Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez

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AOC is lookin' at you, Mr. Stuffed Moneybags.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (born October 13, 1989) is a member of Congress representing the Bronx borough of New York City. She is a member of the Democratic Party. AOC, as she is also called, has been placed on a high pedestal by her supporters. By comparison, the Republican Party maintains a symbiotic relationship with her. She feeds them a continual supply of outrageous quotations, while they feed her continual publicity.

AOC and fellow newcomers Ilhan Omar, Rashida Tlaib, and Ayanna Pressley are a faction styled "The Squad", which is less of a tongue-twister than saying Democratic Socialists of America. The other faction, personified by Speaker Nancy Pelosi, is referred to as the Do You Want To Cost Us All Our Seats? party. Ocasio-Cortez is considered the political heir of registered Leftist Bernie Sanders. If his heart condition continued to deteriorate, Ocasio-Cortez would inherit many of the "Bernie Bros", perhaps a lakefront home, and responsibility for several bills making it a crime to be a billionaire.

Early life[edit]

Teeshirt capitalism for socialism

Ocasio-Cortez — as her surname reveals — is a Puerto Rican from New York. Once elected, she traveled to Washington, D.C. in a sedan loaded with her eight office interns. Ocasio-Cortez's original vocation was as a bartender and waitress. She has been described as "the only waitress who never brought anything to the table." Her first exposure in politics came via working for loose-pants Democrat Sen. Ted Kennedy (DChappaquiddick). Although her political enemies fished for evidence that any untoward exposure occurred on the part of Ted Kennedy, it seems Ocasio-Cortez got out of that experience intact.

AOC attended Boston University to study International Studies and Business. There, she liked dancing on college building rooftops, where she was videoed undulating to music. Once again, her enemies looked for...ahem, a bit more intimate selfies. But again, nothing was found. A more promising way to find something unflattering has been the search for ex-boyfriends to confess Ocasio-Cortez smoked pot in bed or cut her toenails in the kitchen. Her current boyfriend is the red bearded Riley Roberts, a web developer and appalling dresser. He is also known as a "dumpster raccoon," which isn't a sexual preference but a lifestyle.

Way of the Bern[edit]

Offering fealty to Bernie.

AOC's next move into politics was to work for Bernie Sanders in the 2016 Democratic Party presidential nomination. By now Ocasio-Cortez had self-identified as a socialist of a distinctly radical left hue (no mild red as a Social Democrat). When Bernie got burnt by Hillary Clinton, Ocasio-Cortez was inspired by the old man to consider her own political career. She would start in and around her home district.

Though still under 30 (some thought she was a teenager), Ocasio-Cortez challenged the local Democratic fossil Joe Crowley for a primary. The Democratic Party — looking to attract young Latino voters to its standard — came out for her. She beat Crowley, went on to win in the general election against a token Republican, and was sworn into office in January 2019. It had been a rapid rise. Ocasio-Cortez stood out from the male-pale representation from both the major parties. She was young, knew what the Internet was and quickly became embedded in countless media platforms to push her message. Because she was also in the DSA, her reputation gained her the support of other socialist party leaders including Jeremy Corbyn, the current leader of the British Labour Party.

Activities (so far)[edit]

Nancy Pelosi swears in the young whippersnapper.

Ocasio-Cortez's self-identification as a champion for minorities and a scourge of pasty faced white men has earned her a media following. She is like Hollywood stardust in the halls of Capitol Hill. People want to be photographed with her, rather than the other way around. This has made the other 434 Representatives jealous. You can buy such coverage, but no one will notice you favorably.

Her first major initiative was the Green New Deal, a bill to persuade Americans to care more about the planet than their Big Wheels. She also claims that solar panels and wind power are healthier for you than coating your lungs in coal dust, at a time when Rick Perry at the Department of Energy is claiming just the opposite. Besides that and batting back return serves from MAGA turnips, her actual output looks thin. Ocasio-Cortez does like to cross-examine squillionaires in committees. Her most recent victim was Mark Zuckerberg, whom she savaged over not (completely) censoring Trump Trolls who speak ill of people like her.

Endorsing Bernie[edit]

AOC's adds her two cents worth but only on TYT and CNN.

In October 2019, AOC publicly endorsed Bernie Sanders as the Democratic Party presidential nominee for 2020. She had recently celebrated her 30th birthday so was too young to go on the ticket. Perhaps it will be Bernie-Alexandria for 2028? Bernie would then be 87. Perhaps Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez will get to the very top. She will have a long retirement after.


Alexandria Ocasi-Cortez's name is now attached to a recognized mental illness, AOC Derangement Syndrome. This is similar to Trump Derangement Syndrome but it doesn't turn you orange after a long exposure to it. Sufferers of 'AOCDS' are often found in television studios such as those of Fox News.