Doctor Who
“I am sorry. I am so, so sorry.”
“Mix one part absinthe, one part vodka, and two parts banana juice; bananas are good. ”
Doctor Who is a British TV documentary, with an associated cult of brainwashed followers. It is produced by the BBC and funded by the London Tourist Board. It follows a now-famous presentational format, in which the presenter, referred to as "The Doctor," covers such diverse topics as history, physics, warfare, cookery, art and sex, with an assistant who's usually a young, attractive, and promiscuous female. However, the UK's Danny La Rue Act of 1922 forbids women from the acting profession, so the assistants are actually queer actors in drag.
What makes Doctor Who markedly different from other documentaries such as Horizon, The Day Today and Newsround Review is that the educational nature of the program is carefully disguised behind a plot regarding aliens, time travel, and the like, woven from the real-life adventures of Oscar Wilde.
The Doctor
Interestingly, the show only refers to its main character as "The Doctor," except in one instance, which resulted in the responsible parties being crushed by elephants. The reasons for this are unclear, but fans of the show are known to strangle those who fuck it up with excessively large scarves, so just accept the Doctor as the Doctor, okay? It is believed by a large group of fans that his unknown first name is, in fact, Knock-Knock, and that he has taken the title Doctor in order to hide this embarrassing fact. Other fans believe it is Yuno. Regardless, everyone agrees that his first name must be either incredibly lame, uncool, pathetic or embarrassing, or a combination of all four.
The Doctor presents the programme in an unconventional indirect narrative fashion, explaining what's happening through discussion with his assistant. When the first actor to play the Doctor finally left the show to do a spoken word album, the casting director took the brave decision of replacing him with a look-alike in the hope that the audience wouldn't notice. Unfortunately the casting director was blind. Viewers have come to accept the fact that Doctor Who changes height, hair colour, build, wardrobe, gender and general physical appearance from time to time as part of the programme's charm.
The following actors have played the Doctor:
The First Doctor: William Shatner
When the first series of Doctor Who was commissioned in the 1960s, the BBC decided to spend a huge sum of money on a high-profile celebrity to boost initial ratings. Alas, no one would touch this show with a barge pole, so they chose up-and-coming musician and writer William Shatner. Shatner portrayed the Doctor as an eccentric Englishman with a Midwest US accent and bizarre taste in hats, who travels with his beautiful young "niece," Uhura. (We'll just play along with that; we know who she really is.) Many have speculated that the character of Zap Brannigan from Futurama was based on The First Doctor. The First Doctor was axed eventually, his regeneration caused by screaming "DALEKS! so many times.
The pilot episode, "To Boldly Go", received 2,500 complaints from grammar fascists for the title alone.
The Second Doctor: Patrick Stewart
Following Shatner's unexpected departure to the world of spoken word and subsequent recruitment to NBC television series Star Trek, the casting director attempted to cast a similar-looking actor as his replacement. Mistaking Patrick Stewart's outsized mop top for a silly hat, the plot device of the Doctor's "visual transmogrification" was born. Stewart's Doctor was a sterner, angrier, dancier man, portrayed as a German with a French accent. Amongst Stewart's Doctor's enemies were the cybermen, the yeti, Mary Whitehouse and some "Greek" bird from London called "The Counsellor," who whined at people until their ears bled. After stopping a Sesame Street gangwar, the Second Doctor was captured by Time Lords from Gallifrey (an unknown city in Ireland) and put on trail for badly playing a recorder. He was exiled and forced to regenerate by being put in a giant blender.
The Third Doctor: John Inman
Former civil servant John Inman took over as The Doctor when Patrick Stewart was poached by the Royal Shakespeare Company to play MacPicard in the film production of the Scottish Play, First Contact. Inman was an unpopular choice; especially given the plot had him stranded on Earth with a dysfunctional TARDIS, condemning the series to a load of stagnant plotlines relating to alien invasion. Luckily his assistant's constant barrage of "pussy" jokes lightened the mood somewhat. He was forced to regenerate into his fourth form when bitten by a drunken Spider-Man.
