Coventry

The beautful Coventry countryside.

Coventry is one of the best cities to visit, especially to die a violent and untimely death. The police in Coventry are extremely lenient, only stopping people if they are openly carrying loaded pump-action shotguns, or if they have recently put a cat in bin. The Home Office has advised British citizens to take a number of injections before visiting Coventry, as some of the world's deadliest diseases originate from here. It is also recommended that you wear a bullet proof vest at all times while in Coventry.

History

Richard Kovacs once taught here, he liked dolphins. A lot. Too much in fact. He was locked up after pleading guilty to sex crimes on dolphins. Nothing has been heard of him since.

Coventry has a long tradition of not being very nice. The reason for this was because Churchill threatened to release the Chavs from their cages. It was thought that the real reason for Hitler dying was that after numerous attempts by the British to try and improve the city they failed. Hitler then offered to assist in the redevelopment of the city by sending the lufftawaffle to strike the city down but failed miserably. The Lufftawaffle took out Coventry's oldest standing palce of interest - the cathedral - and this angered the local citizens. Because of this Churchill had to keep the folks happy so decided to jump on the bandwagon and bomb the shit out of Coventry too. It was later discovered that Coventry was in fact (and still is) hell on earth, and nothing would ever change this concrete jungle we have all grown to hate. The suicide rate is every 9/10 people and this has reduced the city's mortality rate, therefore having to call in chavs from all over the UK to live here. Incentives such as free housing, free clothing and free drugs have been created to attract them. Coventry's oldest rivalry is with Birmingham as they are often seen as "South Birmingham" whereas in fact Coventry has an accent that sounds like the person's great grandparent was raped by a paedophile priest. In a survey conducted by Coventry University it was discovered 82% of Coventrarians thought that Birmingham was full of wankers, only 2% liked them, and the other 16% were undecided. The rivalry is thought to have been started in the early 1400s when ET the extra terrestrial decided to pay the region a visit. At first ET decided to stay in Birmingham but found that their accent was so annoying he phoned home. His mother replied "we will be there in 2 days tops son!" Desperate to leave that shithole, he decided to visit Coventry and found it a more bearable place to live.

Coventry has no history from before 1945, as everything was blown up. All that was left was a little bit of the cathedral, and that's broken too.

Coventry University

Founded in 1045 BC, Coventry University is the oldest university in the world. Famous for its links to the Automotive industry, Coventry has had a long and glorious history in the area of car design, with the original wheel being invented there in the year 783 BC by the Rt Honourable Sir Jonathan McJockey Fitzgerald Smithsonian Wheel. Coventry is home to litterally one fine food establishment, known as express diner and popular with students who after drinking their own body weight in alchohol, are usually immune to the multitude of poisonous bugs and bacteria which accompany most orders, free of charge.

Modern Day

Nowadays, Coventry is being rebuilt but progress is extremely slow due to council plans to extend the only remaining library, adding an egg-shaped structure, resembling a testicle, hanging down from the side of the building. The "city" has also seen an unknown amount of telephone poles enter it. Coventry "City" Council claim they have no knowledge of building the telephone poles, quoting 'We didn't build um'

Coventry has also seen a decrease in the modern chav, however activists claim they are being locked up 'Chavs have a right to free speech, let em out you *******!'. One chav commented on the issue 'yo fam what u sayin bruv i will smash u'.

Insomnia Gaming Festival

The Insomnia Gaming Festival is the UK's biggest gaming festival and has been held in Coventry every year since 1901. During this gaming festival, gamers from all over the UK and to a greater extent, the world, gather in Coventry every year to kill each other in the most painful way possible. Coventry was chosen as the site for the festival due to it's reputation of making visitors disappear off the face of the Earth.

Fun facts

The Coventry Primark was the birthplace of the modern chav.

• Hillfields has had over £1billion spent on it in the last three years. So far, this has led to a reduction of the number of prostitutes here by 2.
• Futhermore, Hillfields is secretly an outpost for Islamic State militants.
• It was the home of the Tardis in Doctor Who. Parts of the episode "The Shakespeare Problem" were filmed here, they have since been burned down.
• The only thing worth seeing is the Millenium Arch. If you don't get stabbed.
• The Staffordshire bull terrier is a false name for the Coventry bull terrier.
• It holds the world record for the amount of people standing at the bottom of the street: 14 17 people.
• Some people get sent there as punishment for crimes.
• Over eleven million people were "sent to Coventry" in the series span of Prisoner in Cell Block H, and only 1 in the entire run of Bad Girls.
• The "Peeping Tom" originated in Coventry when a "pervert" stared at Lady Godiva's breasts as she rode around naked.
• Residents spend most of their time manning the borders to stop invaders from Festershire.
• Another attraction to Coventry is the Millennium Clock, which has been taken and put a in storage warehouse for over a year now.
• Don't forget that you can also visit the 'Spotted In Coventry' page, which consists of many images taken in Coventry whilst out and about. Can be found on facebook as a page to follow. Happy finding!
• If you do find yourself visiting the sunny Coventry, make sure to visit one of the local Poundlands, where you can find a wide variety of good value everyday items.