Rod Stewart
Sir Rodney Marygold Stewart CBE (born 10 January 1945) is a British and/or Scottish singer, songwriter, football star, international secret agent, and folk hero. He has a distinctive "raspy" singing voice, almost as distinctive as a cat clawing a chalkboard, and has sold 120 million records worldwide, many even in America. He was knighted in 2016 for service to Queen, appeasement of the Scots, and hours of raunchy music.
Childhood[edit]
Stewart was born to a London hairdresser Winston Leroy Stewart, the love child of famous singer-songwriter-jailbird Martha Stewart, despite rumours that Rod is in fact God in human form. In his childhood, Stewart showed an early interest in songwriting, penning the classic hit "Do You Think I'm Sexy?" shortly before his 6th birthday.
Musical career[edit]
Recognising young Stewart's ability, local pirate/family friend/one-legged guitarist-pirate Long John Baldry offered him a record deal. He got Stewart to tighten his trousers and sound as if someone had punched him in the guts. In honour of his Scottish background, Stewart performed in a kilt until he was barred from wearing it, after the infamous Blackpool Ballroom gig, when a strong sea breeze exposed his penis to a coach-load of pensioners from Manchester.
Stewart next worked with Jeff Beck, but the two fell into a bar room brawl and split up. In 1969, Rod joined the Small Faces, a midget-sized mod band looking for a frontman. Since Stewart was over two metres tall, the band changed its name to the Large Faces — and put out feelers for a taller drummer who could double as a bouncer.
Stewart's career began to stagnate in 1977, after a tragic accident in which the tour bus collided head-on with a heavy goods vehicle carrying 20 tonnes of industrial-strength hairspray. Despite a year of rehabilitation, it became obvious that part of Rod had died in the tragedy; all that was left was an empty shell of the former Rock God. Cynical record executives refitted Rod's charred remains with an artificial respiratory device, cape, and pair of leopard-print leather chaps.
Football career[edit]
Despite winning the World Cup with Manchester United in 1986, Stewart's best years were spent captaining Mullets United, a team comprising legends such as Pat Sharp, Sean Bean, Kevin Keegan, Kurt Russell and former FIFA World Player of the Year Michael Bolton.
Stewart is the top all-time goal scorer for the Scottish National Football Team, with a staggering 4 goals. He scored an additional 2 goals in which he did not stagger. He also holds the record for most Scotland Caps, despite being born in Jamaica. Stewart's silky skills earned him the nickname Hot Legs from pundit and former motivational speaker Mark Lawrenson.
A glittering football career ended in agony for Stewart in 1992, playing for the Itchycoo Park Rangers, when a random drug test found that 15 gallons of testosterone were in his system, along with quarts of hair conditioner. Hanging up his boots rather than face a possible 100-year exile from Planet Earth by a FIFA disciplinary committee, he returned to his old calling of singing to old ladies for money.
Personal life[edit]
Three wives, five girlfriends and eight kids. Officially.
Selected discography[edit]
- Maggie May Thatcher
- Tonight's the Night (I Can't Remember)
- Stalling
- Blonde Legs
- Ole Ola, Scotland Win the World Cup 78