The Fourth Doctor: Tom Jones
When Inman gave up television for a life of pantomime, the producers decided to draft in Welsh pop idol and chest hair resource Tom Jones, in an attempt to draw a larger female audience. The ruse backfired when Jones had written in his contract that he would rewrite and sing the theme tune. The lyrics to "What's New, Doctor Who?" were thought to have been lost in the annals of history. However, they have recently been re-discovered on eBay and are being re-recorded by William Shatner for his next spoken word album, a collaboration with Cannibal Corpse. Tom regenerated when he fell of the top of the BBC prosessing tower.
The Fifth Doctor: Dolly Parton
After Tom Jones was declared "far too Welsh" by avid sci-fi nerds the world over, the producers quickly brought in brash, obnoxious oil tycoon Dolly Parton to replace him, and in turn appease the fans. Unfortunately, she didn't go down too well with the fan base, and many adults can still remember hiding behind the sofa in an attempt to get away from her shrill singing voice, which she often used in order to defeat her enemies. Dolly had to regenerate after she broke a nail.
The Sixth Doctor: The Undertaker
After Dolly Parton fell into a booze-induced coma while filming, the BBC wrote her out as getting stuck on the top floor of an apartment building. Fans spent weeks speculating as to who the new Who would be, and after 5 minutes alone with him in his office, and two broken ribs later, the BBC director general called upon long time friend The Undertaker to fill in the role. The wrestler's tenure as Doctor Who was marred by a marked increase in violence, most disturbingly when he threw the previous Doctor's companion Brenda down a flight of stairs following his regeneration scene. After many episodes of abusive violence towards his companions, alien friends and enemies, he regenerated when he met a girl named Mel and commited suicide.
The Seventh Doctor: Sylvester the Cat
When The Undertaker eschewed his role as The Doctor in order to pursue his career as a TV chef, up and coming unknown Sylvester the Cat was drafted in to take up the role of the intrepid time-lord. Slight alterations had to be made to accommodate Sylvester, including a scratching post and a litter tray in the corner of the TARDIS, which caused outcry amongst some of the more passionate fans. Despite all this, Sylvester remained a firm fan favourite right up until his demise from being chucked into a woodchipper by the Master in episode 26.8.
The Eighth Doctor: Craig McLachlan
After a good few years hiatus, an American television producer named Dave Yadallee was given the green light by the BBC to dust off The Doctor's bizarre hat and waistcoat, and bring him back in a one-off special in the form of ex Bugs star, Craig McLachlan. McLachlan was faced with one of the weakest enemies The Doctor would ever encounter, the Andrex Puppies, and many viewers fondly remember him climbing on top of the TARDIS and screaming, "For the love of God, please save me!" while shitting his knickers. Television would never be the same again, and as a result, Doctor Who was axed. It is not known how he regenerated, but he was theorized to have ben killed in an incident involving a Time Warrenty.
The Ninth Doctor: Christopher Reeve
The Doctor finally returned to our screens in early 2005, in an attempt to tempt today’s youth into becoming doctors, due to the ever growing concerns over the NHS. In a controversial move, the BBC made the Doctor bald, Northern, cheeky, gay, fascist and Catholic in a bid to appeal to a wider target audience. Thanks to expert producer R.T.D. 2, everyone enjoyed the first episode. But disaster struck when Reeve died of wheelchair of the legs in March. The story continues...
The Tenth Doctor: David Duchovny
The 28th series of Doctor Who promises more of everything: Knife fights, divorce, rape, evil twins - it's got it all.
In a recent interview, Duchovny, 78, described the approach taken by the BBC in the filming of the new series as "pushing forward in a positive, emotive direction". Out go the leather jackets and the shiny shoes, in come tweed jackets and Chuck Taylors. This is a smart move by the BBC, as everybody knows that The Doctor cannot possibly be considered young, hip and groovy if he doesn't look like the lead singer of popular boy band Franz Ferdinand.
