Football (association football)

In association football, the football (or soccer ball, according to whether the game is referred to as "football" or "soccer") is most commonly used to be kicked around a green area (also described as grassy) and kicked even harder into some woven string. The soccer ball's dirty little secret, however, is that it secretly wants to be thrown around and held during a game called football. So it started a rumor that soccer was really called football. And since every other country in the world does not have what we Americans call football, they warmly accepted this rumor to be truth. That is how Americans came to look like bigger jerks, in addition to the whole metric system thing.

...erm, the soccer ball was invented in A.D. 7 by a blind poet named Hoebag. And that is the "intro" to the soccer ball...

The Enemy

The soccer ball has one enemy, that is the comon grass blade. It's derogetory or "scientific" name is annoyingus littleus brothorus. Easily translated into pain in the ass. I mean, the blade of grass is sticky and makes clete to ball traction quite difficult, being all dewy and what not. Then there's the whole thing of when it shrivel's up and will mever come off, and if it does, there's and outline of it...anyhoo, the common grass blade is also the one thing in the world, besides me, that knows the soccer ball's one true weakness. And i will share it with you...later. right now, listen to my joke:

     .srekram cirbaf si ssenkaew ylno s'llab reccos eht

didn't make much sense did it? use this code: read it backwards, right to left.

...SHHHHHHHHhhhhhhh h.

The Soccer Ball's Job

Actually, what the soccer ball does does not really qualify as a job. i mean, think about it, it doesn't get paid, it gets kicked around all day, it lives in a bag, and it never gets a bath...ever. So, technically, the soccer ball is a slave. OH, the soccer ball's "job" is to be kicked around a muddy field for a couple of hours. yet another popular use for soccer balls out of the millions that have already been mentioned, is urine and earwax mixing. this is necessary to feed the pixies mentioned further in the document. this requires a large purple pot made of reconstituted unicorn horn and some form of liquid stone, plus a wooden stick to mix the urine and earwax. many people attempt the mixing without the wooden stick and this inevitably ends in failure. also the soccer balls are not paid and are forced into this job which makes them slaves. double fork.

How to play "Soccer" With a Soccer Ball

The first step to learning the challenging game of "Soccer" is to have at least two feet. If this was already part of you, condiser yourself lucky. The next step is to have eye-leg-knee-foot Coordination. Now this is a talent given at birth by magical pixies that enter the G Passage and grant you the power to use eye-leg-knee-foot Coordination. The 4th... no wait... 3rd step is to not be mentally retarded or physically deformed, mainly because it could lead to many long-term mental issues involving wooden tires and flying mice. This can cause stress of the Qwerty and may lead to cancerous pimples on the backside of your favorite movie. OK, Now, if you have passed these 4... 3 tests, you may now read on to step 4 - 10.

STEP 4: Place the soccer ball infront of you about 4 meters away.

STEP 5: Scream like a burning tomato.

STEP 6: Make sure that your head is not too big for your body.

STEP 7: Look at the Soccer ball, where you want to kick it and think of a calm, blue Ocean.

STEP 8: Slowly begin to run at the ball remembering that no one loves you and would glady push you off a cliff and laugh about it.

STEP 9: Take aim at the ball and kick it to where you wish it to go.

STEP 10: If the ball didn't go to where you were aiming, cry like a little 6 year old girl child whos first ever pony has just been run over and killed by a run away golf buggie later to be known as your mother.