Jim Gilmore
Jim Stuart Gilmore (born October 6, 1949) is an American politician currently between jobs. He is the former Governor of Virginia, and was a candidate for the 2016 Republican Party nomination for U.S. President who showed promise of winning, provided that all the other presidential candidates suddenly bowed out of the race. They did not but rather left that role for Gilmore himself.
During the campaign, Gilmore was called "the perfect candidate of the One Percent." This hopeful nickname was a misnomer, however, as Gilmore never received close to one percent in any actual election.
Gilmore himself appends "The Third" to his name, suggesting that there might be two other Gilmores waiting in the wings to play havoc with political campaigns by likewise siphoning away dozens of votes from serious candidates. He earned this nickname in high school, when he entered a race against a single other competitor but somehow managed to finish in third place.
Early life[edit]
Gilmore was born to a loving family in Richmond, Virginia. He was raised, dressed and fed just as a normal kid. He claims that he taught himself to walk, to eat and to tie his shoelaces in three easy steps: watch the others, memorize, imitate — an admission that may shed light on his speechwriting.
Soon after graduating Law School, he was discovered and recruited by the Army as a counterintelligence agent. Intelligence was not really rife in his battalion and required little effort to counter it. Despite this, he quickly stood out of he crowd. For national security reasons, his position was eventually vacated. Luckily for him, Virginians needed a governor and he served in this position for a while, until someone better was found. Since his mandate, the Virginia Constitution acquired an amendment prohibiting him from ever thinking about doing it again.
Gilmore's actions bear the mark of his counterintelligence years, as everything he says or does is deeply counterintelligent.
Personal life[edit]
In his completely spare time, Jim acts as the honorific vice president of several imaginary think tanks and foundations.
He is happily married to a loving woman and has a pet tape worm named Donald.
He loves nature and he often goes hunting with a fishing rod or fishing with a hunting rifle.
Candidacy for President[edit]
Gilmore is a fast-blinking, head-tilting, slow-talking, paranoid but harmless old man — a perfect palette of political gifts with which to mesmerize conservative electors. He is supported in this endeavor by his neighbors, who want to see him gone from the neighborhood for at least four years. Many efforts are being made to back him up. There are rumors that he is washed and fed almost daily, to maintain a clean and healthy appearance. After careful consideration he adopted the sole strategy that offers him a chance to success. His aims are to hang on, just in case all his competitors decide to quit.
He promises that, if he wins the election, he will turn America back in time to the years during the Cold War, although Russia's president, Mr. Rasputin has already made the arrangements for that to happen.
He also swears that he wouldn't do much harm to his country, unlike those reckless Democrats before him, as he is technically incapable of doing anything on purpose.
Notable achievements[edit]
As Governor of Virginia, Jim personally banned the abortion of living children in his home state. The term "abortion of living children" is not a medical term, but a misnomer for infanticide. Jim wanted to put an end to this common practice in Virginia and has clearly stipulated that any children that need to die must be killed while still inside their mothers' wombs. He also instated a compulsory 24-hour waiting period until their stillbirth.
As a member of NRA and an avid rifleman, Jim has personally trained many people, with mostly good results, in an important aspect of gun safety: always hold the barrel forwards and the stock backwards, not the other way round.
Sometimes, when he is in good shape, he is able to drive on the right side of the road for hours on end, albeit in reverse.
2016 Presidential campaign[edit]
| Gilmore in 2016 | ||
| State | Votes | Delegates |
|---|---|---|
| Iowa | 12 | 0 |
| N.H. | 133 | 0 |
| Withdraws | 0 | |
Gilmore was a persistent gadfly in the Republican Party campaign for U.S. President in 2016 — so much so that various networks found it necessary to create a separate, non-prime-time debate. This patronized minor candidates with the claim that they had gotten "access" to television (although in a time slot where most Americans were fast asleep) and yet allowed major candidates to discuss public policy without excessive dingbattery.
Gilmore visited the first-in-the-nation Iowa caucuses and told a radio host in January that he would consider it a "victory" if he received a single Iowa vote. He almost achieved this dream, holding a "meet-and-greet" that drew a single voter. The media doted on this individual, a Democrat who only wandered in hoping to "crack a fiver" to get change for the bus. He peppered Gilmore with public-policy questions and left the confab "still undecided" on voting for Gilmore.
In fact, Gilmore earned 12 votes in the Iowa caucuses, which were good for 0 delegates. Although Jeb Bush's burn through his massive war chest to achieve a pathetic result was more noteworthy, Gilmore actually surpassed Bush in the sheer number of dollars squandered per voter.
The campaign proceeded to New Hampshire, where Gilmore sent out a single mass mailing, the day before the election, complaining about his shabby treatment by the media and proposing that this should be the key issue to voters, superseding, say, Obama-care, ISIS, Russian imperialism, or income inequality. Gilmore suggested a vote for himself as the perfect way to shame the networks, rather than Carly Fiorina, whose exclusion was undeserved; or Ben Carson, who was not excluded at all and was even asked one token question about what a jerk Ted Cruz was.
Gilmore's mailing claimed not just that he was a member of the National Rifle Association (which many Republican candidates were, Jeb Bush even joining several times when he realized the cameras had not been rolling) but was on the organization's board, whereas all his competitors were off it.
Owing to the state's secret-ballot format, in which no one has to explain his vote or wait to stop blushing, Gilmore received a full 133 votes, a haul that was good for another 0 delegates, though underpolling several candidates including Vermin Supreme and None Of The Above. He pulled in another 12 at his Election Night party, though it is unclear whether the draw was the chance to meet the man they had voted for, or the presence of an open bar. Gilmore promptly joined Fiorina and Chris Christie in concluding that the Way Forward was for him to do anything else.
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