Bernie Sanders

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The messier his hair gets, the more powerful he becomes.

“Politics are like chemistry. There are several Elements and nobody cares.”

~ Oscar Wilde

Bernard "Bernie" Sanders (born September 8, 1941) is a U.S. Senator representing the 9,615-square miles of progressive insanity called Vermont.

After serving nearly a quarter of a century in federal office, the demented Sanders developed delusions of grandeur, and announced his candidacy for President in both 2016 and 2020, apparently believing America was ready to elect a senile socialist to the White House. In that respect, he was Gov. Howard Dean's political stepchild. The success of Joe Biden showed that Sanders' instincts were correct about what Americans wanted, but Sanders himself remained on the fringes, aided by an army of well-off young white people on the Internet.

Sanders is a popular "meme candidate", along with Donald Trump and Ron Paul. Meme candidates are people you would cite in order to make a clever point; not people you would actually vote for.

Political career[edit]

Colonel Bernie (L) and Commie Bernie (R).

Sanders was born in New York. He has an elder brother called Larry Sanders, and is unrelated to Colonel Harland David Sanders, the inventor of Kentucky Fried Chicken except for a love of cooked poultry. Bernie Sanders was elected in 1990 to the House of Representatives as an Independent. Nevertheless, this hasn't fooled anyone, as he always lines up with the Democratic Party. The tiny state of Vermont has only one congressman, which let Sanders fight against corporate monopolies while being in one. However, in 2006, he moved "up" to the U.S. Senate, where instead of representing all of Vermont, he represents half of Vermont.

Sanders describes himself as a socialist. He is thus the only socialist in the Democratic Party to call himself a socialist, which puts him in the party's extreme wing, by himself, as every other socialist in the party calls himself "progressive" or "liberal." Everyone other than Sanders instead describes him as the "rumpled" candidate, though this does not make him unique.

Sanders' embrace of the "socialist" label has been called a remarkable case of self-outing. It shrewdly deprived his opponents of a successful accusation for him to accuse himself of it. Sanders' opponents in the Democratic primary have been unable to offer a criticism of him, except that he says too openly what they believe.

Hated by the Right Wing[edit]

Sanders' platform that the United States should not be allowed to become a corporate capitalist oligarchy has made him unpopular with numerous corporate sponsors, who promptly funneled their corporate dollars into helping publicize Donald Trump's campaign, with backup dollars to Hillary Clinton's campaigns "just in case", and painted Sanders as "bad for small business". After all, should Sanders deliver on his campaign promise of creating US jobs, their practice of sending jobs overseas might be endangered, and CEO pay would not continue to increase a hundred-fold every year. Moreover, Sander's stance on leaving the government out of the bedroom and refusal to promise to regulate the female body made him unpopular with top church leaders. Right wing leaders in Congress are preparing in advance to filibuster any bills supported in any way by Bernie should he become president. Trump himself said he is waiting eagerly to "fire" Sanders publicly, right after he "fires" Obama and Hillary.

Hated by the Left Wing[edit]

Hillary supporters and feminists who want a woman for president believe that Sanders will only divide the popular vote, and that everybody who will vote for Hillary in the end anyways for lack of better alternatives, should just vote for Hillary in the primaries so that Hillary will have enough campaign money to persuade the majority of the country to vote for her in the November elections. Because nothing persuades the "average Joe" like throwing more money into mud-slinging ads on each and every possible television channel, preferably to be aired at the exact same minute of airtime, between "shows" designed to ensure that the viewer does not simply throw the television out the window. Should the disgruntled viewer stop watching TV and turn to the Internet instead, there will of course be more ads, all over social media, and YouTube videos which will then again be rebroadcast on multiple other websites to be played while you surf your favorite web sites. Better dust off some old movies!

2016 campaign[edit]

If Sanders has the power to make unicorns and shoot rainbows, making college free is a piece of cake!
Sanders greets his entire constituency.

Bernie Sanders announced his bid for the American presidency in April of 2015. Since then, Sanders has raised a decent amount of online loot from college hipsters on the coasts, but still trails a scandal-plagued Hillary Clinton by double-digits nationally. During his campaign, it has been noted that Sanders has a problem winning the support of minorities, women, older voters, religious people, Southerners and poorer Democrats. In fact, the only people Sanders seems to appeal to is middle-class suburban Millennials.