As well as being accompanied by the ever faithful Nora, Lansbury cameod in the new series after a chance encounter with The Doctor during a failed police heist at The Alamo. Opera played Mammoth "Martha" Jones, a replacemement for Nora.
Both Duchonvy and Mammoth both made a guest appearance in the third series of the spin-off, Torchwood.
The 10th Doctor regenerated when Matt Smith shot him.
The Eleventh Doctor: Matt Damon
It was confirmed in 2009 that the 11th Doctor Who is Matt Damon. Cast imminently after the resignation of executive producer R.T.D.2, Damon was a largely unpopular choice among the show's fanbase, due to him being overly gay. According to new EP Steven MacMoffat, he is currently the most camp actor to take the role, just ahead of Dolly Parton. Also highly notable is his hair. The big hair. The hair of the Time Lords. However, Damon has been proven in recent roles to be extremely chav like, a trait which will no doubt deter monsters such as the Dialects. The Doctor has been theorized to be joined by Autloc, played by Angela Lansbury, one of the Doctor's previous assistants during the Inman era.
After all those rumors, when Matt actually did play the Doctor everybody loved him so the fun police took him to jail and thus Series 6 has had to be cut in half.
The Twelfth Doctor: John Calipari
The Twelfth Doctor is currently played by once football coach John Calipari. Rumours had previously roamed around the Internet about a possible future role in the series of Michael Jackson as the Twelfth Doctor. Unfortunately, the death of the pop legend resulted in these rumours being disproven, but this hadn't stopped the constant fan rumours of Jacko's corpse being pinned to the TARDIS console, and peanut butter put in his mouth to simulate the speaking of random bafflegab. In any case, various other rumoured possibilities were:
- Pee-Wee Herman
- Xzibit
- The Pope
- A kidney's stone
- A Disco Bandit
- Optimus Prime
- The Stig
- Some kind of primitive lemur from Madagascar
- Dalek Fred
The Thirteenth Doctor: Marine Le Pen
Thirteenth doctor is the Female doctor and first in French doctor.She is hate of Islam,Judaism and she is hate Zinedine Zidane is a Muslim man born in Marseille with Sammy Naceri the actor of Taxi list of her companions:
- Olivier Giroud
- Eden Hazard
- Wanda Icardi (Mauro's Wife)
- Mauro Icardi
The TARDIS
The TARDIS allows the series to explore historical events without breaking the narrative - The Doctor simply enters the time machine and emerges at a different point in history. "TARDIS" is an acronym for "Thus Another Relocation Dilemma Is Solved", the words uttered by the series' producer when the plot device was first conceived.
The TARDIS takes the form of a blue Police Call Box, an old form of concealment used by police officers. For example, in surveillance operations, a Police Box was often deployed outside the building under surveillance to allow police officers to stay within close proximity to the suspects without arousing suspicion. Unfortunately these boxes became a thing of the past when officers began using them for other private matters, such as solicitation... the public came to associate the blue boxes with immoral acts and they were all taken away and burnt in 1941.
This did not concern the producers of Doctor Who, who adopted one of the few surviving boxes as "the TARDIS". Recently, however, the BBC lost a court battle with the musician Sting, who owns the trademark on the word "police", over the use of the Police Box, which also falls under his ownership. The 28th series of Doctor Who, currently in pre-production, is rumoured to use a Portaloo instead, rechristened "the TURDIS" (TURD in Space) and as a money-saving device has been converted to run on methane. Other possibilities are RETARDIS (RETARD In Space) or the TARDIS formilly known as the TARDIS (The Human Enteragence system that depends on Time And Relitive Demensions In Space Formatting Orderating Machine prossesing in In laLLa ward's bodY Knoackilassisy Non OPbutenatrictoryily Willing Not AS The Human Enteragence system Time And Relitive Demensions In Space).
