Mike Huckabee
“Now will you go to lunch? Go to lunch. WILL you GO to LUNCH?”
“Holy Fuck!!! This guy is a beast”
“Hey, I remember you. You were that guy who was going to be Chuck Norris' vice president, right?”
Michael "Mike" Huckabee (formerly known as 'Fat Kevin Spacey With Hair') is the human alias of Kerk, an Iron Chef from the planet Rigel VII. He is also famous for releasing a murderer who moved and killed 4 cops in an espresso bar half a country away. On December 29th, 2009, a distraught Huckabee came out as gay on Fox news.
(Uh)H(eey)uckabee, who is much like Gomer Pyle with a PhD, was sent to Earth to supervise the organic-human breeding program, as sales of human meat in the gourmet markets of Rigel VII were weakening. Market research showed that the poor sales were because human meat was becoming unpleasantly fatty, as a result of dietary changes directed by the dominant McDonald's food-product cult. He is also the son of the VERY late Jerry Falwell. He is a bat-shit crazy Jeebus freak!
Huckabee is also the part time Gubernator of Arkansas, but doesn't let that affect his duties in the human-meat quality control sector.
Huckabee's most important contribution was writing the book "Shouldn't You Lose Some Weight, Fat-Boy?", which immediately broke all sales and hyperbole records in both the upscale Oprah's Book Club and the low-class, populist New York Review Of Books. The book was written after a month-long manic episode wherein Huckabee scared his family shitless by repeatedly baptizing the corpses of common household vermin he'd found lying around his home, murmuring during the grisly rituals: "if it pleases Miss Stuttworth in the eyes of our Lord, if it does..." Huckabee's wild success in hectoring, vampirically-sucking, brainwashing, and bullying humans into lower, leaner, more profitable weights was rewarded by Chairman Kaga, who gave Huckabee eternal access to the Garden Of Simpering Japanese Actress/Singers.
This is considered conclusive proof of a benevolent deity/deities Who sees/see that things always turn out as they should by some, yet Huckabee yearned for other, beret-wearing pleasures.
Huckabee's other notable publicity coup was ruined when a movie where he bought millions of dollars worth of product placement was released under the name "I Muscular Blood Pump Huckabees".
This was blamed on the incompetence, laziness and ill-will of political appointees in the Earth Infiltration/Cover Story Unit, who were also responsible for important details of Huckabee's cover story clashing with that of "President" Bill Clinton (alias of Kodos, as detailed by a stunning 1996 documentary, cunningly hidden as a comedy about the Simpson family).
In Earth Year 2005, Huckabee is believed to have launched a formal complaint about the Unit under the "How Come I Get The Crappy Hometown And Small-State Governorship, But Not The" Chubby, Insecure Chick with a Thing for Father-Figures?" clause of the Rigel VII Constitution and Standing Rules of Engagement.
The conclusion of Mike Huckabee's presidential campaign has lead his campaign to stand behind the nominee, John McCain.
What really happened, physicists postulate, is that the particle accelerator at Brookhaven created a minor black hole that tore a hole into the dimension housing Huckabee's shadowy benefactors. Enraged at his failure to secure the Republican nomination, Huckabee was sucked into the shadowy maelstrom.
The reason this is unreported, is because nobody gave a shit, and because Huckabee exclaimed "Jesus Christ fuck-a-duck!" as his very fibers of existence were violently hurled into the portal. Campaign supporters do not want to reveal Huckabee's blasphemous last few moments in our universe for fear of people viewing Huckabee as a vile fanatic.
Chuck Norris and Huck[edit]
Huckabee was officially endorsed by Chuck Norris when Norris said (in between hits off of his oxygen tank), "Don't fuck with Huck, or you'll fuck with Chuck!" Norris then proceeded to take his 2 o'clock doctors proscribed Alzheimer’s and arthritis pills , then proceeded to lightly slap around a band of Swedish tourists who he had believed to be Mitt Romney and his seven wives. Then Norris went to take his afternoon nap. Removed for blasphemy
Michael Fuckabee's Name[edit]
President Mick Fuckabee. Huckabee. HuckleYuckle Hoo-Haw Ho-Down Apple Pie Huckabee. It's a smart fucking name, man. In college, Huck-a-chuck and I, we used to go down to this place where Don DeSantos used to roll chemicals into pita bread and eat it through a sippy-cup. Huck-a-chuckup managed to down a roll of naan TOTALLY soaked in ricin, cyanide, shark poison, and cream of wheat.
Drooping-out from race[edit]
Mike Huckabee will no t Mike Huckabee actually did.
Lost the 2012 Presidential Primary[edit]
Mike Huckabee lost out on being a presidential candidate on November 29, 2009, when one of his best friends from Arkansas, Maurice Clemmons, was accused of killing four police officers in Lakewood, Washington. When Huckabee was told no one would vote for a friend of a cop killer, he carelessly shrugged, kicked an old tin can and said quietly not again. He also said, "Don't blame me for the rain after washing my car." Huckabee lost the Republican primary in 2008 because of his good ole buddy Wayne DuMond. Huckabee wonders now who will fuck up his run for the president in 2016.
Lost the 2016 Presidential Primary[edit]
President Donald Trump ran for a 2nd term as president with 98% popularity; Trump constantly questioned Huckabee's story about being born in the same watermelon patch in Hope, Arkansas as Bill Clinton.
Huckabee also suffered the udder failure of receiving the presidential endorsement of Old MacDonald, who had a farm, EE-I-EE-I-O, because Huckabee paroled a convict who killed all his cows, EE-I-EE-I-O, No more moo moo here and no more moo moo there, no more moo to be heard on his farm for now on anymore, EE-I-EE-I-O.
Cooking With Huck[edit]
After seeing the success of TV chiefs like Gordon Ramsey and Anthony Bourdain, Huckabee created several episodes of road kill cooking tips. He was last seen trying to run down an armadillo for his special outhouse chilli with re-fried turd chips.
A bootleg copy of his last TV show was found at the Salvation Army bargain bin in Sioux City, Iowa and can be viewed at the following link.
External links[edit]
- Original source of the photo above, taken by fearless flickr user Arkansas Lad
- Reference to the 1996 documentary, skilfully hidden in a place where no-one could possibly take it as an accurate report
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