During 2015, Sanders became a favorite target of the Black Lives Matter movement, largely due to the fact that he happens to be an older white male from a state that is 95% white. This was exemplified in August of 2015 when two Black Lives Matter agitators took the microphone from Sanders and hijacked his campaign event. However, like African American males, Sanders quickly realized the inherent danger of trying to argue with two strong independent black women, and yielded his microphone. Sanders subsequently apologized for not reaching out to black voters sooner in the hopes that he will never have to face off against somebody named 'Lakisha' ever again.


Sanders is a candidate for the Democratic Party's nomination for president in the 2016 U.S. presidential election. If he is elected, he promises to end income inequality, protect the environment, and buy Uncyclopedia a new server. However, critics note that one of Sanders' early campaign rants was that it is wasteful for America to have so many different brands of ice cream. These critics say that he could easily conclude that there are also too many humor wikis and, as President, might support legislation that would put Uncyclopedia out of business entirely. This would be classified under "saving the environment."

Rape-fantasy essay controversy[edit]

In 1972, after taking some psychology classes at Boston College, Sanders wrote an essay on his knowledge of human sexual fantasies. The essay was titled, "Man -and woman" and was published by the Vermont Freeman, an alternative newspaper. In "Man -and woman" Sanders wrote, “A man goes home and masturbates his typical fantasy. A woman on her knees. A woman tied up." When it came to women, Sanders asserted, "A woman enjoys intercourse with her man — as she fantasizes being raped by three men simultaneously."

These conclusions garnered criticism at the time, most notably from feminists that already didn't trust men. Fortunately for Sanders' liberal reputation, the furor proved short-lived. Contemporary critics maintain that the essay is sexist, and that contrary to what Sanders says now on the campaign trail, it reveals a mind-frame insensitive to the delicate feelings of rabid male-bashing feminists. Sanders' supporters maintain that "Man -and woman" was written in a much different time and place and is not indicative of Sanders' current and financially more lucrative fetishes, equal rights and Twilight. At the same time, more pragmatic observers have noted that Sanders' essay was written at a point in his life when he desperately needed something, anything, to offer women, and that literary BDSM was as good an offering as anything for the women who may have been sympathetic or myopic enough to give him a second look.


Thespian pursuits[edit]

It's your kids, Marty! They're being crushed to death in student loans and medical bills!

In addition to his political and community-organizing interests, Sanders has also performed in films and for television. His first film role was as the pivotal character of Bernie in the 1988 comedy Sweethearts Dance. In 1999, Sanders won the coveted role of Rabbi Manny Shevitz in My X-Girlfriend's Wedding Reception. In early February of 2016 he hosted NBC's Saturday Night Live.

Professional critics and couch potatoes alike have lauded Sanders' acting talents with praises such as "skillfully self-conscious", "sublimely mediocre" and "B for effort!" Admirers of Sanders' work have often likened his on-camera emotional range to that of Ben Jones of The Dukes of Hazzard.

Owing to their uncanny resemblance, some film watchers have regularly mistaken Sanders for the late Angus Scrimm of the Phantasm films. Over the years this confusion led to several fainting incidents at various funerals Senator Sanders attended. In an effort to allay concerns among the unsuspecting public, Sanders maintains he no longer greets young males at funeral homes and graveside services by grunting, "BOOOY!" in a low, eerie voice.

Private life[edit]

Sanders has been married twice. His first marriage was to Deborah (Shiling) Messing. This marriage took place in September 1964 and lasted eighteen months before ending in divorce. In 1988, Sanders married Jane O'Meara Sanders, a mother of three children. Between these conventional arrangements, Sanders was romantically involved with Susan Mott, a hippie. This union produced a son, Levi Sanders, product of one of the first successfully engineered human-hippie hybrid pregnancies recorded in Vermont.

Other Bernie Sanders's[edit]

There is also a Bernie Sanders who is a guitarist for Rage Against the Machine. That is, this Sanders rages musically against a musical machine, while the other Sanders rages politically against the political machine (each time making it larger and more anger-inducing). That is worth writing a song about.