Conspiracy Theories
Despite the long run of the series "The Doctor" has not yet had a sexual relationship with one of his assistants (in the US "interns" are socially expected to allow this even at group interview stage). The series injoke is that this is because of the advanced age of The Doctor, however a conspiracy theory is that The Doctor is simply a gay man (or possibly even a alien lesbian as a man) who is using the youth of the assistant to avoid any question of his sexuality arising.
Indeed yet an even more common variation of the theory among low brows who read the Daily Mail is that "The Doctor" is simply a paedophile who uses the TARDIS to seduce young impressionable "girls" to join him on his journey out of the reach of the authorities beyond time and space.
Another pointless conspiracy theory concludes that "The Doctor" is actually not a University graduate at all and that, in fact, he received his education from a diploma mill such as MIT or even Harvard. Theorist point out to the fact that even though he calls himself The Doctor he has yet to use any incomprehensible characters after his name, such as BFeck or DClit. Other promoters of this theory point to the absence of any certificates in his parlour.
Assistants
There have been a number of assistants through the various series. Assistants are typically used as foil for The Doctor's razor-sharp wit, or, during the time of the seventh doctor, a scratching post. Assistants are often involved in platonic relationships with The Doctor, apart from the occasional outbreak of nymphomania. Casting of assistants was, at one stage, done by mass national audition in the style of Pop Idol/American Idol (predating such shows by many decades). Recently, however, it was found to be easier to recruit failed musicians directly.
The current Assistant is Nora, a mathematician, played by Billie Piper.
Previous Assistants:
- Marilyn Monroe was a banker named Thora.
- The First Doctor found Thora asleep on the toilet in the Bank Of England when his TARDIS materialised there in the very first episode. After what was regarded as the first interracial love scene on television (until it was widely accepted that American and Shatnerite did not constitute interracial) she joined him on his quest for galactic domination.
- Pussy Galore was a circus freak named Eva.
- Patrick Stewart's Doctor recruited Eva from a newspaper advert when Thora was married off to the president of Tanzania in exchange for some dilithium (rumoured to be The Doctor's hallucinogenic of choice). Her ability to gargle liquid nitrogen made her famous overnight and the pin-up of choice for prepubescent boys throughout Essex.
- Angela Lansbury was a drug smuggler named Fanny.
- Taking time out from acting in US detective series Murder Death Kill, Lansbury was hired to play Fanny at the request of Stewart, who was rumoured to dislike acting alongside a better-looking performer. Fanny was initially portrayed as Amish but this resulted in riots on the streets of Brixton so the writers had her killed off in a freak toenail accident.
- Al Pacino, was a greengrocer named Frank.
- In an attempt to move away from the sexual tension which marred the first two Doctors' careers, the character of Frank was created to act alongside Fanny. Unfortunately his mobster accent got The Doctor into an awful lot of trouble, not least with his arch-rivals the Cybermen.
- Ron Jeremy was the Minister of Transport.
- As a sop to the gay community, who had become increasingly annoyed at the overtly heterosexual nature of the third Doctor's relationship with his assistants, as well as John Inman's own uncomfortability associating with women, the BBC hired porn star Ron Jeremy as assistant to the Doctor. However, Ron refused to do the scene with the sonic screwdriver and the cyberman laser pistol and was promptly sacked.
- Nicole Kidman was a Tax Collector named Hilda.
- The fourth Doctor rescued Hilda from the Second British Civil War, in which all the Civil Servants were rounded up and shot. The episode was actually aired a week before the actual Second British Civil War began in 1985, exactly as described on the show. The BBC still denies the obvious allegations.
- Adolf Hitler appeared as himself, in the form of Cyborg Hitler.
- A controversial addition to the series, Hitler remained in the series for a total of three episodes, before being left in Washington by the Doctor. He had grown tired of their continual debates on whether Jews were or were not scum. (The Doctor held the latter view. Coincidentally, this coincided with the Fourth Doctor's regeneration.)
- Sharon Stone was a kickboxer named Brenda.
