John Kasich
John Richard Kasich (born May 13, 1952) is an American politician, known policy wonk, Grateful Dead fan, and was the 69th Governor of the failed state of Ohio From 2011 to 2019. He is the most popular governor in the country and has a long history of bipartisanship, a stark contrarst to his peers.
Kasich got his political start as a member of the House of Representatives from 1983 to 2001. He was also a candidate for the Republican nomination in the United States 2016 presidential election. Unfortunately, he only gained a measly 1% in the polls, and the other 99 GOP candidates assumed control in the primaries.
Early life[edit]
Kasich was born in McKees Rocks, Pennsylvania, a town in that state that wasn't filled with Quakers and Amish people because of Pittsburgh.
Being raised a Catholic, he considered being the Pope someday. Sadly, those dreamful aspirations would come to an end once a drunk driver murdered his parents in a car crash after a coffee run while they heading out of a Burger King drive-thru. After this accident, which scarred him for life, he decided to become an Anglican.
Kasich then moved to Ohio State University, where he began to get infected by politics. At the beginning of his first year in that university, he urged to meet up with its president. Once the president's secretary got irritated by him, he finally allowed him to do so. It just so happened that the university president was meeting up with the president of the United States at that time, Richard Nixon. Kasich asked him to follow along with him, but he responded by saying "Go away you stupid freshman." But he would not give up his journey to meet the president, so instead, he wrote a letter to Nixon to talk with him at the White House. And huzzah, that move worked and in December 1970, he chatted with the soon-scandalous president for twenty minutes.
Representative career[edit]
After Kasich met Nixon, he got inspired to taint the political system with his own ideals. And so he did for 20 years as House of Representatives, representing Ohio.
Kasich's highest political achievement to date was supporting the partial shutdown of the federal government in 1995, over spending money on education, health and the environment. With such a high-profile standing, and clear vision of a country full of uneducated, unhealthy, chemical burning squirrel killers, it was a wonder that after his two decades in the House, no one actually knew who he was. In fact, his colleagues nicknamed him "Erm... that guy... I think".
Kasich also ran for president in 2000, but nobody actually cared about his existence, so he promoted ol' Dubya instead.
In political limbo[edit]
After leaving Congress in 2001, Kasich went on to host Heartland with John Kasich on Fox News, in which he interviews people from his shack in Columbus while on a green screen. He also was a stand-in for Bill O'Reilly's show whenever he was slacking off on the job. In 2007, Fox cancelled Kasich's show after it averaged around 5 views per episode.
During this time, Kasich became the managing director of the Lehman Brothers bank, and worked there until the bank became bankrupt during the Great Recession on 2008. After he got his got his final paycheck of $600,000, he lived in a Motel 6 until 2009 to avoid declaring bankruptcy after spending half that paycheck on jewelry and beer.
Ohio governor[edit]
After losing his job at Lehman Brothers, Kasich returned to making quick bucks from the government. He utilized this new start to run for governor of Ohio, against incumbent Democratic governor Ted Strickland. He won the election, despite many votes not knowing who he was and instead referring to him as "that one guy with that show on Fox News." He was elected to a second term, over relative unknown Democratic opponent Ed FitzGerald.
As governor of Ohio, despite opposing Obamacare (like virtually every other Republican politician), Kasich expanded Medicaid to bring endless bags of money to his office. He devised the state budget with a form of Russian Roulette, killing off aid to every small town or county he landed on until it was balanced. Residents of said towns and counties are expected to fill their own potholes, a policy which experts believe Kasich adopted to appeal to libertarians within the Republican Party.
2016 presidential campaign[edit]
“Did I mention I am the son of a milkman?”
During a spring evening in 2015, Kasich sat down under a tree and said "I remember when I bribed Nixon into meeting with him in the White House. With the presidential race just starting, I should do that to the whole nation to live there for four years! Perhaps eight!" And so on July of that same year, he started his 2016 presidential campaign.
In the Republican debates, Principal Skinner had a rivalry with GOP front-runner Donald Trump if deporting millions of immigrants would be good idea. Some other highlights of his performances during them are talking about how it's time to punch the Russians in the nose — He's an expert in martial arts, as pictured — and drawing embarrassed applause from a Republican audience after admitting that he attended a gay wedding.
However, he was considered the sane one in the debates and that led to abysmal polling for him. He then realized that he needed to be a little crazier to win a primary. And so during a Richmond, Virginia town hall meeting, he responded to a teenager jumping out of her seat with a question, stating, “I’m sorry, I don’t have any Taylor Swift tickets.” But what could result from these brave efforts from him?
Election results[edit]
- Iowa
Kasich beat out four Republican candidates...with receiving a whopping 1.9% and one delegate.
- New Hampshire
Kasich came out in second place...with receiving less than half of Trump's percentage. But he could have won by fusing with Cruz and Jeb Bush!
- The Super Tuesdays
Loss, loss, loss, loss, loss...wait, he won his home state of Ohio! Oh boy, his campaign sure looks bright. White House, here he comes!
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