Conor Oberst

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Conor Mullen Oberst (born February 15, 1968) is an American singer-songwriter and the world's only known Wagwarn. He is best known for his 1983 hit "I'm gonna fuck your girlfriend emotionally tonight." His style is often described as 'intensely feminine,' 'smooth as a sheet of glass,' and 'like Freddie Mercury getting rapid-fire kicks to the groin.'

Life & Times[edit]

Conor Oberst was discovered by his parents in 1968, 128 years after the release of his first album. Oberst performs under the moniker Bright Eyesenhower for the Council Bluffs, IA record label Scrotum Creep. Before the age of 14, Oberst had released 97 albums, including 46 simultaneously released albums in 1977 (one for each senator, divided by two; there was a mistake in his math). These 46 albums were produced all in different styles, including hardcore street rap, rap-rock, prog-rock, noise rock, emorock, emocore, emo-gone-wild, emo-gone-Wilde, indie rock, large rock, post-indie-rock, post-op-rock, post-office-rock, office-indie-rock, 50's doowop-metal, street-post, ghost-rap, rap-rock, noise-indie, post-noise-indie, emo-X, post-rock, post-post-rock, post-pre-rock, really really hard folk, dancehall, Chris Rock, meta-rock, crap rock, The Rock, rock-paper-scissors and one consisting of a 67 minute outpouring of Irish commercial theme music. In the majority of these earlier works, Oberst's voice is audible only to dogs. He was honored with a Grammy Award for his 1982 album My Knee Hurts When I fuck your girlfriend in the shower During the early days, he was known as an Indie Music artist, because his voice sounded like a glass fucking your brain.

Oberst finally escaped the creative stranglehold of his contract with Scrotum Creep in 1989, when he signed with Sony Music. With the help of Clear Channel Communications his fame was propelled to much height in the music industry and he became well-known in the corporate-rock scene, opening for such bands as Limp Bizkit and Kid Rock. He was also one of the first recording artists to use a substance called marijuana, about which he said in a Popular Mechanics interview, "It helps me become a person in a place." He said the rare substance, found natively in Canada, had inspired him to create the numerous drone-filled multi-disc epics that earned him the national spotlight in the mid-1990's as the artist that Tom Cruise would most likely worship if he were to start his own made-up religion (in the tradition of Cruise's messiah, Elrond Hubbard).

Oberst is the voice of our generation's conscience. He speaks for everyone, even you. If a Bright Eyesenhowitzer record is played simultaneously with a Dylan record, the sound waves cancel into a flat hum, over which the voice of Björk may be heard.

For more on the life and times of Conor Oberst, it is recommended you seek out A Beaver Built a Dam and I Cried: The Conor Oberst Story. When he was a child he used to carry a safety pin in his pocket everyday so that if he needed attention he would cut himself and wait for someone to come and ask him if he was okay. He never was, as is documented in the songs, 'Method: Acting Like There's Actually Something Wrong With Me', 'No Lies, Just Massive Overreactions to the Smallest Grievance' and 'When The Curious Girl Realises That I Don't Actually Have Leukemia'.

Conor Oberst's hit "Lover I Don't Have To Love" was considered the green light for your girlfriend to stop fucking you.

After taking a year off to record "I'm Wide Awake, It's (Still) (The) Fat Line of NRG I Just Did, Vol. 2" Oberst was hospitalized for exhaustion and prescribed naps. The album has yet to be released.

Arm-Wrestler du Jour[edit]

To match wits with strength was Oberst's dream, fulfilled in his early 40's when he competed and won the arm-wrestling championship in Dayton, Ohio in 1998. Following a decade of training, Oberst entered the scene already running, winning all seventeen of the competitions on the road to Dayton, scoring himself the championship and a cover spread on Wrastlin' Monthly. Within months of his jet-fueled rise to arm-wrestling stardom, he was abruptly returned to the anonymity of solid earth when he sprained his wrist performing a difficult cheat code on Mortal Kombat 3.


Reviews on Oberst's work vary in tone from publication to publication. While Magnet Magazine said of his recent Digital Hash in a Digital Bong, "It's awesome, it's perfect, ten out of ten, no twenty out of ten! Please, do a feature interview for us, anything! Just validate us! Validate us!", Pitchfork Media was less impressed-- "Ewww.. that like kind of sounds like the Gang Of Four, which would be like existentially salubrious, but then he's like telling us how he feels inside. That's so totally not hip. 1.2341 out of ten! Wait, make that 1.2339, ha! Loser." Rolling Stone magazine called Oberst "a tasty slice of pie."

When Oberst reads a negative review, he weeps and attempts to re-write his canon in attempt to please the reviewer.

“Whosoever dares mock Him and calls Conor Oberst a pretentious fool or a mental case thence they shall burn in hell; for He is God to the unhappy soul.”

~ Laura Bush on Conor Oberst

“I'm spinning in my grave.”

~ Bob Dylan on Conor Oberst