- The fifth Doctor got through an awful lot of assistants due to her excessive use of brain-shattering singing in the event of an argument. The producers responded to viewer complaints by hiring an actress that nobody would mind seeing pushed over the edge.
- Stephen Fry was a passive-aggressive robot called Marvin.
- In an attempt to replace the seventh Doctor with another cute character, the writers stole one from the diary of famed Scottish monarch Douglas Adams, casting Stephen Fry in the role alongside the eighth doctor. The lawsuit is still ongoing.
- Billy Connolly played a very annoying Rose Tyler
- In 2005, when resurecting the series, the 9th Doctor was modeld after #6, so they created Rose to be just as, IF NOT MORE, annoying than Peri.
- Bill Cosby played the role of Captian Jack Black.
- After Nora the mathematician's lesbian tendencies were shown, audiences were in an uproar, so producer, Ruffle Tea Lady, decided to insert a military private as a completely straight soldier who joined the doctor.
- Oprah Winfrey was a very annoying Mammoth "Martha" Jones.
- After Billy's quiting, the team decided to continue the tridition of annoying companions, the team invited The Annoying Macia herself. Mammoth often wined when not getting what she want's and threatend to quit the series, and then would return when played more. She left the series when the Master's cat attacked her face, thus ruening her make-up.
- Autloc is rumored to appear as the Eleventh Doctor's first assistant, despite BBC claims to the contrary. His long-standing rivalry with Nyder is believed to be a focal point of the series.
The Cusion Films
In 1963 and 1966, movie screen movie producer George Lucas made big screen versions of two major stories, The Dead Planet Sketch and The Dialects invasion of Earth. They were re-named Dr. Who and Now For Something Completly Exterminated and The Day the Earth was Exterminated.
To mirror William shatners' silence, they dicided to cast an inadiment object as The Doctor. Thousand of Abiotic objects tried out, but finally the team cast a Crappy Cusion, until his firing and a Better Cusion's casting enstead.
Dr. Who and Now For Something Completly Exterminated
In this film, (based off The Dead Planet Sketch) shows Dr. Who and his companions traveling to the planet Scaro to warn its inhabitants that the planet is dead, but the inhabitants, the Daleks, deny this, claiming it is only resting. It's basically the same as the episode except at the end the Dalek reveals that he "never wanted to be a galactic concorer" and starts singing the lumberjack song.
The Day the Earth was Exterminated
The Tardis arrives on the planet Earth in the year 2157 and a half, only to discover that it has been overtaken by the Dialects. They plan to use frige magnets to meet the Dialects demise. Its basically the episode, but without a real plot.
Spin-offs
For some inexplicable reason, several attempts have been made to create a franchise of related series. Mercifully, most of these have failed utterly, but there have been a few notable exceptions.
Doctor Whose Line is it Anyway?
Doctor Whose Line is it Anyway? featured four contestants who were forced to improvise a convincing Doctor Who storyline, while being chased around by a Dalek.
The series was wildly popular among coma victims and household pets, but was suddenly cancelled in 1996, when the Dalek was accidentally released into the wrong studio and exterminated everyone on the set of Can't Cook, Won't Cook.
Immediately following its cancellation, the BBC wisely destroyed all existing copies of the series, even going so far as to hunt down and EX-TER-MI-NATE the entire cast and crew, just to be safe.
In 2002, a man claimed to have the every episode on video tape, and threatened to give them to the BBC unless he was paid £10,000. When the BBC was unable to raise the funds, public donations began to pour in, quickly exceeding the ransom demand by several thousand pounds. Before payment could be made, however, the identity of the man was discovered, and an angry mob dragged him from his home and poked him with pointy sticks, until he admitted that it had all been a hoax and that no such video tape actually existed.
Blackadder
The Spin-off follows the tales of Dr. Blackadder, who is the other surviving Timelord from the War of the Daleks, roaming around space and time with his companion, Sarah Jane (S.) Baldrick, in the TARVIS (Turnips And Related Vegetables In Space) cunningly disguising themselves in period costume. His other companions include King Richard Curtis and Queen Ben Elton and Captain Jack Flasheart (Woof!). He often encounter's enimes, such as the rival time lord Mr. Bean, who had had himself hidden in his Teddy Bear to hide from the Daleks, The Scroundrel Formerly Known as Prince Ludwig, Tony Parsons, and The Americans.
