Florian

Florian's troops called him 'Old Sausage-Chops'.

Florian (technically, Marcus Annius Florianus (died 276 (sorry for the spoiler))) was the Emperor of Rome for a few summer months in 276. He succeeded his older brother, emperor Marcus Claudius Tacitus, when the old emperor died shortly after drinking polonium green tea in July 276.

Florian claimed his brother had been murdered by Goths and insisted he was the man to restore the Roman Empire, ignoring the rapid turnover of emperors in the past 40 years. Since Florian was 'old' enough to have a free chariot bus pass, he said he was qualified to become emperor. The Roman Senate agreed. The Roman army didn't. In their eyes, Florian was a flabby civilian, despite having served as the praetorian prefect of Rome. Their choice was Probus, who was currently hanging loose around Syria.

While Florian was on campaign in Asia Minor, Rome was held by his allies. Not for long. Probus ordered the halving of grain supplies to Rome from Egypt. No bread, no circuses and Florian's friends disappeared from public view. On receiving the news, Florian realised he needed to kill Probus. The two Roman armies managed to run into each other near Tarsus. Florian didn't look very imperial compared to Probus, so the old gent's generals had him strangled in the shower. Florian's reign ended in September 276 with him clutching his soap dish. He had ruled for 88 days.

Legacy

Florian is remembered primarily in the name of a small town in the extreme northwest of Minnesota and as a model of Isuzu automobile.

Other Florians

How to look up your own nose. Florian Roman style.

Emperor Florian is not to be confused with Saint Florian (250 – 304), who lived in Austria. He became a Roman soldier — training a brigade to fight fires — but then found Jesus and disobeyed orders to drive Christians from the territory. He got sainthood for refusing to honour the Roman gods — and doubling down on it beside a funeral pyre built just for him. So the troops drowned him instead. He is the patron saint of Poland and of fiery deaths.

Much later, Florian Schneider (1947 – 2020) founded the band Kraftwerk with Ralf Hitler, and played synthesizer, also bass flute until he threw it away. He died of starvation as a result of refusing to leave the sound studio; a video technician in costume impersonated him on gigs and in concerts. After his demise, band-mates reorganised as Blind Lemon Kraftwerk.

References

Preceded by: Marcus Claudius Tacitus

Roman Emperor 276

Succeeded by: Probus