George H. W. Bush

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George H. W. Bush
Born George Herbert Walker Bush
June 12, 1924 (1924-06-12) (age 99)
Milton, Massachusetts, Massachusetts, United States
Died November 30, 2018
Houston, Texas, United States
Alma mater Yale University
Predecessor Ronald Reagan
Successor Bill Clinton
Political party Republican Party
Religion Polite, wholesome globalization
Spouse Barbara W. Pierce (1945–2018)
Children George, Pauline, Jeb, Sneezy, Dopey, Doc
Cursive signature in ink

George Herbert Walker Bush (June 12, 1924 – November 30, 2018) was an American politician who served as the most powerful government official in the United States and, later, as its 41st President (narrowly missing out on being the 40th or "ruby" president, and instead being the rather lame "land" president).

A Republican with ties to American and Saudi oligarchs, Bush was widely suspected of anti-democratic tendencies for his former leading role in the U.S.'s secret police service, the CIA. He was the second-oldest living President, the third-oldest living Vice President, and officially the second-worst President named George Bush. Bush was the "father" (see below) of George W. Bush, the 43rd President of the United States, and Jeb Bush, former Governor of Florida.

Early life[edit]

Bush was born in Milton, Massachusetts, to Senator and Business Plot member Prescott Bush and walker Dorothy Bush. Taking his political leanings from his father, and his love of walking from his mother, George was the most academically gifted member of his family, with one teacher's report reading, "His sentences often contain a subject and a complement." Nevertheless, he was eight times accused of sexual assault, leading him to add his nickname, "Walker," to his legal name, so he would no longer have his initials be GHB.

He showed early initiative in getting involved in bloody wars, enlisting in the U.S. Navy on his 18th birthday, and becoming the youngest aviator in the U.S. Navy at the time. On December 7, 1941, Bush became confused during a training exercise while training at Pearl Harbor and was briefly court marshaled for joining in the Japanese attack on the naval base, although he later admitted, "I don't think it's not safe to say that it was a mistake, but I would have — if I could have gone back tomorrow in the past — I would have, definitely. Not done it, but I didn't hit a single white guy."

After leaving the military, Bush attended Yale University, where he lost his virginity to Barbara W. Pierce. To seal the deal, they married and moved to West Texas, where George hoped to make his fortune in oil and creating human life.

Incarnation of George W. Bush[edit]

Until 1999, George W. Bush measured just 3'11" and weighed less than 60lbs.

On July 6, 1946, after a three-day Independence Day bender, Bush took part in a complicated voodoo ceremony in which he separated a part of his essential being and bestowed it upon a separate creature of his own creation, which he called, confusingly, George W. Bush. Republicans believe that the two are at once the same and separate entities. During GOP masses, the congregation recites:

We believe in George W. Bush,
The only
[sic] son of George,
Eternally begotten of the father
W. from W., George from George,
True Bush from true Bush,
Begotten not made.
Of one being with the Father,
Through him all things were made.

Conservatives believe the divine nature of the Son was united but not mixed with human nature in one divine Person, George W. Bush, who was both "truly Bush and truly man".

Barbara Bush was said to be initially critical of the incarnation, claiming that naming the Son George W. was confusing, and that the ceremony had made a mess on the carpet. She soon warmed to the theme, however, after her husband made it clear that she would now have two Georges at her disposal, and such a wealth of embarrassment had inevitable plus sides.

Barbara's initial objection to the naming of her "son" was shared by many in the media as George W. began to follow in his father's footsteps. Until then, Bush had been commonly referred to simply as "George Bush"; since that time, the following forms have been used to distinguish him from his son: George H. W. Bush, George W. W. Bush, Bush 41, Bush the Elder, George Bush, Sr., The Bush Man, Bushtucker, and Bush McBush.

Financial success and entry into politics[edit]

In 1987, Reagan and Bush went so far as to allow Hasbro to associate their names with Articulate!.

In the early 1950s, Bush began working his way up the ranks at Ewing Oil, which was run in a ruthless manner by John Ross "Jock" Ewing, Sr. Bush competed for Jock's approval with the boss's own son, J.R. Ewing, and eventually became president of the company when his rival was unexpectedly shot. Bush became a millionaire by the age of 40, his masterstroke being the creation of KY Jelly, a petroleum-based lubricant which used waste material from the distilling process, and turned it into a profitable sideline.

