Ricimer
This is a remarkable historical document. A copy of Patrician Ricimer (405-472)'s template interview form for people wanting to become the next Roman Emperor. Ricimer was a barbarian general who controlled who became the Western Roman Emperor from 457 to 472. Translated from campy Latin.
Thank you Fill In Your Name for coming by to my office in Rome/Ravenna Tick location of interview. My name is Ricimer of Burgundy. I am the Master of the Soldiers, Patrician and Capo Tutti Frutti of the Roman Empire. I exercise my power with the authority of the Roman Senate.
You are here today because of a vacancy we have in Rome for emperor. This is a very important office and has been held by many great men.
I think you have the 'right stuff' to be a successor of Augustus and Constantine the Great. In these difficult times. I should know, I have been involved in Roman imperial affairs ever since I left Burgundy to work here. Much has changed and as you know, we have had recent Gothic and Hunnic barbarians running around here looting and doing unspeakable things. I know, I used to do all this before I started to work for Rome.
So you Fill in Name think you're superior to me because I am not a natural born Roman? I have looked at your CV. It says you're a soldier/peasant/aristocrat/accountant (tick only one here). All noble professions but this job does demand dedication to impossible odds.
Indeed, quite a few of your predecessors were found wanting and were killed because of that. I think that's only fair. Being a Roman Emperor does guarantee a lot of perks and chances to get rich. May be those riches won't be much use to you if you end up like Julius Caesar with knife wounds all over your body but I believe that's a small price to pay.
I can tell you, I can spot failure very easily. In my time I have dismissed Roman emperors like Petronius Maximus, Avitus, Majorian, Libius Severus and Anthemius because they were not good enough. In the case of Anthemius he was also a Greek and a spy for emperor Leo I in Constantinople. It was also cruel to let them live after their dismissal as there is nothing more pathetic than an ex-Roman emperor.
So do you think you can do this job? See here, I offer you two free bottles of wine from my homeland. We also provide bodyguards, food tasters and more fleshier pleasures. We may be Christians now but that just means we can seek post-coital absolution if necessary. As Roman Emperor, you won't be judged morally unless - and this is a big unless - you behave like a new Caligula. But I am sure you won't do that.
I think that's enough about the job. If I was a Roman, I would jump off my horse and take the job without hesitation. Let me know in the next minute if you want the job or not. If you decline the offer, I will let it be known that you were approached. This isn't a big deal for me but may cause you issues with the next emperor. They don't like to know that they are a second or third choice. It could be very sticky.
Oh yes, I forget to add. Your mission as Roman Emperor is to restore the situation we had as it was in 395 when Emperor Honorius succeeded. I am sure a man with your talents will do this. Note, this job doesn't include the Eastern Roman Empire as that is under a different management/strong man.
So if you agree, please leave your mark or seal on the last page.
Signed: Patrician Ricimer, Master of Men and Player of Station. Signed: Fill in Name Dated: 5th century
Ricimer died in 472. Likely he was murdered by his servants, wife or nephew Gundobad. Here is the visual proof:
Where is my Burgundy wine?
That's better.
Pissed..drunk...dead