Doctor Who - The Force Unleashed
One day, BBC felt like cashing in on the resurrected Star Wars fad that begun with Star Wars: The Clone Wars and ended with Star Wars: The Force Unleashed. They made a video game of Doctor Who and converted the whole game into a Doctor Who format.
Doctor Who - The Force Unleashed has got mostly crap reviews from IGN, Gamespot, and YouTube. However, GameFakes gave it 10/10, saying: "This is an awesome adaption of the Doctor Who Universe, merging the goodness of Star Wars with Doctor Who and giving a whole new look on the Doctor Who saga", most people believe GameFakes were on crack when they made this statement.
Bisexual Alien Murderers In Cardiff
Torchwood (which is an anagram of "Ow! Hot Cord!") is intended as a darker, post-watershed version of Doctor Who, only without The Doctor, the TARDIS, or pretty much anything else from the series.
The show follows the adventures of Lieutenant Jack "Captain Jack" Black, a 51st century grifter from 1941 (or possibly a 1941 grifter from the 51st century) and a super-secret group of eccentric bisexual experts as they cruise around some shit hole, looking sexy and flashing lots of cool-looking alien gadgets.
After the success of Torchwood, the series Doctor What is currently planning to release its own edgy, anagram-based spin-off called Tworchtoad. It is currently in production, at an undisclosed location which is definitely not Cardiff.
The Sarah Jane Chronicles
Following Torchwood, another spin-off was made titled The Sarah Jane Chronicles.
The show follows former companion Sarah Jane Smith as she protects her son, Luke Smith, from Dialects from the future coming to kill him. Apparently, Luke is the future hope for humanity in the Great War. The Dialects are led by T-1000 from the second Terminator film. Also starring is the giant screen computer, Mr. Babbage, previously known for his appearances in Family Fortunes. The first episode, The Lion, the Witch and the weird boy scycolojicly created by the bane, got the lowest rating's in the history of history, somehow receaving a -768 out of 5 stars.
Plans were also underway for another spin-off of the new Doctor Who series, The Nora the Mathematician Variety Hour. However, the show's creator withdrew his proposal after being thrown out of a window while attempting to pitch the series to BBC executives.
The Masters
The BBC has recently announced a new mini series starring Derek Jacobi and John Simm called The Masters was announced, which will be airing later on BBC One later this week.
The Plot will follow the Masters attempting to defeat each other in golf. Past Masters Roger Delgado and Anthony Anely will do commentary. The winner will win a red cape.
Other competers include Eric Roberts, Geffory Bevers, Peter Pratt, Jonathan Pryce, and Gordon Tipple (though it is doughted he will last long.)
Friendly Neighbourhood Cyberman
The series followes the tale of Tom Delonge from another univurse, who is a Cyberman, but he feels emotions. He is often nicknamed "The Cyberman with a Soul" or "The Emo Cyberman". His early life was very similar to that of the Tom DeLonge of our universe, with the key difference being that he wasn't quite as much of a twat. His tales are extremly exsagerated, having his leg noises reduced and his walking sped up. Despite the change, he still pretty much sucked as a super hero.
The show ran for 13 episodes. The last of which was a crossover with Torchwood, in which Tom had sex with Martha Jones, causing her to somehow become rapidly pregnant and give birth to a half-human, half-cyberman hybrid called Connor. Connor was then instantly taken by the space-time rift between Gwen's teeth and returned within seconds, but from his point of view, 8 years had passed and now he wants to kill his father for no reason.
The episode ended with Connor being cryogenically frozen, while Tom and Jack shared an upside down kiss. The kiss led to a wild night of rampant sex between the two, an encounter which cost Tom his life.
See also
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