Coincidentally, Bush became involved in politics soon after founding his own oil company, serving as a member of the House of Representatives, and later as Vice President to Ronald Reagan, with whom he would often play Articulate!. During his tenure, Bush headed administration task forces on fighting the "War on Drugs" which led to the eradication of drug abuse in the United States and the popularization of fighting wars against abstract concepts, such as terror.

Speaking to a group of school children about the subject of drug abuse, Bush said, "Now, like, I would be, well, I am Vice President. I would have thought that it would be pretty hard for some drug guy, you know like some dealer or what have you, to come into the White House and start offering it or ... them up, you know? I bet if they did, I hope I would say, 'Hey, get lost. We don't want any of that.'"

In 1988, Bush launched a successful campaign to succeed Reagan as president, with the campaign slogan, "The Bush never falls far from the tree." He went on to beat Democratic opponent Michael Duke, Duke, Duke, Duke of Dukakis in the Presidential election, and moved all his stuff into the master bedroom of the White House.

Non-Arabic foreign policy[edit]

Bush came to power during the arsend of Communism, and in 1989, the Berlin Wall literally fell down due to a lack of love. Germans from both sides immediately embraced and discussed the possibility of forming a united football team and winning World Cups and stuff. Bush was initially rattled by the incident, and told a stunned press conference, "The Nazis... er no, wait the Germans are Commies now right? Hang on, which is which?"

Not long afterwards, there were revolutions in several Eastern European Communist states, and the Soviet Union itself dissolved in the early 1990s. The process occurred much more rapidly than U.S. intelligence had predicted, and there was no plan in place to help the former Soviets handle the transition phase. Fortunately, several oligarchs stepped in and snapped up all the natural resources, and Russia's problems evaporated. The incident also inspired George W. Bush to create a detailed plan of how to handle the transition of power in Iraq after the fall of that dictator dude, whatever he was called.

Arabic foreign policy[edit]

On August 2, 1990, Iraq, led by Saddam Hussein, invaded Kuwait and Bush snapped into action. Being an oil man, Bush was naturally protective towards Kuwait, and in 1990 called for all Kuwaitis to cover themselves in KY Jelly to avoid capture. Secretary of Defense Richard Bruce "Dick" Cheney had a better idea and scrambled a fleet of fighter jets to threaten Iraq. Hussein immediately made attempts to negotiate a deal that would allow the Iraqis to take control of half of Kuwait in exchange for painting Bush's summer house. Bush rejected this proposal and insisted on a complete withdrawal of Iraqi forces and the delivery of a red lollipop.

Bush failing to make it through the fourth objective.

Bush spoke before a joint session of the U.S. Congress regarding the authorization of air and land attacks, laying out four immediate objectives:

  • "Iraq must withdraw from Kuwait completely, immediately, and without condition."
  • "Kuwait's legitimate government must be restored to us."
  • "The security and stability of the Persian Gulf must be assured." [the President notably started to giggle here.]
  • "And American citizens abroad must be protected." [wiping tears of laughter from his eyes.]

At the announcement of the offensive, Hussein predicted the war would be a "dog fight" and it did indeed resemble one in the sense that it was an unpleasant spectacle which featured a lot of yelping. The Allied offensive lasted just 100 hours, and Bush's approval ratings skyrocketed. Hussein was never to be heard of again.

Domestic policy[edit]

Despite the dramatic and volatile nature of his foreign policy, it was arguably his domestic policy, and specifically his economic policy, which cost Bush the chance to run for re-election in 1992. When accepting the Republican nomination for the presidency at the 1988 Republican National Convention, Bush declared, "Read my lips, no new taxes" before realizing, upon entering the White House, that sometimes governments need taxes, especially when fighting wars in the Middle East.

Down the years, a number of attempts have been made to play down the incident, including claiming that Bush actually said, "No new taxis" in reference to the increasing number of Asian cab drivers in New York. When George W. Bush came to power in 2001, many reporters attempted to pin him down on tax rises, invoking the phrase that had cost his father so dearly, but the new President had a combative strategy; he discovered that while a small war plays second fiddle to domestic economic problems, if you make the war big enough, suddenly taxes become a forgotten question.

