillary's constant anguish that marrying Bill Clinton and especially using his last name would be an obstacle to letting "me be me," and especially that she might be known not for her own "accomplishments" (There's that word again) but through other people. The only elephant in this ointment is that, even after getting Bill out of the picture entirely, she did not know who she was.

  • A right-wing, pro-defense Democrat in the mold of Henry Jackson? Or a mainstream Democrat in the mold of Karl Marx?
  • An American Iron Lady? Or a bag of tears every time a speech digresses to her misunderstood mother?
  • A champion of capitalism, in the form of sham book deals, speaking fees, and envelopes of cash from swarthy, towel-headed foreigners? Or capitalism's biggest nightmare, who is sure that corporations do nothing to create jobs?
  • Someone who wants your votes as a woman? Or someone who wants your votes to prove that it doesn't matter that she is a woman? Or despite being a woman?
  • A gal who's her own gal, or Bill's gal (the one with the huge ankles, not the one with the awesome suction)? A Rodham, a Rodham Clinton, or a Clinton? Or nothing?
  • What's with the Southern accent?

The answer to these questions has not yet been poll-tested in Focus Groups.

The punch line

Woman's point of view

Just as it was "time" for a female President, it was "time" for an encyclopedia article on the inevitable future female President written from the woman's point of view.

Kate Harding in 2015 vowed to "vote with my vagina," and one hopes she lives in a state with voting machines with levers, rather than paper ballots or, above all, Florida, where hanging flaps are always problematic. The reader should read this article with her/his vagina, or at least use it to scroll the display, because the use of other nearby orifices might be relatively painful.

Hillary promised to sign all legislation with that organ, obviating the "auto-pen," and it seems that every year with a Clinton in the White House reveals a creative new use for it.

The reader has now been treated to an authoritative resumé of three decades of self-dealing, treachery, backstabbing, and corruption, with the occasional corpse, anecdotes all of which are more than one week old — yes, Old News — which means the nation should Move On. The candidate has cancelled her scheduled appearances for the rest of this week, at the end of which the current scandal will also be Old News. (She will, however, hold "electronic town halls" and take written questions by Internet users the campaign has pre-cleared.)

Besides, all of this must have been written by a political opponent who has an axe to grind, who did not make up his own mind but is merely in lockstep behind Limbaugh or someone, and is surely being paid off by the Koch Brothers.

Because, you see, it was "time" to elect a woman. (The "time" to elect an "African American" was 2008 and 2012.)

The post-mortem

Except, it wasn't. After Trump graduated from the Electoral College magna cum laude, the nation was treated to a post-mortem lasting for years. No, not the death of the candidate — Though seemingly on death's door for the entire autumn, she was unable to get in there either, another clear example of a "glass ceiling" — but the demise of the campaign. Hillary wrote a book, "What Happened?" (subtitle: "What is that orange-haired moron doing in my chair?") and embarked on a years-long book tour, mostly outside the U.S., to explain the corrupt factors that meant that the only reasonable candidate was not the one elected. These factors never included dawdling in California and basking in admiration to win its Electoral Votes ever more convincingly while sending her homely "journalist" daughter to work the entire Rust Belt, but sinister events such as Russian collusion, also that awful James Comey, opening and closing and opening and closing that investigation of her document-shredding party.

And especially all that unregulated campaign cash! Hillary's allies still in elected office conducted a multi-year push to do something about citizens trying to "petition the government for redress of grievances" by making mega-buys of campaign advertising. The nation was about to end the scourge of Big Money in politics, in honor of the candidate whose billion dollars had had no effect at all.


It is "time" to put a woman in the White House, if only because that mustache would really tickle the female interns.

In the future, some facts in this article may be questioned or even disproved. This does not mean they are lies but merely inoperative cases of having misspoken, which is completely different — no less than if the truth were to accidentally appear in this authoritative reference work.

The authors of this article received no improper influence from its subject, but were simply allowed to sell a few copies, for a nominal price meant only to recoup the costs, at the Bill and Hillary Clinton and Chelsea, Buddy, and Monica Foundation, right next to the cigar concession.

See also

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