The Rolling Stones
“If You Start me up..OW, MY HIP!”
“Huh hah hi.roll me a 'nother'”
“That's it. I'm done. Pack away my drum kit”
The Rolling Stones (also known as Mick Jadestone and The Rolling Boulders) are an English rock band with a sideline in whiteboy blues and R&B. Their current line up is Mick Jagger (vocals and gymnastics), Keith 'Keef' Richards (guitar and drugs) and Ronnie Wood (guitar and paintings). Former members include Mick Taylor (guitar and hair) and Bill Wyman (bass and 'girls'). Dead ex-band members were Brian Jones (guitar and groupies) and Charlie Watts (drums and cocoa). [1]
The Stones' legend goes something like this: on the 6th day, God created Man. But before that, on the 5th day, God created five Gods of Music. Eons later, they are STILL performing. They were known in the '60s for their smoky pub rock sound, in the '70s for their funky soul-type sound, and from the '80s to now for...dinosaur rock. [2]
History[edit]
1962–69: Mr. Jones Counting Stones[edit]
The Stones were formed in London and named by Brian Jones; Jones's identical twin, Davey, formed The Monkees around the same time. Brian, famed for his ability to play an instrument whilst taking drugs. This attracted him to Keith Richards and his best mate Mick Jagger, a lanky singer from deepest and darkest Dartford in Kent. This trio recruited drummer Charlie Watts as he was the only band member who had a regular job and Bill Wyman, a male fashion model. [3]
The Rolling Stones were originally an out of tune white boy blues band. They pllayed in front of students and gained a reputation more for their on stage antics than the music played. Jagger's demented performance as a singer gained the most attention, an easier thing to do as the rest of the band looked like they had just been disinterred from a local graveyard.
In 1965 The Rolling Stones released their own self-penned songs like Last Time Keef Kept his Pants on and Satisfaction. This song was actually written by a known pathological liar named Tommy Flanagan, who originally titled the song "I Can't Get No Service In This Place". He and Mick Jagger were bar buddies.
Later in 1965, Bob Dylan released the hit single "Like the Rolling Stones", satirizing their rise to fame. It chronicles their history through their early formative years as eukaryotic cells and follows them up through their meteoric rise to fame during the Great Flood, the Black Plague and both World Wars.
During a tour in 1968, Keith Richards drank the blood of a possessed bat and that this is the true source of his unholy power. Since then, he has always slept upside down. The blood-incident is rumored to be the source of inspiration for their 1969 album Let It Drip.
In 1969, Jones was interrogated by the police for possession of a weed-flavoured Mars bar. To cover this up, he changed his name to Mick Taylor and a fake story about him drowning in his swimming pool was made.
1969–75: The Other Mick[edit]
The band got the idea for the song "Brown Sugar" when Mick Taylor, being the prankster he is, swapped Keith Richards' cocaine for brown sugar.
In 1972, the band took a trip to Disneyworld Paris. There, they rented a small shack and recorded the concept album Exile on Electrical Street. Telling the stories of beloved character such as Snow White, Dumbo, and Bambi, it became renowned as their greatest effort and they were crowned King of the Swingers by Walt Disney himself.
Later, the band relied mostly on Mick Taylor to compose their songs, as Jagger was too busy pursuing an acting career. By 1974, the stress became too much on him, and he left the band.
1975–present: Knock on Wood[edit]
In 1975, in an attempt to keep up with their younger contemporaries, The Stones recruited Ronnie Wood to the band.[4] They embraced the art of disco dancing. Bill Wyman and Charlie Watts went along with it for a while, but by the '90s had become appalled with the schlock their band was putting out, and left.
After declaring Bill and Charlie contractually dead to avoid having to pay them, Keith and Mick went into tax exile again. The band regularly cash in each year by touring and performing the same old hits over and over again.
In 1998, Richards and Jagger formed the New York Dolls boy band, in attempt to compete with the likes of NSYNC and the Backstreet Boys. They released a total of two albums, which were spread out by ten years.
In 2021, Charlie Watts actually died, but the band did not retire. In 2024 they hacked out the album Hackney Wicks, rhyming slang about their now shrivelled members (except Mick's of course). The Rolling Stones held a tour sponsored by AARP. However, it is rumored that the Rolling Stones will eventually retire in 2034, then come out of retirement three hours later, to make another album. It seems only death will stop them now!
Discography (Selected)[edit]
- Get off My Clown
- Jumping Jerk Flash Gordon
- Sympathy for the Devil and Mrs. Jones
- Last Time (That Keef Paid for a Round)
- Satisfaction (I can't Get It Up)
- Under My Bum
- Paint It Matt Gloss Number 5
- Brown Sugar in the Ring
- Undewear Uncovered in the Night
References[edit]
- ↑ Also not forgetting the Scottish piano player Ian Stewart. Removed from the official line-up as the honky tonk piano player. Died from the booze
- ↑ A description dinosaurs can get easily be offended by. You've been warned!
- ↑ Originally known as Bill Perks. He was given the surname 'Wyman' because he whinged about the songs the Rolling Stones were covering by saying 'why man are we singing this shit?'.
- ↑ Rod Stewart wanted tol join as well but Mick felt inadequate in the hair department for this to work