Vomiting incident[edit]

On January 8, 1992 around 8:20 P.M. local time, Bush deliberately made himself sick after eating copiously at a banquet held by the then-Prime Minister of Japan, Donsickon Mitable. White House sources attempted to play down the incident, claiming that the president had been suffering from a 24-hour flu bug, but video footage leaked days later showed a bellicose Bush stating, "This is for WWII" before forcing his fingers down his throat and extending himself across the table, writhing violently so as to distribute his vomit around the room.

It caused a strain on the relationship between the two countries, and Nintendo briefly refused to sell SNES machines in the U.S.

Rumors of reptilian nature and pedophilia[edit]

After one interview with Larry King on CNN, Bush found himself accused by many conspiracy theorists of being reptilian. He denied such claims, but failed to explain the suspicious "4x" symbol above his left eye.

At the beginning of the 21st century, Bush was at the heart of a number allegations made by ex Coventry City goalkeeper and former Godhead David Icke. Icke suggested that Bush was a key member of the Brotherhood, descendants of reptilian aliens from the constellation Draco, who walk on two legs and appear human, and who live in tunnels and caverns inside the earth. As these reptilian creatures use human fear, guilt, and aggression as an energy source, Icke claims, it is natural that Bush encouraged warfare. The allegations, while bizarre, gained credence after photographs were published off Bush relaxing on rock under a sun lamp, eating crickets fed to him by what looked like his owner.

In 2010, after a brief period in which the rumors had died down, Icke described Bush on BBC Radio 2 as a "notorious pedophile." Bush vehemently denied the allegations, saying, "I have never had — and this is something for which, which you can quote me on if you like — never had sex or any other kind of er, contact, with anyone or anything which you would call, which would be... No sex with any underage children or lizards."

Later life and "death"[edit]

On November 20, 2018, a video was released on YouTube in which Bush bade farewell to the world. He claimed that, "Having presided over the United States of America for four years, and having produced my son George W. Bush, who ruled for a further eight, I feel that I have done enough for one lifetime." The media widely regarded the video as signifying that the former President was about to die, and some even ran obituaries. A family spokesman, however, revealed that Bush had simply asked to be cryogenically preserved, in the hope that in the future, he might be able to run for a second term.

Bush was occasionally reheated and made sparse public appearances across the following week but supporters claimed that he was a changed man, and not articulate as he once was. This became even more so when his official death was confirmed shortly after on November 30; Barbara Bush had already been discontinued earlier that year. An autopsy revealed that he had died due to exsanguination after poking his cheek "a little too hard" with an electric razor. Now the old Bushes are re-united somewhere... up or down. Bush's last words were "David Copafeel", a reference to his favorite illusionist and a reputation for being "handsy" with his female carers.

Words of Wisdom[edit]

During his political career, Bush earned a kind of international renown for his oratory skills.

  • In 1988, Bush advocated same-sex relationships, admitting to having sex with former President Reagan.
  • In September of the same year, Bush tossed the Middle East peace process a curveball by stating that he was anti-Semitic.
  • "It's no exaggeration to say the undecideds could go one way or another." — in 1988, preempting Donald Rumsfeld's visionary talk of "unknown unknowns" by 25 years.
  • After a day trip to meet some voters, Bush experimented with a new way of speaking: "And let me say in conclusion, thanks for the kids. I learned an awful lot about bathtub toys — about how to work the telephone. One guy knows — several of them know their own phone numbers—preparation to go to the dentist. A lot of things I'd forgotten. So it's been a good day." — in 1992.
  • Bush is widely credited with the philosophical maxim, "Please just don't look at the part of the glass, the part that is only less than half full." — in 1991.
  • Laying the foundation for his son, Bush would often summarize what he had failed to say in his previous sentence: "If a frog had wings, he wouldn't hit his tail on the ground. Too hypothetical." — in 1991.
  • And a similar piece of inspiration came when he said in 1992, "I will never apologize for the United States of America. I don't care what the facts are."